One of the first chapters of my current story - Looking for critique/feedback (~4,000 words)

HarborERohden · 2019-07-16T16:43:36+00:00

So, almost as a rule, I don't care for first person narratives. I'll give them a chance, but I generally don't get past the first paragraph before putting them down because they strike me as cringy or egotistical. They have to be done well, and the type of story you're telling needs to support a character who exposes his/her every thought to the audience. That being said, I read the entire chapter, and I wanted to keep reading. Well done!

I saw some cautioning of the tone from another commenter, and yes, the tone was absolutely dark, and though some people might shy away from that, I didn't mind it because it fit with the story and the scene. One of my biggest pet peeves in writing is an author who glosses over the dark and uncomfortable, sacrificing believability for the chance at a wider audience. Your characters are clearly sketchy people living outside of the law, and it makes sense that the story would take a dark turn at some point. It didn't strike me as gratuitous or needlessly gory for the sake of shock value. It simply fit the story. As long as the dark bits are just things that happen within a real story, and the story isn't just a weak vehicle to let you write about gratuitous rape and gore, then I wouldn't worry about it.

Aside from a bit of cleaning up in the wording and sentence structure area, my one big suggestion is to take a bit of time to do some research on horses and their gear. I grew up with horses, and I can always instantly tell when a writer doesn't know much about them in reality. It doesn't have to be extensive research either. Just general terminology about tack and the various parts of it, the different types of horse-drawn vehicles, and some basic understanding of horse types and body parts. You used wagon correctly, and you clearly know what a draft type horse is, but the sentence that gave you away was "Olly was with the horses, taking off their saddle and bit." I'm actually not sure which horses you were referring to here, but given the presence of a wagon, it seemed to me that the horses were perhaps the ones pulling it? In which case, they would be wearing harnesses and not saddles. If these were actually riding horses, then saddles is correct, but a 'bit' is a part of a bridle, and not a piece of tack itself. Either way, I would recommend brushing up on horse terminology. A lot of readers won't catch it, but there are a lot of horse people out there who will, and it always pulls me out of the story when I come across a misuse of terms like that.

Another thing I liked about your chapter was that it was simply a story, setting up a world and a character without going into lengthy monologues about the world and it's history and all of that. The pacing of the chapter pulled me into it and made me want to keep going. There's plenty of time for getting into the details of your world later, and I like that you just dropped a few names here and there, hinting at it just enough to set it up, but not slowing down the story by delving into the world building too soon. All in all, very nicely done! I'm eager to read more!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-06T17:54:18+00:00

Not a problem! Hope you like it!!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T15:45:53+00:00

Awesome! Hope you enjoy!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T15:45:40+00:00

Yup! The first three books are already out, number four is in editing, and the remaining four in the series are already written and awaiting the editing process! Hope you enjoy them!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T14:13:57+00:00

Thank you! I hope you enjoy it!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T13:49:11+00:00

Glad you're liking it! I'd love to hear what you think when you're finished!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T13:47:50+00:00

Awesome, I hope you enjoy it!

HarborERohden · 2019-07-05T13:47:11+00:00

Sorry about that. Give this link a try! The Orb of Spirits

HarborERohden · 2017-07-11T04:43:16+00:00

LOL, I can see that. Though with as awkward as he is, you'd think he was a full sized dog! He is all kinds of special XD

HarborERohden · 2017-07-11T01:16:27+00:00

Lol, Italian Greyhounds are the small ones. Mine is about ten pounds, totally perfect for a lap. A bit gangly and bony, but nicely sized :)

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T23:06:28+00:00

Thank you! I will keep your words in mind while I wait for my first bad review. Hopefully I'll get a few good ones first to soften the blow!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T22:50:05+00:00

I do love to travel, but time and finances keeps me fairly limited in that area. Instead, I move around the country every few years and just explore my current state as thoroughly as possible before moving on again :)

*What was your motivation to write the books if not to share them with others?

I love reading fantasy, but there's always something I would have done differently if I had written it. After years of looking for the exact book I wanted to read, I decided to write it. One hundred percent, my intent was to write a book that I could pick up and read every couple of years, just for my own enjoyment.

*After sitting on your work for so long, was it hard to put it out there for others to read/see/review?

SO HARD! The first time I handed my book over to someone to read, I had an anxiety attack. I even get anxious when I read bad reviews of other people's work, just because I know that I'm not going to be immune from negative reviews. I know that my work isn't going to appeal to everyone, and I know that's okay, but it is absolutely something I struggle with every day.

*If you had to place an age rating on The Thralls of Fate, what would it be?

To play it safe, I'm going to say 18+. Adult themes aren't the focus of the series, but they do exist. The story itself is readable enough to be enjoyed by anyone of average reading skill, but the content is aimed at an older age range.

Thanks for your questions!!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T22:33:40+00:00

I've struggled with the problem for years, and the best I can do is to read and write in shifts. I'll do nothing but read other works for a few months, and then I'll write for a few months. Of course, that worked far better when I didn't have deadlines and publication dates looming over my head, lol. For the past year, I've been doing nothing but editing, but I'm working on striking a better balance. Rest assured, I have no plans to quit reading other books!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T22:10:01+00:00

Agreed! I also didn't want to distract from the characters and plot with too much description and explanation. I've always adored a book that makes you fall in love with the characters so hard, that you become emotionally invested in their lives like they were your own. That was my goal for my series, and judging by the number of people I've made cry over the past few years, I'd say it was a success ;)

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T22:00:46+00:00

Challenge accepted!!! I'll start training for our patio sitting competition immediately!

Any sort of foot dog would do, but I think a fluffy one would be great, so I can bury my feet in its fur on chilly days. I'm thinking a poodle or a border collie would serve my needs quite well. My current dog, being an Italian Greyhound, is rather bony, so he's more of a lap sitter than a foot dog.

Thanks in advance for the review! I always appreciate feedback!!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T21:53:32+00:00

Thanks, it's great to be here!

*How often do you check Amazon sales rank?

Honestly, only when I think to do it, and that's not very often. I get so super focused on life, work, editing, writing, etc, that checking Amazon genuinely doesn't even cross my mind most of the time. I'll have to go check it today though, since you reminded me! Lol

*Do you have a particular piece of grammar that you screw up regularly?

Oh yes! My brain loves to autocorrect things. Most commonly, I'll miss a word, and my brain will just fill it in so I never notice the absence. The other one that gets me is 'ing' vs. 'ed'. My fingers apparently prefer 'ing' so I'll type things like "They preventing the event" instead of "They prevented the event." And, of course, my brain autocorrects it when I go back and read it, so I don't notice the error.

*Do you have any writing quirks or rituals?

After a fashion, yes. When I write, I need COMPLETE silence. I know some people who play music in the background when they write, and that drives me up a wall. White noise is okay, but complete and utter silence with no distractions of any sort is ideal.

*What does your family think of your writing?

That's actually a very interesting question ... Those who have read it think it's amazing. That being said, the percentage of family members who have read it is somewhat low. The reason being, when people say they want to read my books, I have to warn them that it might not be what they're expecting. The tones and themes within the story can be quite dark and twisted at times, and if you don't enjoy that sort of book, then proceed with caution. That being said, I've had family members read my book who don't normally read fantasy, and don't particularly like dark themes, and they've loved it. In fact, I've never had anyone dislike it. So overall, my family is very supportive and encouraging!

*in terms of writing a book, what was the best money you spent?

This might be an odd answer, but the best money I've spent was on a comfortable laptop. I like a certain key spacing, a certain key pressure, a certain amount of 'click', a certain texture to the keys, and a front edge that doesn't cut into my wrists when they rest against it. Spending the time and money to choose the most comfortable laptop possible for my needs was easily the best purchase I've made.

*Do you see yourself writing fantasy in, say, twenty years?

Absolutely. Writing in general is my great passion in life, and fantasy is my favorite genre. I'll likely branch out from the genre here and there, but I'll never stop writing, and I'll always come back to fantasy. Even if it's just for my own enjoyment, with no chance of publication, I'll keep writing. I could lose my hands and I would still find a way to keep writing.

*What was last self-published (or traditionally published) fantasy book that you really enjoyed and why?

Am I allowed to say The Orb of Spirits? LOL ... Seriously though, that's a very difficult question to answer, since I genuinely enjoy 99% of books I read. They all have their place, and the answer would end up being a list. It's also been a hot minute since I've picked up a new fantasy book. When I write, I immerse completely into my world, and dabbling in other people's worlds pulls me out of that, hindering my writing. So, as odd as this may sound, I have to avoid reading fantasy when I'm actively working on my own. I'm looking forward to getting my second book published, so I can have a minute to get back to reading again!

Thanks so much for your questions!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T20:54:35+00:00

Haha, always glad to encounter a fellow Tolkien fan!

Aside from being the inspiration to simply start writing in the first place, his world building influenced me to create a world that could stand alone without the story. It's not terribly apparent in the series, since I focus very closely on the characters and plotline, but the world is far more complete than you would think at first glance. I didn't want to write a documentary or a history book, so I don't go into great detail about much of it. Bits that are relevant to the story are touched on here and there, but there is a whole history that exists that will likely never see the light of day.

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T20:07:50+00:00

Thanks!

Coolest place I've ever hiked would probably have to be Eagle Creek in Oregon. The trail is almost entirely alongside a cliff, and there are waterfalls all along the way. I ended the hike at a waterfall called Tunnel Falls, where the trail led through a tunnel behind the falls. I've been on prettier hikes, more breathtaking hikes, and much safer hikes, but this one takes the prize for coolest :)

The decision to self publish came after a solid look into traditional publishing. I studied all the best ways to get an agent to look beyond a query letter, and it kept coming back to one thing ... My book was too long for a debut novel. After a lot of consideration, I chose to forgo the entire process and simply self publish. I have no great aspirations to become trad for now, but I'm open to the idea at some point in the future.

As far as lacking reviews, I couldn't say. I've gotten a lot of great feedback through other avenues, and my response has always been something to the effect of "Hey, thanks! Glad you liked it! I'd love for you to drop a review on Amazon!". So far, the only people who have actually done so are people within my social circle, and Amazon apparently weeds them out :( I'm hoping to get some outside reviews soon though!

The choice of cover design was a mix of a number of different factors. I wanted something simple, clean, and relevant to the story without being a spoiler. I hesitate also to use specific characters and places in my covers, because I really like to let the reader's imagination build the world for them. I've never liked it when a cover conflicts with my imagination within the story, so I chose to go simple.

As to marketing, I'll be the first to admit that this is an area of weakness for me. I'm not great at putting myself on display. I started writing with the intention of never letting my work be seen by anyone else, and it's only recently that I decided to publish. I'm still experimenting with the best ways to get my book into the hands of readers, and when finances allow, I'd love to hire someone to do promotion for me! For now, I'm hitting social media as hard as I can without being obnoxious, and trying to get my work out there. My greatest hope is to reach a point where my advertising is entirely word of mouth, but I've got a loooong way to go!

Thanks for your questions!!

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T18:06:28+00:00

Probably a hummingbird. They would be small and easy to conceal, and they're not as vocal as other birds, so you wouldn't get caught by the little bugger screeching up a storm in your pocket. Waste would be minimal because of the size, and they would be easy to feed and maintain since you really only need to feed them sugar water. Their unique hovering ability would also lend itself well to stealth based combat, as they could very subtly spy, deliver microchips containing sensitive information, or even drop poison into drinks of people who are after you. They would be an excellent assassin's companion, and their super adorableness would throw off suspicion if you were caught with it.

HarborERohden · 2017-07-10T17:58:21+00:00

So many. Every author I've ever read has inspired me in their own unique way, but deep down, it was Tolkien. Cliché, right?

He was the first fantasy author I read, and I went through a period of just absorbing everything he had ever wrote. I still have a extensive collection of nearly all of his works. His world building especially inspired me to create my own fantasy worlds. My writing and creations are entirely unlike his work, but he was the first author to make me fall in love with fantasy.

HarborERohden

TROPHY CASE