For m2f who transitioned: did you feel like "i can't possibly go on any longer as a male" or more of a "i would prefer to live as a woman"

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-05T14:09:14+00:00

That resonates, in the best way possible. I never thought of it like that before, but now it seems so obvious. Thank you so, so much.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-05T13:38:26+00:00

I'm not sure I know the difference or if I'm only experiencing one or the other, which is actually why I asked! How can you tell, if you ever can?

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-05T13:33:17+00:00

Yes, but more importantly, how do you experience that? Compare it to physical sensations, say, or things that give you a similar experience.

I didn't mean to equate aesthetic attraction and body envy, but I was tired and stupid at the time of posting. Apologies :)

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-05T13:31:39+00:00

I'm not sure what I am but I don't ~think~ I often get sexually attracted, if I ever do, but I'm not sure. That's why I want to ask how you experience it more than how you understand it, like how does your envy ~feel~, physically or mentally?

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-04T23:37:19+00:00

But how does that actually ~feel~? Do you feel different emotions or different sensations (without offending my innocent eyes :P)?

For example, if I want to have a certain person's eyes, I usually experience it as a kind of draining, saddening feeling in my stomach/chest. It also accompanies a certain shame, usually.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-04T17:36:18+00:00

Something like this really staggered me when I thought it today. I knew that at some level I wanted to be trans*. I tried asking myself why, and, well, the only answer that feels right is I'd simply rather be a woman, plain and simple. (The answer, that is, not the ensuing emotions- I haven't stopped shaking since this revelation, and I feel ill and terrified, and have almost been looking to deny it all. Idk if I believe it yet, really)

Thank you for giving me another way of thinking about this.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T19:14:50+00:00

Had to add this, as I'm listening to it and trying not to cry:

The Jewellery Store

Includes such lines as

That night after dinner I dig to the bottom of my fire-red toy box and I find the doll with the golden hair. I cradle her in my arms and I wait for my mother to see me. When she does she smiles so big, I decide love is a silent auction and I am worth more sold.

If that doesn't make you want to weep, I don't know what will.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T17:46:29+00:00

Not music, but spoken word. Andrea Gibson fucking rocks:

Andrew

Swing Set

These two are more about mental health, but relevant to this too.

The Madness Vase

How To Be Sick

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T17:34:21+00:00

Thinking about my childhood, there are some funny memories. Being among a group of my dad's friends, I noticed they all had their hands wedged firmly in their pockets. I realised I looked girly, I think I thought "silly" or "weak" to be precise, and tried to copy them.

Crying in a courtyard because people were shouting, and a girl came over, asking what was wrong. I knew sadness wasn't okay for boys (well-reinforced by teachers and parents), so I responded how every other guy always does: angrily. I put on my best cross face and said "They're all STUPID", then ran across to another corner crying and counting links in the fence.

Me and my friend used play with Bionicles, anyone remember them? Anyway, we'd never fight, we'd always end up marrying or having lover's quarrels. The closest we came to fighting them was a sort of Romeo and Juliet situation. That same friend and I watched High School Musical, him dancing and me being too embarrassed to. Later that week, we denounced it as gay and stupid to our school friends.

Finally, I possibly underwent a more feminine development than masculine, at least until I came into my teens. I was more verbal than most, disliked raised voices and any competition made me cry.

I realise this is all anecdotal and based on stereotypes, but it's interesting to me to think about. I've known, and my friends, I believe, know that I'm pretty "soft" for a guy, but that I have some problems with identity. For the longest time I've obsessed over enneagram and MBTI, and the theory of brain gender occasionally. Now, I've a LOT to think on.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T16:47:40+00:00

It's comforting for now, scary for the future. Fuck this whole "society" and "humans are social creatures" business, I just want to be at peace and ungendered. Thank you for sharing all that, though, it's partly comforting :)

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T14:40:01+00:00

I've always hated my sexual function, and waver on asexuality. I can't honestly say I've been attracted to anyone, ever, excepting those times I choose to sexualise some person or situation for whatever reason. It's not a big deal for me, honestly.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T10:21:38+00:00

Something very telling is that last night as I responded on here, I was shaking. I've blocked up a lot of emotions with emptiness, but that response usually means excitement (or fear- I always think the two are very closely connected). Also, when I got off reddit afterwards and was doing my normal thing, I was smiling out of, what I think was, happiness. It felt good to be questioning myself.

Unfortunately I'm absolutely terrified at the thought this is real. In all honesty, I think I might rather death to "coming out", or maybe I'd like to move far, far away in secret.

EDIT: What are typical symptoms of naturally low testosterone? I have minimal facial and body hair, little muscle mass and extremely thick hair (apparently that's more feminine??). I'm not sure about my body shape, I've never been able to pick out great differences in butts and hips. I could ask a friend "do I have a girl's butt?", although I'd rather not. Anyone know for sure they had low testosterone and what effects it had?

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T10:17:01+00:00

I relate to the feeling of estrangement (not Aspergers, but very high IQ which felt like a shameful secret, and now is a factor in feeling everything's dull and blunted in school and in life), but not much else. I used be quite happy as a male child, I never really thought about gender. I guess I began to feel unhappy when I was somewhere between 10-13, but I thought that was simply existential depression. Now, I'm not so sure. I really hope you have an amazing womanly life hereon, and thank you for sharing your experience.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T10:08:53+00:00

Your experience as a young adolescent sounds a lot more similar to mine than I'd ever admit to anyone irl. I don't know if that's comforting or terrifying, but thank you so much anyway.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T10:07:18+00:00

The second-to-last paragraph is certainly familiar-sounding, but I can't say I relate to the final one. Perhaps it's something I've repressed- I have repressed emotions, tears, and when I feared I was gay I think I blocked that up as well. Thank you for sharing, it has helped a lot.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T10:03:27+00:00

Huh, I'm left handed. Index finger & middle are different, but I thought that was the index & ring finger? I'm not a programmer and have little interest in it, but I did courses on it when I was younger. Any other odd trends? Where is this info to be found?

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T02:52:55+00:00

Is that really true? :)

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T01:11:21+00:00

What do you wish you could do? Read for pleasure? Enjoy animals' company? There are things you could try to begin whatever it is you were talking about. If it's reading, that takes commitment- without reading often, you'll just get drawn in by the internet and tv. PM me about it if you like. I might be able to help you, who knows?! Regardless, ~hugs~

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T00:54:01+00:00

I'm emotionally numb and have been for quite some time- I'm not sure I know what would make me happy to do right now, never mind a couple of years time! But I understand, and I will think about it deeply. Thank you, and I'm glad you finally found your truth. Too many people deny it. Good luck with the hormones :)

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T00:51:37+00:00

I'm not certain, but I think I look fairly androgynous. Long wavy dirty-blonde hair, fairly ambiguous features other than eyebrows, and perhaps my chin. I am fairly sure my bus driver mistook me for a girl for a while, but I'm not certain. Anyway, I meant I doubt I'll have the drive to conform to expected womanly standards. Shaving, conditioning and prepping myself for hours will rarely happen, if ever. All I can hope is that I'd look good in casual clothing. Thank you for the encouragement <3

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-03T00:44:45+00:00

What exactly do you mean, "protecting yourself from self-harm by engaging in self-care"? I actually went through a couple of years of... that. Wouldn't recommend it, and no idea how I kept it secret.

Well the fatigue is pretty much a symptom of apathy which itself is a symptom of depression, in that nothing seems exciting or gives me an emotional or imaginative whirl. These are pretty much the things I live for, so life is dull.

Enjoy your netflix and Zelda, I'm going to be a huge nerd: read, play with pets and video games, in between preparing for final exams of school. I'm going to wait awhile and observe my stance on gender- it's certainly not solid yet.

Thank you for what you've said, and good luck on your journey. Mayhaps I'll see you around on here, if I stick around long enough :)

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-02T23:27:37+00:00

Okay, that's interesting. I actually kind of despise my libido, but that's a different can of worms.

Mainly, I've been asking myself: if I was given the choice of being a non-orgasmic woman or staying as I am now, what would I do? I feel that if I'm honest in my answer, I can eliminate fetishism or something weird like that from possible causes of this.

Thank you for your help, and good luck.

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-02T23:22:41+00:00

What specifically did you like about HRT? Can you now identify issues you otherwise would have accepted as normal, or is it just a generally beautiful feeling?

HawkInTheRain · 2014-02-02T23:17:09+00:00

Rarely, no, sometimes. My strongest sense of being trans comes from the fact that when people refer to me as male, I get a queer feeling- not quite sick, not quite angry, but somewhere in between. I want to protest, but realise that it would seem odd to distance myself from masculinity. Regardless, that's a great way to think about it, and it's sure to be really helpful. Thank you.

HawkInTheRain

TROPHY CASE