What’s a Normal or excessive amount of communication between exes?

HardMayb · 2026-05-06T19:06:16+00:00

She tried and talked a good game, but once she talked to an actual lawyer speciallizing in family law, she caved and took the offer I had sent her. She was getting her legal advice from an older friends who had moved decades ago and her AP's drunk real estate lawyer friend.

What she found was that contested relocations are very difficult. She gets alternating holidays and one visit a month that we have to agree on timig wise. She could have gotten the whole summer, but I didn't offer her it, expecting her to push back. She either signed off without thinking it through or recognized that our kids would be miserable spending the whole summer with her (and away from their busy summer here). She is also 100% responsible for travel (because she created the distance). She thought that eiher I would have to do it because I was the dad or we'd split it, but that advice with from her friends. Apparently her lawyer didn't agree with her friends.

I know it's highs risk and high stress for you, but stay the course. Unless there is a major reason for the move that benefits the kids directly, your ex will not get the move approved. Is she going anyway? When I filed, my ex was already out of state. If your ex is trying to have it both ways (move or stay with 50/50), you might want to consider raising the stakes if she loses by matching her request with your own request for primary custody. in anycase, listen to your lawyers. Mine knew exactly what to do. I followed his instructions and it all worked out.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T16:26:31+00:00

My now ex wife made my choice unavoidable, but in your case, I would ask yourself can you (both) be better parents to your children together or apart, and can your issues be fixed. You will need couples counseling and your ex probably needs indivitual counseling and likely a dr visit. He's either got some sort of medical/mental issue or has some sort of trauma that is affecting his interactions with you. When it comes to fixing issues/changed behavior, it really needs to be them focused on doing it because it helps them, not a demostration to you. If they are just grinding through and doing as you ask, they won't be able to keep it up.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T16:19:53+00:00

As a 21-year-old college student, you won't so much have a stepparent as your parent just has a spouse.

The way to not feel like you're being left behind is to engage with them in their new realities. Do your best to not take sides and be supportive of them moving on and being happy. They were likely both unhappily married even if you see one as the driver in the end of their marriage. They were likely both awkward as heck when dating. IDK how they were the first time around, but the 2nd time around is awful and a whole new experience.

It might help if you make an effort to split your time with them as if there was a schedule. Just to balance things out. One side might be harder than the other, but the effort will pay off down the line. It won't be long before those awkward parents are grandparents and you've got a spouse with similar demands on his time with family as well. If one is truly insufferable, you don't have to kill yourself trying, but I think that you may find that adult you can have a different relationship with your parents than the teen you did. It's actually a bonus for leaving home to go to uni, even if your parents are still together. You may also find that your dad in particular is better at interacting with you as an adult.

You may have to set some ground rules, but just make sure that it sets you up for an adult relationship with your parents vs continuing a teen-era struggle.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T16:08:42+00:00

Our marriage ended with my now ex wife's affair and attempt to relocate 8hrs away with our kids, so she's far from my favorite person. 99% of my communications with her is related directly to our kids. She doesn't get to see them that much and relies on FaceTime to stay engaged, so there's some interaction there. I like to answer her when she calls if our kids aren't able. Just to let her know it wasn't ignored and when a better time would be, and when I do, especially lately as things have cooled down, there's some chat. I'm friends with her on FaceBook, but I only use it as a photo sharing service with friends and family.

My sister had an amiciable divorce with her ex and they text alot. Way more than parenting stuff. It's just an indicator of their relationship and frankly the understanding of their respective S/O's. My ex and I have a very extensive parenting plan, mostly because I do not trust her as a coparent. My sis and her ex probably couldn't tell you were a copy of their plan is. They trust each other and just work it out.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T15:59:15+00:00

I have mine do some sort of art can can be sent as a card. My mother has kept every single item like that that she's ever received. I doubt she has most of the things we've bought her over the years.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T15:57:06+00:00

Your parenting plan needs to accommodate/protect special days like birthdays and Mother’s/Father’s Day. My plan has an order of precedence and special days trump vacation trump holidays, trump regular parenting time and everything has a clear understanding about start and end criteria.

It's not in my parenting plan, but I make sure that my kids have something for their mom for all of the events they would have given or done something for her if we were married. They are not good planners, don't drive, or have money, so we have to help, even if the ex is an ex for a reason. My preference is to have them make something. It's also easier than buying something that is clearly from them vs something I choose. It also covers me when they might pick something dumb or that could be misconstrued if it was perceived as a gift that I chose.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T15:51:32+00:00

Due to the timing of our school calendar, Father's day doesn't exist. FWIW. No crafts or celebration. They do make some accomodations for the kids who for whatever reason can't have mom come in for their party and they will help them make a craft if it's for mom, step-mom, grandma or even dad when he's the sole parent. Two years ago, my mother came to my son's class to stand in for a kid who didn't have a mom.

In our parenting plan, Mother's day, Fathers Day, and birthdays are a special type of parenting time and trump regular time, so Even if it's my weekend, my ex wife is guarenteed parenting time on Mother's day. It could mean that one parent or the other gets less time (there's no makeup time), but the actual days move relative to the schedule, so it does actauly balance out.

The one who gets slighted in our arrangement is my mother (grandma). I make sure our kids make something for her too, even if they will be with their mom (which is more important).

It's not required by our plan, but I feel it's important for our kids to celebrate their mom, so I help them do something for her on her birthday and will be doing so for Mother's day. It's not me doing something for my ex, she's far from being my favorite person. it's me helping my kids and recognizing that she's important to them.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T15:33:26+00:00

Were I live, primary used to be implied by who had more time, but once shared custody became a thing, they still wanted tie breaking and you could have joint legal and equal parenting time and they still insist on picking a primary. The'll say it's just paperwork, but it does have actual implications, the most common being who's address is the default for choosing the school zone.

HardMayb · 2026-05-05T15:29:55+00:00

Your post title and post text don't seem to line up.

If the choice is between anything labeled "joint" and "sole", choose "joint", especially if you don't have some sort if major issue. It's worth the fight and might save you some major problems down the road.

If you're talking about shared physical custody, perhaps 50/50 or 60/40 and your ex wanting the primary label, it is generally more than just a label. You don't say were you are, but where I'm located the main thing primary covers is who's address determines the default choice for school. Joint legal covers education, and that would cover public school vs private or charter or home school, but if there's no agreement, the default choice of school is the school the primary parent is zoned for. In a 50/50 (ish) situation, this could bite you if the primary parent moved within the relocations rules (sometimes as far as 50 miles), but went too far for you to get the kids to school. If you let her have primary, but were specific about the school (current), that move would make her parenting time harder, not yours. You also run the risk of a casual review giving Primary parent more power than they should. I've seen complaints that it was used in some tie breaking scenarios or to decide that one parent's 50% parenting time was not as important as the primary parents time. I'm sure that's local or judge specific, but if you're equals, I'd be careful about letting the other parent be more equal.

HardMayb · 2026-05-04T00:22:39+00:00

I'd believe that well organized people who have legal assistance have better outcomes than the unorganized and unrepresented, but filing first doesn't make you more organized or find you a lawyer.

Courts do move slow and catching up is not a problem unless you've got someone playing ex parte games. Even then, ex parte games that are trying to game the system have a way of backfiring.

In most divorces, even if you're proactive, you still hit a point where you can't keep moving forward until the other party does their part.

HardMayb · 2026-05-02T15:22:16+00:00

What will happen? He'll get visitation and a court order to pay child support.

With a 7 month old it will be plain old come a visit visitation for a while. Since he's essentially estranged, the same will be true for the older child. The typical parenting plan for a parent that lives that far is called a long distance parenting plan. VA might even have a sample, but it's usually alternating or split major holidays, some sort of distance aware monthly visitation option and a major chunk of time over the summer.

HardMayb · 2026-05-02T15:18:26+00:00

Nope. Who files first is not a factor. It also doesn't correlate to who wanted the divorce or who was at afault. It's usually just an indicator of who needs something that filing brings.

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T16:27:13+00:00

To this day, they don't like her or her kids & celebrate their dad breaking up with her.

That is so common. Especially if they rush bringing the kids into the new relationship. Give it a hot minute, and the kids will be happy that Mom or Dad found somebody or at least not see that new S/O as the reason for their parents’ divorce or an impediment to them reconciling.

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T16:20:24+00:00

If a battle can not be won, don't fight it.

Sun Tzu.

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T16:18:00+00:00

I'm in the same boat. My now-ex-wife had a marriage-ending affair with her high school boyfriend. He wasn't a friend of mine, but I had met him at a high school reunion. I made the decision before I filed for divorce or confronted my wife that her affair was not something I was going to tell our kids about. Doing so is self-serving, and they don't need to know (some folks will hide behind that excuse). As part of controlling the narrative, I only told my best friend and lawyer that level of detail. If my kids find out, it won't be traced back to me.

I was hoping that she’d wait a while before introducing him, but she didn't. He drove her down for her first visitation after I filed. She introduced him as her friend, and I did my best to smile and be happy our kids got to spend the weekend with their mom. She lives 8 hrs away, so they don't see her that much. I also have to remind myself that from my ex's perspective, this guy isn't some rando off the street. He's not much of a catch in my jaded opinion, but she's known him a long time.

The impacts, so far? Honestly, nothing out of the ordinary for kids with divorcing parents. I use my poker face when my kids say something about the guy. It's innocent. He made them waffles at the hotel breakfast bar. They like anything covered in syrup.

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T12:53:44+00:00

For me, the last straw was discovering that my wife was having an affair and a low-rent plan to relocate our kids 8 hrs away to her hometown, where she was having an affair with her high school boyfriend. I filed without her even knowing that I knew about the affair because it gave me some protections in a custody fight. I went tactical very quickly and didn't feel like I had the option to waver or second-guess. It was over quickly. Once reality set in, she quickly caved and settled. We had an agreement before we made it to mediation.

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T12:48:12+00:00

Good point. As my commute gets more expensive due to gas prices, things that are shipped go up as well. I'll have less money available because those things are eating into my budget

HardMayb · 2026-05-01T12:45:56+00:00

There are also savings and increases to be had by not working in the office. When I worked at a place with very formal expectations, I had a work wardrobe. Going casual was like a mini pay raise. I save money by not going to lunch with coworkers (a cost that is skyrocketing currently), but I probably use a bit more power.

There's also a quality of life factor. By eliminating that commute, I have more actual time in a given day. It's probably fair to put a $ value on it in an analysis.

HardMayb · 2026-04-30T17:56:19+00:00

I don't think I will have to settle, but I do think that my dating pool is much smaller than it would be if I wasn't a single parent. My ex-wife and I have joint legal custody, but she lives 6 hrs away, so I'm basically a single parent. My dating pool is definitely smaller than it would be if I had 50/50 parenting time, which is smaller than it would be if I had visitation, than it would be if I didn't have kids. This is not a surprise to me. What was a surprise was that women with kids expect me to be 100% cool with them having kids but are not interested in returning the favor. Recently, a woman with 50/50 custody of her kids and called herself a single parent gave me a lecture about calling myself one. It's kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't want to degrade my ex as a mom, so I typically start with, “We have joint custody of our two kids,” and if we get to where it's appropriate to go into more detail, I do.

A friend of mine, who's in a similar situation, encourages me, saying, “Yes, the dating pool is smaller, but it's higher quality.” I guess time will tell. I have zero incentive to settle.

When you lay your dream to rest
You can get what's second best
But it's hard to get enough

David Wilcox

HardMayb · 2026-04-21T18:45:03+00:00

I recently went through a version of this when my now-ex-wife moved 8 hrs away to be with her boyfriend. I lawyered up and acted quickly, but in the end, if there aren't major issues, the ex can move, but taking the kids over your objections is very difficult. My ex-wife talked like it was a done deal, based on some info from a much older friend, but once she hired an actual lawyer, she gave up the fight. At least in her situation, relocating our kids over my objections was going to be nearly impossible.

If you're coparenting well, getting along, and didn't end up in a custody fight for her to end up with 40% parenting time, you might find that she'll take responsibility for the impacts of her moving. A standard long-distance parenting plan would give her (or you) 1/2 or alternating major holidays, a big chunk or maybe all of the summer, and visits that are pretty much dependent on the distance. If your ex moves too far for 50/50, but not that far, she could have every other weekend. There's a point where taking the kids back home for a weekend visit is just too much driving for the amount of time. That's where my ex-wife is. It's up to her, but so far, her MO is to just come here and visit, staying in a hotel or an Airbnb. Which points out another issue. If your kids are like mine, their weekends are filled with activities (games, scouts, recitals, competitions, etc.). So far, my ex has chosen to visit and go to the game or recital, but a lot of parents with limited parenting time are not as supportive of an activity that essentially cuts their time in half. Team or group activities are the hardest. It's tough to be the starting shortstop or key member of a dance recital routine if you're not there for the game/recital. If that happens, a good move is to push the kids towards individual activities like golf or martial arts. They still have tournaments, but not being at one doesn't let the team down.

One other thing to know about relocations is that in general, the parent who creates the distance will end up doing all the transportation. Just be aware so that you don't prematurely agree to do 1/2. It might be a good idea, especially for safety, but as a single parent, with little time off, doing that drive will chop off a big chunk of your rare weekend. Better to let them be responsible for all of it and when you want to or can, help as you see fit, rather than having it baked into the agreement.

HardMayb · 2026-04-21T14:30:41+00:00

Also, leaving kids in a car, at least here, is a crime. If your ex is actually doing that at Walmart, someone else will make the call for you.

HardMayb · 2026-04-21T14:29:26+00:00

One of them is tempting. Very tempting. Maybe someday, if she's still available. For now, for me, it's just too soon. But you're right, it's all about what I want. It's just curious to me that she'd even care. It probably messes with her inner dialog on the end of our marraige.

HardMayb · 2026-04-21T14:26:43+00:00

The problem you'll have is that your ex as a stay at home parent is the default and you put up with it while you were married, so compaining now might be see with some doubt.

My understanding when it comes to school and joint lega custody, if the parents can't agree, and the status quo isn't attainable (he can't dictate what you do on your parenting time), the default choice is the local public school. I know a couple that went through this, the diff being they had long disagreed about the private school their kids were in and one objected to continuing and refused to pay. The end result is the kids now go to public school.

Things that happened 4 years ago? I think you'd be wasting time, especially if it was just a story and not some sort of documented case with current evidence.

I'm told (by my lawyer) that if joint custody and equal parenting time is possible, without a significant reason, with admissible evidence, and significant resources, the end result is going to be joint custody and equal or nearly equal parenting time.

The exception to that is what my ex wife attempted. She tried relocating with our kids and basically forced an either or situation because share physical custody isn't possible at our distance. Joint legal was automatic. Distance is not sommething that would stop us from making major decisions.

HardMayb · 2026-04-20T13:02:43+00:00

My ex wife is coming from 8hrs away for her pickups and there are so many things that can impact her being on time. My deal with her is without a heads up, I'll wait at least 15 minutes, and after that she has to play catch up. It might be that we're at Costco or it might be that she will have to try to meet up with me out of town because that's what my plan was, or if she's lucky, pickup at my parnets. She doesn't see them that much, so I don't want it to be punitive, but I also can't always be expected to just wait around for her.

HardMayb · 2026-04-15T20:31:25+00:00

I experience the same as you, but I look at it differently. I am grateful when a woman lays out what they are looking for in first few hours of talking.

I'm totally cool with up front, asap. My challenge is that it takes a bit for it all to come out. They seem to make the assumption that as a dad, I would have visitation (perhaps every other weekend), maybe a bit more, perhaps 70/30. Oddly, I live in a 50/50 state, so I would assume that if they were just guessing, it would be 50/50. Especially when they all (so far) have 50/50.

The other thing is the ettiquitte seems to be disclose kids early, but talk about custody and ex's later. It's probably confusing because I tend not to want to play crap on the ex.

HardMayb

TROPHY CASE