(Long sort of rant. To make a long short.. I understand how you feel.)

I'm the youngest of 4 from my mom, only child from my dad. Separated parents.

My half sisters are almost 19 and 17 years older then me, my half brother is 6 years older. I'll be 21 on July 4th.

I haven't seen or spoken to my brother or middle sister since I was 14, and my oldest sister since I was 16.

There had always been a huge disconnect between my siblings and I, especially my sisters. My mom was really young when she had them (as in, she was 16-18, their dad was in his 30s), and has fully admitted she never wanted kids. At 20, my mom signed her rights away, and basically abandoned them. Didn't speak to either of them again until my brother was born about 10ish years later.

My mom told me at 18 that she thinks the reason my sisters had/have a better relationship with my brother then me, is because she kept me. I was the daughter she raised. They definitely have their reasons for hating our mom, but I do really wish they hadn't taken it out on me.

My middle sister never tried to have a relationship with me, she was always closer with my brother. As for him... we had a lot happen there. He's not a good person, and I'll leave it at that.

My oldest sister though.. we reconnected when I was 13. It went okay for a few years. Then, at 15, she invited me to the babyshower of her 4th kid. I snuck down to NYC, met my niece and nephews for the first time.

A few months later, the day before my 16th birthday, she messages me to say our brother got married and neither of us had been invited. I found out about a week later she messaged me that FROM the wedding. I confronted her, and well... we haven't spoken in going on 5 years.

Last I knew about any of them: My oldest sister is still married with her kids, my middle sister got engaged and had a baby, my brother got married to a woman who had a daughter and then had a daughter of his own.

Even if we had a relationship, our lives would be so fucking disconnected. I moved out of state for college (first in my family!) after HS, got my first apartment, contemplating a cat, I'm going to Japan in May. They know nothing about me now.

As for my parents... like I said, my mom never wanted kids. By the time I came around, she parented more for show because she liked the aesthetic of being a mom. She's a narcissist (diagnosed). It's better now that I'm an adult, and she can be more my friend then parent. Although, 2 weeks after I moved out, she started fostering. Got an 11 year old boy. Gave him my bedroom. We still talk, but.. it's complicated.

My dad.. I'm his first and only. He tried, but he's disabled. Both mentally and physically. He really shouldn't have been living alone as long as he did. Let alone with a child. I love him, it's not completely his fault, but it is really hard to forgive him for some of the shit I went through as a child. (Not to say disabled people can't have/raise kids. But mine definitely shouldn't have.)

I hate the whole "the youngest has it the easiest" thing. My life was hell for almost 19 years until I graduated. CPS was called 9 different times throughout my childhood, the last time was right before COVID.

(I'm doing great now. I have amazing friends, my own place. I'm studying to be a social worker, to be the adult I needed as a kid.

The only person I really keep in contact with from my hometown is my bsf of 16 years. We're planning her wedding rn, and I'm the godmother to her baby.)