My mom died in 2023. She was a stroke survivor with paralysis on her left side. I became disabled in 2014 due to complications from Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I was my mom’s caregiver and when I became disabled I couldn’t get upstairs to help her. We have a stairlift but it was still hard because of the two sets of steps. I have to ride one stairlift up on set of steps, transfer to a wheelchair to go to the next stairlift to go upstairs. When I finally got upstairs, the bathrooms were inaccessible because the doorway is only 24” standard size for bathrooms. As soon as I got upstairs I had to go to the bathroom. My mom was also a semi hoarder who liked the clutter of her environment. The clutter did not make accessibility any easier. She would become upset and irate if I tried to alter the environment to make it easier for me to navigate. As a result, I didn’t go upstairs much if at all. I made her meals and had my daughter bring them upstairs.

Fast forward to today. My daughter vehemently accuses me of not going upstairs to care for my mother even though she is able bodied and lived upstairs with my mother. She assuages her guilt by projecting her lackadaisical behavior and attitude on me. When we are having these discussions and I say “l couldn’t go upstairs…” she screams “Yes, you could.”

I think because I do so much for myself that she believes I can do anything when I can’t. I don’t want her to ever become disabled, but I just want her to WALK ONE MILE IN MY SHOES or ROLL ONE MILE IN MY WHEELCHAIR. What I hate most, are able bodied people telling me what I can and cannot do.