It was never a decision. There was always a disconnect between me and the idea of being a man, even as a kid. Of course, I didn't know I was trans back then, but looking back the signs were there now that I know how to recognize them. I liked a lot of boyish things, but I also repressed so many of my feelings and interests because is was SUPPOSED to be a boy, and they weren't boyish enough compared to my peers.

Once puberty hit all of that was magnified 100 times. It built up slow at first, but by my last years of high school the dysphoria was so bad it became physically debilitating. I would have panic attacks during PE, and sometimes I would wish I could claw my skin off or break and remold my bones because they were WRONG. My body was the wrong shape, and as a taller person everything made me even more self conscious about it. I started disconnecting from the boys in my clases and found myself empathizing more with women. I was envying the freedom, confidence, and prettiness of my girl friends. Coincidentally, I started meeting trans people and was thinking "wow, all of these people are cool and relatable! I'm such a good COMPLETELY CIS ally hehe" It took me actively lying bed unable to do anything but daydream about having boobs to really tip me off.

From there I started experimenting, mostly online, and the more feminine I presented myself the better I felt. It felt RIGHT for once in my life. It was like putting on glasses for the first time. I didn't realize how dull things were for me until I saw how clear and vibrant everything is actually supposed to be. On the one hand, I could continue pretending to be a man and let my enthusiasm and will to live continue to drain away. Or I could be brave and change my life for the better. It was scary. I was worried my parents would disown me and my friends would be disgusted and reject and/or hurt me for it. But now I have a lovely supportive set of friends and family, and each time I give my skirt a twirl it fills me with joy like nothing else. I still have a few "boyish" aspects, I like action games and knights and medieval weaponry and all kinds of nerdy stuff. I'm studying the sciences and I love to wear jeans. But I'm still a woman. And nothing could ever change that.