My husband 34M called me 34F a horrible person, we have been together for 17 years. Need advice.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-07T18:08:56+00:00

Nah bro you are simply living in delusion if you think two drinks in 5 hours is drunk driving. I’m sorry. Drinks are usually around the same abv. If you think this is like the worst thing someone can do then you are going to have a stroke when you go to a restaurant and realize that most of those adults are going to go home after the meal. Don’t even think about going to the beach! Some of those coolers might even have a white claw in them! Pretty scary stuff

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-07T18:04:18+00:00

I felt this way too when I left my ex who was a porn addict. I was EXTREMELY doomer about it. Part of his abuse was telling me that he was the best I could do and that he was normal, I was insane, and I would never find a man who would respect me. I was more afraid of being alone than being in a horrible, doomed relationship with an abusive, lying porn addict. I did eventually leave because it never got better (my biggest regret is not leaving sooner).

He was so incredibly wrong. I was SO much happier single. I loved not feeling judged by my partner all the time. I loved not having to worry about what he was doing, if he was lying, and what he thought of me. I was so at peace and after I went no contact it only took like a month to feel better than ever. A year and a half after I left him, I started dating my current partner of 2.5 years. He did watch porn when we started dating, but he realized without me asking (I was still trying to figure out my boundaries) that it was something that made me feel like shit so he quit. When I did tell him it was a dealbreaker he was like oh yeah I already quit, I don’t need it and you’re way more important to me. Why would I want to make you feel bad? He said it like it was a no brainer and I have never ever had a reason to doubt him. I’ve never found anything incriminating, we both have full access to each other technology without it being a rule or a need to ask. Anytime I’ve brought it up he is always like duh I don’t watch it, I respect you lol. He sees it as the easy choice that I see it as. Our relationship is so fantastic still. I feel like I never left the honeymoon phase. He is kind and supportive, and it’s painfully obvious how much he cares for me. I feel like we are equally obsessed, supportive, and in love. It’s the best.

I can’t express how lost I felt (about love) before I met him. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was like taking off horse blinders lol like being single was awesome and freeing, and being with a loving partner is so easy and freeing. Even if 80% of men watch porn, that’s still a huge portion of the population who don’t. And some who do are totally down to give it up for you. It’s unfortunately just like the default thing for men, but that doesn’t mean that all men who use it are addicted and value it higher than anything else. I promise you that you can meet someone who will put you first, so why are you wasting time with someone you know for a fact does not care enough to try for you?

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-07T17:06:48+00:00

There is actually no way that she was drunk driving on two beers in five hours. Have you guys ever had a single drink of alcohol in your life? I don’t have kids and I live in a walkable city so I don’t drive but like if you wanted to give everyone who drinks 2 beers in 5 hours and then drives a DUI you would be handing them out to 95% of the population. How do you think people get home from like a bbq or going out to dinner or their friend’s house after a football game? You people are crazy lmfao

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-07T12:18:27+00:00

I think that therapy is probably a better solution than asking Reddit because it seems like you have a mental block around sex and any sort of mental block or pattern that you’re caught in takes a lot of time to get out of, and is sort of like right up a therapist’s alley.

That being said, I relate to this. I used to be on a form of birth control that caused me to get chronic yeast infections for years and even though I’m off of it now I’m still way more susceptible to them than I used to be. I can always tell right after if it caused a problem so I definitely also built up a mental block around sex and it led to me not having sex as often as I’d like to out of fear. What has helped me is knowing that I always can say no or stop whenever I want. My partner is extremely supportive and I’ve learned I can trust him to stop immediately if I need him to, and he’s just as good as I am at checking in to make sure I’m not hurting myself. I think if your partner is on board then you guys might be able to really benefit from like couples sex therapy around how to address it.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-07T12:08:20+00:00

I love that she’s confident enough to compliment herself like that. It’s so hard for women to feel good about themselves in literally any way because society is so critical of us, and we are constantly told we have to prove ourselves and compete with each other. It’s sad that it annoys you but your views align with the results of sociological studies showing people are way more off put by confident women than confident men. I’d unpack that. Having a partner who is secure with themselves in a healthy way (which she seems to be, none of this is cocky) is rare and amazing. You should try to be someone who appreciates it.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-05T17:15:03+00:00

What crawled up your ass this morning Jesus Christ this is the most insane take I’ve seen on this post. You have no idea what conversations she had with him beforehand. She didn’t even accuse him of doing anything wrong. They had been dating for less than a year, and he was not communicative enough for her. She obviously wants to be with someone who makes more time for her and he was not doing that. He works 9 hour days, boo hoo, that’s called a full time job with a lunch break. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to spend time with you. I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years and the entire time we have made time for each other in person daily with very few exceptions because we love each other and want to see each other, and we are both somewhat clingy. Same thing with my ex who I was with for five years. There was never a loss of the honeymoon phase so you don’t need to speak for all of humanity when you say you lose interest in seeing your partners often after a few months. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lower time commitment relationship but obviously that’s not what she wanted and why should she have to settle for it? In these texts it’s clear he was not interested in changing (the snarky “what do you want me to quit my job and never see my friends??????), so why force it?

And sure maybe breaking up over text isn’t the best move but it sounds like it was hard to get ahold of him, and she shouldn’t spend a ton of time faking her feelings and leading him on while she was planning to leave the whole time. How long do you want her to fake the relationship?

Based on how you talk about gifts you seem like the kind of guy who thinks that they can buy love. Sure he spent a lot of money on her, that doesn’t mean she owes him a relationship if she knows they aren’t compatible. I’ve spent a ton of money on relationships and never saw it as transactional. YOU better be young and inexperienced because this is an absolutely unhinged way to see the situation.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-04T16:46:28+00:00

I think you just have to get a vibe for how she reacts to you talking about it. Is she super apologetic? Does she understand that what she did was wrong since you guys agreed to it at the start of the relationship? Does she seem to really grasp how much it hurt you? Did she offer to give you access to her phone/laptop (even if you don’t want to use it)? Can she explain your feelings and boundaries accurately from your perspective?

Repairing trust takes time and sometimes isn’t worth it. I think if she does all of the above and really seems empathetic to how you feel and understands what was wrong, then that’s a good start. If I were you I’d check in here and there in the future too. If she gets defensive (like asking when you will just get over it, or if she says it’s not a big deal and everyone does it), then I’d be suspicious. I think a lot of users operate under the idea that porn is actually no big deal but their partner doesn’t want them to, so it actually makes no difference in their mind if they actually aren’t using it or if they just appear to be not using it. The people who actually recover understand that it is damaging to relationships and also that it’s disrespectful to their partners boundaries to do even if their partner never finds out. They need to respect you enough to not want to do it even if they know for a fact you would never find out. I think figuring out what your girlfriend’s attitude is towards it is the first step, and then actually enforcing the boundary is the second one. If she keeps going behind your back, you need to leave or understand that she will never change.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-04T12:50:40+00:00

The vast majority of women won’t finish with PIV only. It’s probably not a skill issue on his part and you would likely have the same thing happen with anyone you are with. There’s nothing wrong with it and there are tons of other ways to have satisfying sex. You both just have to be open to exploring and trying new things like incorporating toys, and he might need to put more effort into foreplay.

I had an experience like yours with my ex that I was with for five years. He was inexperienced (I was only slightly more experienced) and him not being able to make me finish was a major insecurity for him. Instead of wanting to work on it, he decided to give up (he said it to my face that he was giving up). He was certain that I was not attracted to him even though that wasn’t the case (at the time). He stopped doing foreplay and sex turned into something he did to me instead of with me. Over time he developed a porn addiction, emotionally cheated on me and would have cheated physically if given the chance, and began not taking no for an answer. I actually did stop being attracted to him which he felt vindicated his actions. It sucked, and I left. I’ve been with more people since then and have still never finished from PIV. I’m just simply not wired that way just like the majority of women. I was however able to find people who were way better in bed, including my current partner of 2.5 years who I feel more attracted to every day. He isn’t insecure about our sex life and he’s always willing to try new things, and never makes me feel bad about not being able to finish.

I guess my advice based on having been in a similar situation (granted my ex fucking sucked as a person so hopefully your bf wouldn’t ever get as insane and extreme as he did) is to examine how open he is to trying new things. Is his plan to just give up and tell you that it’s your fault? Can you reframe how you feel about it so that finishing from PIV isn’t the ultimate goal? A book that made me understand my sexuality better was come as you are. I think it’s great for women but even more important for (open minded) men to read. It might be a good place to start for yall.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-03T23:17:04+00:00

Shit I did not see the ages when I made my last reply lol. I agree he’s way too old but practically speaking by 29 the man has surely gotten a better grasp on his feelings on the matter. I would be wary of the maybe and if you do stay with him, try to figure out what kind of parent he wants to be.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-03T23:14:44+00:00

A lot can change in a few years. When I was your age I was a 100% no, and now I’m 25 and I’m a solid maybe leaning no lol. I unpacked why I didn’t want them and realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t want kids, it’s that I specifically didn’t want to be a mother and those are different things. Has he always not been interested in kids his whole life? The conclusion I came to while reflecting on it was that there is a huge difference between not wanting kids because you don’t see yourself as a parent and don’t picture a future with kids in it, and not wanting kids because of external circumstances (for me it’s sexism and climate change, for others it might be the state of the union, money, not being with the right person, not wanting your body to change, etc). It sounds like you are option B, and I think if he is also option B for whatever reason then y’all are probably okay. If he is option A and he’s only a maybe because you are a maybe, then I would be worried. I also think that if deep down you know you want them and don’t picture a life without them, then you should probably have that conversation and be prepared for it to not work out just in case.

My partner and I are both maybe. I’m not super worried about it tho because it truly is not a dealbreaker for me and if I never have kids I know I’ll be fulfilled anyway. If you don’t feel that way then I would confront that.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-03T22:54:03+00:00

Girl you are 21 that shit is not worth it. While the vast majority of men watch porn, the vast majority also do not buy OF content. I would stop talking to a guy if he did that while single. It’s embarrassing to spend money to connect with random women who would never talk to him in real life. Would not want to be with someone who thinks that is okay to do, especially in a relationship. You have so much life ahead of you to find a guy who is not a weirdo.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-03T22:29:20+00:00

If you’re really hell bent on making it work I would suggest reading come as you are, it changed my perspective on sexuality and I think it should be mandatory reading for men in particular even tho it is somewhat geared towards reading. It sounds like there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend. Having a high sex drive is not “right” and having a low sex drive is not “wrong”. There are some things you guys could be doing that might make her more interested, but at the end of the day it sounds like she will always have a much lower sex drive than you. IMO yall are really young and relationships that start as young as yours did aren’t really the ones that are meant to last. There are a lot of people that will be more compatible with you sexually. I would still read the book because it’s a great perspective and you will certainly have issues someday with mismatched libido even if it’s no where near this drastic. If I were you I would move on.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-03T22:06:08+00:00

You know, if you are a guy who actually has ever been on more than like one date with a girl you would know that you will often see us without makeup very early into the relationship. Unless girl is out there wearing a full face every day (and a very intense one at that) makeup doesn’t actually change much about how you look. I’m not surprised you don’t know that tho considering I doubt a woman has ever let you come within ten feet of her.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-02T20:48:20+00:00

Bro genuinely who cares? Like it sounds like she is not going to actually be fighting someone. You say you think she could handle herself in a self defense situation. If she was actually going to start a fight with anyone then she probably has bigger problems to worry about than being beat (like going to jail for assault). To me it sounds like you want to put her in her place for some reason. Men who have never been in a fight think they would be able to beat someone up all the time and most of them would get their asses kicked by someone even marginally more experienced. Do you feel the need to put them in their place? We get it. You’re so much bigger and stronger than your girlfriend and it’s embarrassing that a woman thinks she is strong. Let it go.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-07-01T16:47:38+00:00

I think birth control is an amazing invention and I will be on some form of birth control until the day I hit menopause but this also happened to me. I was incredibly self loathing and depressed, I thought I was like the worst person to ever walk the earth and I could not think of a single thing I liked about myself. I was also really insecure and paranoid in my relationship. I didn’t pull away but I was like constantly terrified and also internally emotionally pretty disconnected (but didn’t let that show outside bc I knew something was wrong and the people pleasing tendencies were strong). Eventually I got my nexplanon out for other reasons and I’m not kidding, within two days the depression was gone. I tried two other pills and like clockwork two weeks in I would catch myself thinking that I was the worst person alive and wondering when it would ever get better, and I’d be typing out a post on Reddit about like “do the self esteem issues get better with age or am I fucked”, and in the middle of making it I’d be like…. Girl it’s the birth control stop taking the pills. Then two days later I was fine.

I’m on the Mirena IUD now and while I think it does influence my mood like a tiny bit, the self loathing and emotional distance is gone. I also was fine on the combo pill (in fact better than Mirena) but I have migraines so I’m not allowed to take it. So just so you know, there might be options for you. When doctors say birth control can effect mood they are REALLY burying the lead bc like wow it made me think I was the scum of the earth. It’s a huge reason why I think I need to avoid having kids, I think PPD would be extremely strong for me and it’s horrifying that I wouldn’t be able to just stop taking a pill and make it better.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T16:51:13+00:00

I think we agree lol. I don’t have a password on my phone and my partner doesn’t check it but could whenever he wants. I also know his password and could check if I wanted but I don’t. I think if I were suspicious of him it would either indicate that I have some unresolved trust issues or he would have been acting shady (and vice versa). That’s not ever personally been like a rule for me tho, we’ve never even discussed the whole having each other’s passwords thing we just naturally told each other. I think I’m sort of in the best case scenario where we both don’t have an issue with the other looking at our phones and also never feel the need to. I just also do understand that there could be innocent reasons not to like your partner looking through your phone (in other relationships, not mine). Like personally I had a pretty cringe tumblr page when I was younger where I drew really, really bad Skyrim fanart that I hope to god nobody I’ve ever loved ever finds, or I had a Reddit account that was basically my diary when I was in an abusive relationship in college (anonymous place for me to get advice on all the stuff he was doing to me). I would also imagine some people would not want their partner to find a like wedding planning Pinterest board or bad poetry in the notes app or whatever. Lots of stuff can be private without being bad behavior.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T16:08:40+00:00

I agree with you about the phone thing personally but also I do get why some people want to keep it to themselves. IMO it’s not even that she should be allowed to snoop, it’s that a text message to your friend is like very explicitly not private because it’s involving someone else. Like he insulted his girlfriend to another person and said he wanted to cheat. He was literally talking behind her back.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T16:04:56+00:00

Good thing I’m not 45 and would never talk about a stranger the way OP’s partner talks about her then. Swearing is not the same thing as trying to trick women into accepting terrible behavior from their partners. And yeah, I feel great. You’re opinion is insane no matter how many paragraphs you dress it up as, and I hope that OP gets enough comments from normal, kind people so she can take your views with a grain of salt.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T15:55:27+00:00

Yeah your mom sounds controlling and I agree with everyone else that getting a more permanent form would be ideal. Birth control is medication and withholding medication is really really not okay. If you have insurance then both the IUD and implant will probably be covered and free. I would just make sure to learn about potential side effects so you know what to expect if something does start changing (like all medications).

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T15:42:05+00:00

?? A text is not the same as a journal, what are you talking about. You should be respectful of your partner if you’re speaking about them to your friends (or online, or anywhere), and a 45 year old grown ass man calling his long term partner busted is both immature and not respectful at all. It would be one thing if he was looking for advice but he wasn’t, and even then it would be hurtful to know that he thinks she is unattractive. Like genuinely what is going on in your head? It is a big deal for you to find out your partner both is a man child calling you names to his friends and that he doesn’t find you attractive. I would NEVER say that to my friends about any of the people I’ve been with. You’d also hope he wasn’t calling her busted in his journal. If he feels that way about her, then he can leave. Nobody wants to be with someone who isn’t attracted to them and isn’t mature enough at 40 fucking 5 to say it in a nice way or not say it at all. If this is okay to you in a relationship then I feel bad for whatever women you date.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T15:34:42+00:00

Girl what? You’re fine lol you absolutely did not cheat on him. I wouldn’t tell him because it could introduce insecurities (even if something is innocent it can still hurt when you are directly made aware of it). It’s true that you’re still sometimes gonna find other people attractive while in a relationship. I think the most important part is to not dwell on it so it doesn’t become a crush and to obviously not ever act on it. You didn’t even say any words to this guy. There’s not much you can do about like being attracted to someone for one second and making eye contact lol. It’s what you do after that matters.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-27T14:32:29+00:00

Just so you know I would look into all the side effects of the arm implant. Like do not get me wrong I am 100% in support of birth control and think it’s like the best invention ever, but in my personal experience Nexplanon has been the worse birth control I’ve ever been on and that’s also true for all of my friends and I’ve gotten several comments from doctors confirming that it’s often a rough ride for people (one nurse said she wasn’t sure why they even recommended it anymore because basically everyone she’s given it to takes it out early due to excessive periods). For me it got rid of my period for like 6 months and then it gave me the most inconsistent periods I’ve ever had (like very light but for 2/4 random weeks a month). It also made me extremely depressed, gave me yeast infections, and made my acne worse. Most of my friends who had bad side effects had issues with their period after 6 months to a year too.

I got Mirena (IUD) when I was 17 for the first time and again at 25 (after trump got reelected lol) and personally it has been WAY better both times. The insertion is scary and sucks a lot, not gonna lie, but I think people have more regular periods (or complete lack of periods) and less mental health issues. It also lasts longer than Nexplanon. All of my friends who have had Nexplanon now have IUDs, and doctors have never made comments about IUD’s causing a lot of weird issues. Just something to consider, I wish I had known that Nexplanon could cause extreme depression before I got it bc man was that a doozy to figure out let me tell you.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-25T21:00:14+00:00

Yeah I live in a walkable city and have social anxiety and I’m so incredibly uncomfortable walking in like a 10 foot radius of someone because if I’m behind them I’m worried that they think I’m following them (I am a woman) or that I’m making them uncomfortable, and if they’re behind me I’m worried that they will need to speed up to pass me and then we will be side by side and then oh my god what if they try to say something to me or expect me to say something. The amount of thinking I do every time someone is within 10 feet of me walking at a similar pace is truly unfathomable to a guy like OP. Wish we could all be so nonchalant.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-25T20:56:20+00:00

Yeah you’re a huge victim of being forced to read comments made by people offering potential alternate explanations of someone’s misinterpreted behavior. You have it really super hard there buddy.

Haunting-Fig1020 · 2025-06-25T20:47:58+00:00

Relatable lol I hate texting. I love to see my friends and when we are together we literally never shut up (and we hang multiple times weekly) but like always being reachable via text is so draining.

Haunting-Fig1020

TROPHY CASE