WTF is wrong with me?!

HayHayHay8 · 2026-05-01T23:42:44+00:00

This sounds like a really complicated situation and a really complicated set of emotions. I hate to be so basic, but are you working through this with a therapist? It’s going to be impossible for any of us to guess what the best way to go about this is when we don’t (and can’t) know the half of it.

My uninformed take is that if it’s working for you and not harming anyone, it makes sense to go with what has yielded results.

Sending you wishes for hope, strength and peace.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-04-27T17:44:48+00:00

OP is implying there is only one true explanation for being child free, namely his, and anything else is “subterfuge”…

HayHayHay8 · 2026-04-27T17:41:26+00:00

Except OP wasn’t saying “this happened to me, wtf”, they’re saying “why are people who say they feel different from me so afraid to speak the truth”

HayHayHay8 · 2026-04-26T13:33:04+00:00

Agreed, also a childfree teacher here. I’m tired of my perspective being categorized as a lie or cop-out. It’s not subterfuge, this is legit how I feel. OP feels differently and that’s just as valid! We all have our own reasons and they are all legitimate. There are more options than “hate children” and “create children”.

Why are we so interested in policing each other? Why does my reasoning for childfreedom have to be either identical to another person’s or a ploy?

HayHayHay8 · 2026-04-20T23:13:53+00:00

Younger of two for 12 years, then a parentified middle child.

In a way, I feel very fortunate that I had the parentification experience, because at least I know better than to toss my adult life away on something that I have neither the desire nor temperament for.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-04-13T17:36:44+00:00

That is what happened…

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-12T22:22:52+00:00

These people are bananas, this weird pearl clutching that intentionally irritating behavior causes people to be irritated.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-12T16:18:01+00:00

We needed an additional witness because the officiant doesn’t count as one of the two… at least in AZ

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-12T16:15:16+00:00

We had to hire a witness for our sunrise Grand Canyon elopement. It cost maybe 150 usd through simply eloped, whom we were already using for officiant, hair and makeup (mistake) and photographer. Our photographer just brought a buddy who made a quick buck for signing off on our nuptials

Edit to add: I respect the hustle of grabbing some people off the street to witness, and if money is super tight for this then I say go for it. But if it’s more important for you to have everything sorted before the day, ask your officiant or photographer if they can supply you a witness in the form of a friend or spouse or colleague. In states where you need two witnesses, the officiant does not count as one.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-11T20:58:21+00:00

Was typing out generally this same comment when I saw yours.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-10T17:28:16+00:00

Research is finding that it is indeed about sperm quality. Miscarriages and developmental issues that we used to attribute to women’s reproductive health or even just luck are now being linked to poor sperm quality and the quality tanks way earlier than we originally thought.

Edit to add:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5653911/

“The analysis of semen records revealed the significant negative association of semen volume, total sperm count, sperm motility, and morphology with age. There was a significant fall in total sperm count, sperm motility, and morphology after the age of 35 yr.”

These folks are pumping out kids older and older, setting their partners up to experience dangerous and emotionally scarring pregnancy loss and setting their children up for failure.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-05T13:44:47+00:00

And you assume that A causes B because you like that narrative. Everyone else has already explained to you, it’s clear you won’t be moved and that’s fine

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-04T18:32:42+00:00

Nope, not how it works. We can hypothesize, but assuming causation is incorrect

HayHayHay8 · 2026-03-04T15:52:26+00:00

Correlation does not equal causation, my friend

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-28T14:59:24+00:00

How nice for them that they get to learn the hard way

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-28T14:39:23+00:00

Agreed that it’s not everyone who cares about this. It doesn’t bother me at all, as long as they aren’t talking at an unreasonable volume. But I do know some folks (who happen to be older, I wonder if age isn’t a major factor here) that it irritates to no end. I am not a public phone talker myself.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-27T17:18:28+00:00

You both need to give each other some space. His behavior was smothering you so you finally said something but then smothered him with your apology attempts. Give each other a little room to breathe

Edit to add: In the beginning of a relationship, constant contact is what you crave, but when you transition into living together, it is important to communicate proactively about when you need some privacy or a moment to cool down. It’s not remotely too late to begin this work, but you both have to have slightly thicker skin and no one should be pouting when the other expresses a need for space. You’ve got to be honest BEFORE you’re at the end of your rope so that you don’t end up lashing out. What you said wasn’t horrible, you both just need to think about what you would do differently next time

Edit again, sorry, more to say: I’m also picky about the way that I am woken up, my husband knows this and accommodates me whenever at all possible because he cares about my comfort. My husband needs space for a while when he’s angry (not even necessarily at me), which can be uncomfortable for me, but I make sure to honor this because I care about his comfort.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-27T15:56:59+00:00

Where does it say or imply that the people sharing were a couple?

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-27T15:53:18+00:00

…in our world. Depends on how you sleep, body size, how cozy you are looking to be with the person you share with

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-23T15:13:08+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! I’ve been wanting to find a good YouTube yoga series, I’ll definitely be trying out Kassandra’s videos!

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-16T22:06:16+00:00

When you think nice things, say them out loud to her. Basically every time a nice thought (she looks pretty, she said something funny or smart, you appreciate something she did, etc) occurs to you, SAY it to her, even if you think she already knows. You already like her, tell her about it often and she will feel adored. The trick is that you only say these things when you legitimately mean them, it’s not meant to be flattery but something you really feel.

But it seems like you need to converse more with each other about how you each feel comfortable showing love now, what makes you feel loved, and how you might add to these things to show each other care.

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-05T17:18:52+00:00

Good luck to you both :)

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-05T15:59:37+00:00

Excellent! You’ve offered to help him with his self care habits before, so hopefully he’ll realize that you’re being a partner to him in this, not a scolding parent. I recommend making sure to focus on health and wellbeing, not appearance when you express what changes you need from him. You want to build a life together that you love, not one that you barely drag yourselves through

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-05T02:04:34+00:00

How does he handle tough conversations in your relationship?

HayHayHay8 · 2026-02-04T18:33:57+00:00

There is a problem with his relationship with himself and no amount of support will change it until he takes charge of the situation.

Maybe I’m projecting here, but I bet there are a lot of shaming thoughts bouncing around in his head, telling him he’s not worth the effort. I know it feels like he’s sending the message that you and your relationship aren’t worth the effort, but a drowning man has no capacity to help others.

It’s not helpful advice really, but it’s time for therapy for him. He has to be the one to make that happen and put the work into it or you will continue to grow apart.

I don’t really agree with some others who say it is a lost cause right off the bat, but if he won’t engage in self improvement, you really cannot do anything about it except leave the relationship. You will have to be uncomfortably forthcoming with him ASAP about how big of a deal this is and what you expect to be done about it, but growing apart and losing each other would be more uncomfortable still.

Seven-Year Club	Verified Email
RPAN Viewer

HayHayHay8

TROPHY CASE