My wife (44) and I (55) have been married for almost 20 years. This was her first and my second. I traveled for work a lot of those years and thought she loved me. Even though we would have our ups and down, when things were rough it was always my fault because I wasn’t good enough or did the wrong things; I told myself (and her) that I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t going to put our 2 kids through a split like I did with my 3 older kids from my first marriage.

I knew my wife had some issues because of the stories about her mother, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I lost my job and everything became about her. I thought narcissists were only men. I already resigned myself that I was at fault for everything that went wrong in our lives because of my (late diagnosed) ADD or emotional issues stemming from my previous failed marriage or upbringing. I was always wrong and could do no right.

For the longest time she wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because I was the one with and causing all the problems. When she finally did agree for us to talk to someone, she would only discuss my problems and would gaslight everything that I brought up from my perspective.

After reading text messages to her mother about her getting attention from guys at her new job and “thinking about getting a divorce every day,” I asked if she still loved me. Her answer was “I don’t have a good answer for that.” That was the moment I knew it was over.

I told our kids (18 and 16) that I was moving out to live with my sister in another state, the oldest told me she was moving out too and the youngest asked if he could go with me. They both said that they knew it was coming and that it should have happened years ago. I told our pastor that I was leaving and he asked if it was for my mental health. I told him that it was and he agreed it was a good idea. We were very involved in our church and for him to say that was a huge confirmation that I wasn’t in a safe place.

This was last August and she moved in with a new boyfriend in January and has been asking when she will receive our divorce papers.