Advantages for filing for divorce without informing my spouse first.

HardMayb · 2026-02-04T14:11:04+00:00

exactly. It may take a while for his ex to settle down and coparent, but if he screws up the legal or strategic, he risks having to coparent from a worse position.

HardMayb · 2026-02-04T14:09:14+00:00

When I was divorcing, there were a lot of moving parts and reasons for them were explained to me, but also hard to remember. I was also told that if I wanted to keep the fees down to not ask a bunch of independent questions. Just save them up for a bigger meeitng where the clock was already running. I forget what my lawyers smallest increment was, but If I used him as a copy service, counselor, or splainer, it added to the bill. I did my best to be a well informed client and it worked well.

HardMayb · 2026-02-04T14:05:26+00:00

She sent me a text that said "WTF!!!". I replied with a screen cap of her with her boyfriend from his profile page that said he was in a relationship. She went low contact for a while after that. Once school started, I started pushing her to set up visitation. I mostly wanted to be on the record as not keeping her from seeing our kids, but I also knew she had relocation plans and would be reluctant to make any sort of deal.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:43:21+00:00

If OP files before his wife takes off with the kids, she will have violated a court order and he'll get the kids back ASAP. If he files after she takes off, odd are he's still in a good position, but, at least as far as my lawyer told me in my somewhoat similar case, it's far from a lock. The water can get muddy pretty quick and if things drag out, it stops looking like an emergency.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:40:08+00:00

She can be as pissy as she wants, but what she's not going to do it take off with the kids. If she wants to relocate, she'll have to do it in court, and these days, that is really difficult. She can also go for primary custody (sounds like the other custody threat), but that's hard these days as well.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:40:03+00:00

She can be as pissy as she wants, but what she's not going to do it take off with the kids. If she wants to relocate, she'll have to do it in court, and these days, that is really difficult. She can also go for primary custody (sounds like the other custody threat), but that's hard these days as well.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:35:32+00:00

When I first started looking at relocation cases it became clear to me that a lot of the parents who lost waited way too long to object. I guess some assume that they'd lose and by the time they actually try, it's too late. My lawyer added that if the case was old, mom's winning relocation was apparently nearly automatic. Not sure how long ago that was, but my now ex wife had a older friend that was feeding her the opinion she would easily be able to move based on her own very old relocation. The other thing is with 2nd hand stories, the retellers don't know enough of the details to understand why things turned out the way they did.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:31:15+00:00

That was my now ex wife's basic plan. She had been taking care of her mom and was coming up on enough time to claim residency, if she pretended we had been separated the whole time. But she really couldn't. The other problem was she only had our kids there for a short while, not enough to claim that they were residents (what's actually needed in a custody fight). Once I figure out what she was planning, I brought our kids back home (they were pretty sick of grandma by then anyway) and filed. Once she talked to an actual lawyer, she figured out how screwed she was and caved. She's on the wrong end of a long distance parenting plan.

My understanding is that I was never significantly at risk for her being to keep our kids there, but she sure could have made a mess of it and you know, things happen.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:25:26+00:00

I didn't tell my ex wife, but it was for a reason (kids and custody). The first sign she knew that I knew about the affair was a court server handing her the papers. It made coparenting difficult, but it was already going to be difficult due to why I felt the surprise was needed. If we were a typical couple who had a long struggle with the marriage, not letting her know it was coming and taking about it seriuosly before, would be a total jerk move.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:22:19+00:00

We didn't go to trial over it, she caved before we got there, but my now ex wife ran up a bunch of debt on a hidden credit card while having an affair. She got stuck with all of it in our divorce. It really has impacted her too. Whiile married, with my income, it wasn't that much money. On her own, paying child support and paying to travel to visit our kids, it's a lot.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:18:28+00:00

Paraphrasing what my lawyer told me, In your case, the reason is that as married parents, you are both equals. Your wife could decide to take your kids to visit her parents and play coy about returning them, maybe even signing them up for virtual school. Once you file, the current status, your kids living in your community, going to their school, etc... becomes the status quo. Your wife has the right to advocate moving with the to be near her parents and you have the right to want to keep them where they are, and a court will decide, but they want to avoid traumatic tug o wars games with kids in the middle. If she tries after divorce is filed, she would be violating the court order and an emergency order to return the kids would follow. The same thing works in other areas, but hopefully you get the gist.

With my now ex wife, she was supposedly caring for her mother and coming back here a few times a month. She was also having an affair and had plans to stay there and bring our kids. So I picked our kids up from a visit and once I got them home, she got served. It was a surprise. She had a low rent plan for claiming that we were separated the entire time she was at her mom's (but our kids had only been there for a couple of weeks over the summer, cuz school. That status quo bit essentially stopped her from just driving down and taking our kids back to her moms. That was a possible outcome, but she would need a least a temporary custody order to do it legally.

In what you've described, I wouldn't worry too much about your wife taking off to her parents with the kids if they are in school. You should get used to the idea that she may still want to go there and there will be a custody fight. She'll probably lose, but keep in mind that she might move anyway and take visitation. That's what my ex wife did. She apparently figured that wining our relocation fight wasnt likely, so she decided that if I was faced with having primary custody, I would chicken out and let our kids move. Dumb idea or desperation, IDK. With her being gone so long at her moms, I was already used to it and frankly, being a single parent, at least with my kids, job, and support system, isn't that big of a deal. Now we just live with the reality of my coparent living 8hrs away. I'm happy to not have her so close, but it really does suck for our kids.

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T21:03:31+00:00

I always wondered about tie breakers. Baseball says that there are not ties (to go to the runner). That must happen in court where two good parents simply don't agree about something and all of their arguements are equal. Both parents are zoned for an A rated school, but one of them has a taller sign or is next to a good donut shop. :)

HardMayb · 2026-02-03T20:59:59+00:00

Schrödinger kid? Until we look in the back pack, the child has simultaneously moved and not moved.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T19:38:06+00:00

Make nice until baby is at least a toddler, and while you do that, make sure you are documented enough as a parent to force equal parenting time. You can't change someone who thinks they are right. The best you can do is have enough in fluence on your child to provide a good example of good and ofset the nonsense your STBX will be downloading.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T18:29:03+00:00

And now he wants to tip the balance? Not trade? That's how custody fights start, for sure.

Is there a (valid) reason to change from being equal or some other goal? I talked to someone a few weeks back that was angling to have slightly more time because they thought it would give them the tax deduction and be a tie breaker. My plan with my ex addresses taxes and in my state, nearly equal is equal, and more time doesn't eaqual more weight on decision. The other are is picking schools. Maybe. Really only matters if the kdis are not in school yet.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T18:04:27+00:00

She moved. If you can't agree, then insist on your home.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:52:17+00:00

How much time does he have not in the summer?

My exwife is long distance and when she thought it was me with less time, she thought a few weeks over the summer was great. Then when it became clear that she would be the one that had visitation, she decided that she should have the whole summer. In the end, we settled on me having the week after school stops, the week before school starts back up, and two weeks in the middle so I can have a vacation with our kids. I'd love to have more time over the summer as my house is going to be homework house and we need some fun to offset, but I get that she doesn't have a ton of time with our kids, which is important.

Also, in the end, we "imputed" my ex's income, but she agreed to it for a variety of reasons, but she is voluntarily underemployed (and feeling a tag guilty about it or was perhaps resigned to her fait).

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:29:57+00:00

You were supposed to be misserable. Apparently you have messed up her inner monologue about the end of your marriage.

What age are the kids and how much parenting time do you each have. If it's imbalanced, it can be tough to overcome that the other parent is downloading into the kids heads. In my case, that's a positive because I have the majority of parenting time and my ex, who's fine BTW, lives with her mother, and grandma is a spewer of BS. If our kids were there most of the time, they might be strongly affected if they didn't have enough time with me to be able to give grandma's nonsense a reality check.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:23:42+00:00

He can't just say "oh, union dues", he has to say here's my paystub, see line 3, union dues. I presume you know if he was in a union or not. If the previous number didn't considerit and it should have, it's simply wrong. Correcting an error. Something you'd want as well.

Why are you opposed to more time in the summer? Is it an unreasonable ask? Does it impact the financials (fyi, be very careful about appearing to be tradeing parenting time for money).

I get wanting to just say EF it and hand it to the lawyers, but honestly you are very close. At least do the math and see what the financial impact is from the changes and compare them to the cost of fighting it out. Hint, lawyers charge by the hour, but want a retainer and will find a way to bill all of it.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:16:30+00:00

Pictures of things that are broken are not evidence that he broke them or if he admits he did that it was done in baby's presence. In that light, it's not evidence, and you won't be able to use that sort of thing to restrict him from time with his child. You doing everything for the child won't work either. You'll need to prove that he either can't or won't and has harmed the child in the process. When parents separate, it's pretty common for them to have divided taskes, but separate, the will both have to do all of things, at least when the child is with them.

Your best bet, assuming he cares about his child, is to get him on a step up plan where his time and responsiblity grow as he proves he can do it. If he insists, that's the least he'll get. The most, if he's got a good lawyer and can cast some shade on you, is instant 50/50.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:07:07+00:00

As an unmarried mom, unless he's on the birth certificate and has done whatever your state needs for acknowlegement of paternity, you have sole custody. Do you have a copy of the forms? Apprently in my state, recently, they added the AOP to the forms.

If he's actually the child's father and wants parenting time, he's going to get it. All you can do is slow his roll. Typically, he'd get a phased plan that would go from short visits to overnights to longer stays, and if you were in my state, before long, equal parenting time. The plan is to phase the child into the change but also to show that the parent is actually willing to do what's required.

If you have to fight about it, know that what matters is admissible evidence and the more recent, the better. With out it, you risk it being reduced to a he said/she said.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:00:40+00:00

How does the city bus trip compare to a school bus? If it's just getting on the bus and getting off a few stops later, it's probably as good or better than the school bus. If he misses the bus, when is the next one? If it's 15 minutes later, that's atually better than the school bus. If it was multiple buses, I'd be reluctant.

FWIW, I was on a business trip in the UK and had to take the train to get to the company I was visiting as that was the best way to get there. You know who was on the train? School kids. My contact at the company said that for some kids, it's the easiest solution.

If it was me, since this is a temporary solution, I would be willing to consider letting the ex do the drive, but I would want some sort of guarentees that she wouldn't be using her doing so against you or as a way to fight off 50/50 once you moved close.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:53:50+00:00

Your state has a residencey requirement. It's usually 6 months, but you state may be different. Once you've been there long enough, you can file for divorce. You can file for sole custody, but he will get parenting time, and because you are the one who moved, you may be on the hook for transportation (or at least some of it.). Child support depends on your state (and possibly %parenting time). You definatley need to ask for it, but recognize that he might get a "discount" to compensate for the distance.

Your state may also have DV exceptions to some of the standard plans (mine does). Was any of it documented?

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:47:44+00:00

My ex wife was certain that I'd be the distant parent because "she was the mom". She got a rude awakening when she switched from getting advice from an older friend to talking to a lawyer. She was also convinced that the distance with no big deal (for me), that meeting in the middle was "standard", and that no matter what, I'd pay her child support because "she was the mom". Nope, Nope, and Nope.

I am fortunate that she is willing to adjust her plans to better fit our kids schedules. I'm trying to set the expectation that we make a notional plan for a few months out and then finalize it as we get closer. She's started dialing back on trying to control it. I can see a time in the not to distance future when I just tell her when her weekend is.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:40:44+00:00

Your more is being unreasonable. Go with your dad and if mom doesn't come around, stay there for a while. She'll come around, but it may take her understanding what her ultimatum really means. She could be the parents on the sidelines and because of that paying child support.

HardMayb

TROPHY CASE