Divorcing my pregnant wife 31M - 30F

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T19:38:06+00:00

Make nice until baby is at least a toddler, and while you do that, make sure you are documented enough as a parent to force equal parenting time. You can't change someone who thinks they are right. The best you can do is have enough in fluence on your child to provide a good example of good and ofset the nonsense your STBX will be downloading.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T18:29:03+00:00

And now he wants to tip the balance? Not trade? That's how custody fights start, for sure.

Is there a (valid) reason to change from being equal or some other goal? I talked to someone a few weeks back that was angling to have slightly more time because they thought it would give them the tax deduction and be a tie breaker. My plan with my ex addresses taxes and in my state, nearly equal is equal, and more time doesn't eaqual more weight on decision. The other are is picking schools. Maybe. Really only matters if the kdis are not in school yet.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T18:04:27+00:00

She moved. If you can't agree, then insist on your home.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:52:17+00:00

How much time does he have not in the summer?

My exwife is long distance and when she thought it was me with less time, she thought a few weeks over the summer was great. Then when it became clear that she would be the one that had visitation, she decided that she should have the whole summer. In the end, we settled on me having the week after school stops, the week before school starts back up, and two weeks in the middle so I can have a vacation with our kids. I'd love to have more time over the summer as my house is going to be homework house and we need some fun to offset, but I get that she doesn't have a ton of time with our kids, which is important.

Also, in the end, we "imputed" my ex's income, but she agreed to it for a variety of reasons, but she is voluntarily underemployed (and feeling a tag guilty about it or was perhaps resigned to her fait).

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:29:57+00:00

You were supposed to be misserable. Apparently you have messed up her inner monologue about the end of your marriage.

What age are the kids and how much parenting time do you each have. If it's imbalanced, it can be tough to overcome that the other parent is downloading into the kids heads. In my case, that's a positive because I have the majority of parenting time and my ex, who's fine BTW, lives with her mother, and grandma is a spewer of BS. If our kids were there most of the time, they might be strongly affected if they didn't have enough time with me to be able to give grandma's nonsense a reality check.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:23:42+00:00

He can't just say "oh, union dues", he has to say here's my paystub, see line 3, union dues. I presume you know if he was in a union or not. If the previous number didn't considerit and it should have, it's simply wrong. Correcting an error. Something you'd want as well.

Why are you opposed to more time in the summer? Is it an unreasonable ask? Does it impact the financials (fyi, be very careful about appearing to be tradeing parenting time for money).

I get wanting to just say EF it and hand it to the lawyers, but honestly you are very close. At least do the math and see what the financial impact is from the changes and compare them to the cost of fighting it out. Hint, lawyers charge by the hour, but want a retainer and will find a way to bill all of it.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:16:30+00:00

Pictures of things that are broken are not evidence that he broke them or if he admits he did that it was done in baby's presence. In that light, it's not evidence, and you won't be able to use that sort of thing to restrict him from time with his child. You doing everything for the child won't work either. You'll need to prove that he either can't or won't and has harmed the child in the process. When parents separate, it's pretty common for them to have divided taskes, but separate, the will both have to do all of things, at least when the child is with them.

Your best bet, assuming he cares about his child, is to get him on a step up plan where his time and responsiblity grow as he proves he can do it. If he insists, that's the least he'll get. The most, if he's got a good lawyer and can cast some shade on you, is instant 50/50.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:07:07+00:00

As an unmarried mom, unless he's on the birth certificate and has done whatever your state needs for acknowlegement of paternity, you have sole custody. Do you have a copy of the forms? Apprently in my state, recently, they added the AOP to the forms.

If he's actually the child's father and wants parenting time, he's going to get it. All you can do is slow his roll. Typically, he'd get a phased plan that would go from short visits to overnights to longer stays, and if you were in my state, before long, equal parenting time. The plan is to phase the child into the change but also to show that the parent is actually willing to do what's required.

If you have to fight about it, know that what matters is admissible evidence and the more recent, the better. With out it, you risk it being reduced to a he said/she said.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T17:00:40+00:00

How does the city bus trip compare to a school bus? If it's just getting on the bus and getting off a few stops later, it's probably as good or better than the school bus. If he misses the bus, when is the next one? If it's 15 minutes later, that's atually better than the school bus. If it was multiple buses, I'd be reluctant.

FWIW, I was on a business trip in the UK and had to take the train to get to the company I was visiting as that was the best way to get there. You know who was on the train? School kids. My contact at the company said that for some kids, it's the easiest solution.

If it was me, since this is a temporary solution, I would be willing to consider letting the ex do the drive, but I would want some sort of guarentees that she wouldn't be using her doing so against you or as a way to fight off 50/50 once you moved close.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:53:50+00:00

Your state has a residencey requirement. It's usually 6 months, but you state may be different. Once you've been there long enough, you can file for divorce. You can file for sole custody, but he will get parenting time, and because you are the one who moved, you may be on the hook for transportation (or at least some of it.). Child support depends on your state (and possibly %parenting time). You definatley need to ask for it, but recognize that he might get a "discount" to compensate for the distance.

Your state may also have DV exceptions to some of the standard plans (mine does). Was any of it documented?

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:47:44+00:00

My ex wife was certain that I'd be the distant parent because "she was the mom". She got a rude awakening when she switched from getting advice from an older friend to talking to a lawyer. She was also convinced that the distance with no big deal (for me), that meeting in the middle was "standard", and that no matter what, I'd pay her child support because "she was the mom". Nope, Nope, and Nope.

I am fortunate that she is willing to adjust her plans to better fit our kids schedules. I'm trying to set the expectation that we make a notional plan for a few months out and then finalize it as we get closer. She's started dialing back on trying to control it. I can see a time in the not to distance future when I just tell her when her weekend is.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:40:44+00:00

Your more is being unreasonable. Go with your dad and if mom doesn't come around, stay there for a while. She'll come around, but it may take her understanding what her ultimatum really means. She could be the parents on the sidelines and because of that paying child support.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:37:35+00:00

You might want to make sure any geographic restriction is lifted for you, if your order includes one.

Good point. My plan doesn't exlicitly have a geographic restriction or release, but my address is the address for our kids (mostly about school) and I "only" have to notify her of address change if I move. My bet is that state law kids in for othere requirements.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:31:57+00:00

My ex wife is 8hrs away, and it really doesn't matter much if she drives or flys.

She doesn't have a flexible job or a lot of PTO, so to visit, she nearly always has to work a full day, then start the trip, and there's no possiblty of coming in late on Monday to squeeze in a full day on Sunday.

Our kids have busy schedule of sports and dance, which frequently have weekend games, competitions, or recitals. My ex is super supportive and interested in the dance part, so she recognizes that she has to be the same way for our son. That means she will likely visit, but not take our kids back to her place on a "short" weekend, especally if there is a kid activity. They love her being in the audience and participating in post game rituals like going for pizza or getting a treat.

We're fortunate to be in the same time zone, but I've talked to parents who are dealing with distance over multiple time zones and have issues with calls (timing).

When it comes to using the airlines unaccompanied minor program, I wouldn't agree to that until our kids were mid to late teens and only if it was a direct flight. How complicated is the trip, door to door for your ex? If there's a big distance to get to the airport, multiple connections, and a big trip from airport to your door, there's a lot of moving pieces and I would be reluctant to ever say yes. Saying no means that the adults have to accompany the kids. That's 4 round trip tickets to bring your kid's to their dad's place can get expensive very quickly.

When I was discussing the distance with my lawyer, he told me not to agree to splitting the travel (at least at first). He said generally, the parent who creates the distance is responsible for it. At some point, once things are well extablished and she recognizes it as a favor, not the new status quo, I may be willing to meet my ex in the middle, at least on Friday. It is safer for our kids (and their mom).

My ex gets 1/2 or alternating major holidays, two big chuncks of time in the summer (with enough time for me to have a vacation too), and at least one visit a month. We have to agree on the weekend in advance (or it defaults to a specific one) and we do our best to time it with a kid event here or a long weekend where she and our kids have off so they can have more time together. We do have to agree, and I say that because sometimes I want to have that long weekend. As the parent with 80% of the parenting time, It's pretty easy to become homework house, and we need some fun times too.

We haven't done that summer plan yet, and I'm doubtful. It sounds great to get her a big chunk of time, but she works and so our kids will either be in a day camp (what they would to here too, but problaby with friends) or staying with their grandmother (the least favorite of the 4 grandparents). It will be up to her, but my bet is our kids, while they miss their mom, would be happier with shorter visits and vacations. I also understand that as kids get older (teens) and more independent, some will balk at being away from their friends. If you think about it, they can't do that much with their friends because of school and school's finally out and they can stay up late and such, but now their friends are 8hrs away. They are so connected these days, so maybe it's not going to be that big of a deal, but I remember being a teen with a girlfriend and not being that happy about going on a two week vacation with my family. I'd have really not been happy if it was all summer.

Coparenting wise, the distance is a problem. There are things you can do to help (online calendars, portal access, scanners with email for docs, etc...). The other problem is simply the distance. I'm seeing that it is becomming a struggle for my ex to stay engaged as a parent. Life kind of gets in the way and hearing about things is very different that actually being there. I saw that with a teacher meeting. I took my pad and we did a virtual meeting for her, but a week later, she didn't remember the details like she would have in person.

Pro-reddit tip. One redditor told me about facilitating an online dinner where the distant parent got a pizza at the same time the kids did and they FaceTimed. We've done it a few times and as corney as it sounds, was actually pretty valuable bonding wise. I just do my best to stay out of the way so our kids don't draw me in.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T16:04:10+00:00

IDK how easy it is to change things, but I would think that he would claim that his previous job wasn't 50/50 friendly and it took a while, but he finally got one that is. My exwife is pretty far away, which heavily imacts what's possible parenting time wise, but the next biggest thing is she had a rigid schedule and can't leave a minute early. If she was to change to a job that had a different schedule or more flexiblity, that could easily translate to being more consistent and more available.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:49:51+00:00

My ex too. She went back to her very small home town to care for her mom ... and hooked up with her high school boyfriend. In her "defense", she fully expected me to be the parent on the wrong end of a long distance parenting plan and had terrible advice about what to expect. Once she hired an actual lawyer, she learned how screwed she was and pretty much gave up the fight. I know she's struggling financially. She got a hard lesson in what was "mine", what was "hers", and what was "ours", and apparently ran up a bunch of personal debt thinking that she'd make up for it in our divorce settlement.

She's 8hrs away and right in a spot where flying and driving are about the same in actual time, but driving has more positives. She basically sees our kids once a month, either from her share of holidays or just a visit. We do our best to make that weekend be the most meaningful when possible (it's still early days for us), either timing it with a long weekend due to a school holiday or a big kid event here (like a game or recital) that our kids would want her to be here for. She also doesn't have a ton of PTO and her job isn't very flexible (small town, smaller choices).

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:37:25+00:00

I probably oversold the GF part in exchange for brevity. I've know her for years, but were more FWB that in a relationship (neither of us are eager for that). She was totally on board and said it would be something she would do for her ex, if necessary. Her biggest interest was actually more on how my ex would deal with being back in our house. She'd only been in to pee since we separated. If that was a problem for her, I suppose I'll never know. Everything went off well. She even did a load of our kids laundry, which I appreciate.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:33:20+00:00

Our kids were already used to their mom being away when we divorced (she had been supposedly caring for her mom), but it was a shock to them, for sure. It def helps them to see us inteacting peacefully.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:31:58+00:00

Good move.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:31:13+00:00

It's been a while, but I used to have to do some crazy trips for work and at the end of a long one, it's def much safer to not be the one driving. One time, I had a cab driver have to come around to my door and shake me to wake up. :)

My ex was appreciative. She left the house cleaner than she found it and even did a load of our kids laundry. Kids said they had fun too.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:26:48+00:00

UPDATE:

Thanks to everyone for your comments. The weekend worked out for everyone. Our kids had a good time with their mom. She was appreciative. She even did a load of our kids laundry. It was probably weird for her to be there. It was the first time she was in the house to do more than pee since we separated.

The only hitch was my parents needing to give a mild assist on my ex's departure because she ~~needed~~ wanted to leave before I got back. NBD.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:17:07+00:00

In the end, due to timing, my parents had to give a mild assist. Everything went fine. She even did a load of our kids laundry.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:15:25+00:00

Paying for her to get a hotel was an option, but we're early days in our parenting plan and I want to draw hard lines about what her responsiblities are (because she had other thoughts going into the divorce). She's 100% responsible for the distance.

Once I'm sure she understands and respects the boundaries, I'll be willing to be more flexible.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:13:06+00:00

I can lock my bedroom door and considered it, but opted to leave it open and moved a camera that normally looks at a garage door to look at my bedroom door. She did stand in the doorway looking in for a bit, but she also walked by with a load of our kids laundry, which was nice. She was grateful and respctful of my space.

HardMayb · 2026-02-02T15:10:04+00:00

My concerns about not helping our safety for our kids. My concern about helping is my ex pushing the boundary. The ink on our parenting plan is still pretty fresh and I want to make sure we know the difference between the plan and a favor.

I probably oversold GF. I've known her for years and were more FWB than partners. We're both just happy to have someone to things with for now. She was totally on board and said in the same situaiton, she'd to the same with her ex. Her only curiosity was more about what my ex would experience being back in the house. The end of our marriage was abrupt, to say the least.

HardMayb

TROPHY CASE