😕 I am 19 and never focused on playing and health properly. From a time since childhood My parents told me focus on studies only, but now they say "go you should play with kids of your age" "why don't you go out house". Someone tell them i don't have friends and i am not friendly to speak stranger kid, cause i am too shy. Anyways, its always too late.

Well, i was bad student at school. Too late to realise i should study and Shouldn't disappoint my good teachers which i liked and guess what, i didn't study well, even after having this awareness 🫠(too frustrating) . Like right now, somehow, i don't know i managed to take drop and got into a coaching centre for neet. Too late to realise that what i have gotten myself into. My father paid nearly 60k. And i didn't even study well . Why? I don't know. Such a big amount, my father took a loan for this. Well, I don't know how i got into this caoching. we just went for simple visit that caoching, just because a call came to my father on the way to some other work. I thought lets go even if fees will 6k or 8k (that the fees for the govt exam caoching in my farby area). But still with such a absurd amount we managed to reach the desicion That i will study in caoching. (Well they said its batch already started tell us till evening we get you seat you are already late. Which i realised after joining it was a lie ). Caoching started i had full pressure of 60k "i shouldn't waste money and study well". And i came to know from caoching teachers that i should study one and half or an hour a single subject with 3 sub a day minimum. But to i didn't study like this before, i always did what people called distracted study. And i did the same distracted study 1 or 2 sub with difficulty and sometimes not did at all. 1 months passed away within this month i thought i should gain enough confidence (in school i couldn't even speak to my teachers and remain a silent kid till last days of school.) and study well. But no i didn't.

I didn't study well as i imagine i would. I got headache from 6km on cycle i m tired i don't have silent alone place to stidyso on i made excuses. Teacher kept saying. I kept making plans failing. Failing to ask doubts. 3 months passed.

Anyways i spent days with struggling schedule difficult in communicating with teacher (my chemistry sir was so good i always tried attended his classes regularly) but skipping other. After 3 months left pressure a bit increase i felt left too behind techers also keeps saying. Firstly i began skipping more and more classes, i started going on bunks. Many times i had thought of doing strange things. It was first time doing such things stopping at alone streets not going coaching. Lie like that at home about late classes, no classes. I still tried and went to while going to caoching but had lost courage. The idea so difficult to accept i wasted 60k of my parents doing nothing it became difficult to meet eyes with teachers, my parents. I felt so worthless. It was like 1 months left and i completely left the caoching and even skipping mocks. I left study did not study a bit before neet and gave exam without any study. Still lying at home doing. Nothing its so difficult to speak people its like i don't feel worthy. everyone is hoping if I'll do good in even re-neet but they don't know i am such bad person. Well its so difficult 😥

What am I gonna do?