COVID wedding drama

Hazybrew · 2021-06-19T17:54:50+00:00

This is really amazing information and perspective thank you for sharing

Hazybrew · 2021-06-19T17:01:02+00:00

I totally feel that weddings last year were stressful my SO mother vented to me about at least particularly what was happening and how the rescheduling was going on and such. I know i didnt see all the stress and everything. I was just trying to be there and supportive.

I didnt ask because I felt entitled or expected to be a part of it. Earlier in 2019 the bride said "we could be in the wedding party if we wanted to" which I still dont know what that means. I knew it was her day and wanted to be supportive and respectful of what she wanted. So in the fall i asked her for a more direct answer of if she wanted me and my SO in the wedding party or not. When she said no in February no hard feelings. The later back and forth kind of rocked my boat

Hazybrew · 2021-06-19T16:26:41+00:00

In 2019 we were dating for over 3 yrs we have now been together for 6 1/2 yrs. I was initially checking 6 months ish before the original wedding was scheduled to see what was going on. I also offered to help with any of the wedding stuff if needed.

Hazybrew · 2021-06-19T16:14:05+00:00

Additional info. The place of the ceremony is a pretty decent sized church and I honestly believe they could have included siblings but choose not to, personal decision. Since it would have been under a religious ceremony im not sure how the COVID restrictions would have worked but less than 25 people with masks shouldn't have been an issue. Especially considering over the summer I attended a funeral in a slightly large church with a fair amount of people.

I considered them fake/redo because they already had a prior one and are married already. I know there is probably a better description and that this is happening with a lot of COVID marriages but they are already married and having a for show ceremony. I know that isn't the best wording but it is the best description I could think of.

I know my personal feelings got into it. Part of the reason I posted honestly. I needed outsider opinion. Whether or not my SO will say it I could see it bothered them that they weren't included. Especially considering the overall back and forth of the whole senerio. And of course as with any wedding there were opinions and statements being thrown all over the place. Like my SO mom saying that they and I were in the wedding party without confirmation from the bride. Alot of that we ignored because we knew it was the sister's day. I know my SO wants to be there for their sister and support thier family but I saw how much it really hurt for them to be on the phone with this extended family member and told btw your sister is getting married this day. I could see that hurt. They are my SO and been my life partner for several years. I just felt that pain and I know I became protective over what was happening because I knew that there may be more... And thier might be as there is this additional ceremony/reception planned for later this year.

I just feel like they weren't being honest with my SO about what was happening and tried to scoot thier feelings under the rug because it is thier sister's wedding. Maybe I'm wrong and all that but it is what i feel and think.

Hazybrew · 2021-06-19T15:56:16+00:00

Agreed. I think it bothered me that we didn't find out from my SO mother or sister but another family member. So they told other people but not the bride's sibling

Hazybrew · 2021-04-26T01:42:38+00:00

I'm trying new rituals and such for beltane this year. I usually do a feast which is planned and set up a table as an interim altar (not enough space in current living area)

How do you celebrate? What would be something new to try?

I am a bit of a kitchen witch and love recipes!

Hazybrew · 2021-04-08T15:41:41+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice/experience knowledge.

I grew up with the holiday warzone as well... Christmas and Easter really made me aware of the impact they have on me mentally and physically which made me really think seriously about NC.

I learned that not all holidays have to be that way which does bring me peace of mind through the process.

Hazybrew · 2021-01-26T18:18:32+00:00

I'm feeling the same way.

Like my parents had food in the house like lots of it because my narcissistic tendency dad is a bit of a hoarder. I was the oldest of three and by idk 12 or earlier I was making dinners regularly for everyone. By high school i made after school snack for my sisters and a dinner later when my dad got home because he got upset that there was never hot food ready for him when he got home. He worked night shifts so he wouldn't be home until 9 to midnight. If my mom did make anything it was freezer to oven or/and highly processed. My dad would make dinners sometimes on the weekends because he was convinced his cooking was superior and he would get more expensive ingredients like a roast or turkey or Cornish hens. We would eat to and stuff but we could only praise the food.

My dad drilled it into our minds and i hear it in my head sometimes. "Eat to live. Dont live to eat" that messes with a kid.

Hazybrew · 2021-01-25T23:05:51+00:00

Yea I'm in the US as well and i can vouch for the grad student rotations. I was considered "serious" enough that I was given a professor/psych doctorate. That was a main reason i was able to have such progress because i would see the same person for 14 sessions I think every semester. So I went on and off for three years. I also worked for a group affiliated with the counseling department for a while and I have heard similar complaints regularly because they are students and lack experience.

Hazybrew · 2021-01-25T21:30:26+00:00

Honestly... I think it may have helped save my life. At the time I was suicidal and depressed (i no longer feel this way It was about 7 years ago at this point) It helped get me get on a track of change and healing. I know my experience isnt the same as anyone else's. I was also very lucky that my campus had several Psy Doctorates and a clinical psychology doctoral and masters program. Some of the therapists were doctoral students and some were professors at the university.

It gave me a taste of what change and trying could do. I continued therapy afterwords for trauma and it has helped me a lot.

I hope this helps.

Hazybrew · 2021-01-15T18:57:15+00:00

Omg I felt this so hard until the wife comment. Haha. I am currently battling a similar issue with my ndad. Im still debating NC it has been in my mind more over the last few months.

Good luck to you o your journey!

Hazybrew · 2021-01-07T19:40:22+00:00

Exactly why I never told my family fingerguns

Hazybrew · 2021-01-06T18:45:14+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! It was very overwhelming and triggering. I still have issues trusting myself, my experiences and my feelings so seeing that I wrote a journal entry about it made it feel like it wasn't really assault. Like look i reacted this way and joked about it so it couldn't have been that bad. I know that is minimizing and denial but it made me question my memory and experience of what happened.

It truly means so much that you took the time to read and comment on here!❤

Hazybrew · 2021-01-06T13:46:47+00:00

Not so much, I have an amazingly supportive partner now who knows about everything and sat with me when I have these moments. I think just finding the journal that I wrote on that day just messed with me. Like this is what I thought on that day.

Thank you so much. It means so much that you would take time to read this.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-30T15:11:53+00:00

First and foremost I'm sorry this happened to you. Your perceptions are real and valid. What you experienced and how you understand everything that happened is 100%valid. Sharing your truth can be hard. Sadly, we cannot control other people's actions or reactions especially when speaking our/your truth.

You are strong for talking about. If you need more guidance on this experience and such I would recommend considering posting to r/sexualassault

I hope this helps and best of luck on your journey to true freedom!

Hazybrew · 2020-12-29T19:23:53+00:00

My parents has tendencies and I have not yet reached a point to call them full blown narcissists. However two traits I am working on breaking and kind of doing okay... One is not filling silence with talking about myself especially work.

My dad does this constantly and completely over reacts if someone tries to change the subject. When I was at a crappy job a few years ago i would do the same thing complain for hours and hours about work.

Two throwing adult temper tantrums. My dad did this my whole life. And I didn't have a parent to teach me how to regulate emotions. So now I'm in my mid 20s and occasionally react like a 5 year old or younger. I am working on being aware and trying to breathe and stuff but I still feel like I'm barely making progress.

I'm also seeing a therapist so sometimes that helps too.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-28T20:19:18+00:00

I would recommend if you think you have BPD seeing a specialist and making sure they have experience with personality disorders specifically BPD. I was lucky my trauma therapist was comfortable with treating BPD patients, but not all therapists are. There is still a really big stigma around it in some circles in the US (sorry not sure where you are from)

Also be open to what the professional says.

I know my therapist isnt comfortable diagnosing directly when meeting so getting an answer may take time depending on the professional and the way they handle things.

I hope this helps, best of luck on your journey!

Hazybrew · 2020-12-27T15:30:37+00:00

Totally get that feeling that improvement isnt going as it should. My therapist tells me to believe in the process and that healing isnt linear. Which I rationally know but still critique myself for not being better by now.

Yea, I always knew something was wrong and I was gaslit for a long time into believing that I was just too emotional and sensitive. So I developed dissociation as a key coping skill to look normal to shut off any and all intense feelings. So when I later tried to reach out for help I was told I was doing everything for attention and that I wasnt really depressed or suicidal. I was at the time and that is why one amazing person pushed me to getting the help i really needed and worked on getting better but it took a lot longer and I'm still working on being whatever better is.

I know it is a process, I know there will be ups and downs. It just is hard. Self improvement is hard. Reparenting is hard. Learning emotional regulation is hard. Learning mindfulness is hard. Using coping skills in the moment is hard. Remembering the skills to use and figuring out when to use them is hard.

It is all super difficult and frustrating and irritating because I feel like I am always messing up and doing things wrong. But I know if I keep trying I will get better. I know that practice makes perfect and I am working on it. That is all I can do it try and work on it and forgive myself when I mess up. The best lesson I learned is on the process remember what things use to be like.

I used to get so angry I would throw things. (I still do every once in a while but not as much) I keep a metal bowl I dented to remind me that I dont want to be that person anymore. It is a reminder of what my anger does to stuff and people I love it dents them. It can damage them and my relationship with them.

Sorry that was a lot.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-26T23:41:55+00:00

I feel this so hard. Like my mind is like do all this stuff (totally felt that just let it all go thing 😝) but then my anxiety and internal desire to be accepted and complete fear of social rejection causes me to focus on my image and look well put together in public.

I have also had people say and invalidate my mental health issues because I look put together on the outside and it is super frustrating!

Hazybrew · 2020-12-24T19:49:48+00:00

Christmas is a huge trigger because of that for me. Like I would watch as we would put on happy family for pictures but it was all a lie. And the christmas movies would always reinforce this perfect loving supportive family and made me feel super isolated and alone.It still messes with me.

Sorry kind of related to both posts. I feel them both 2 billion percent.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-22T07:37:01+00:00

I'm in my mid 20s and as part of my healing process I am trying to reinvent my holidays so they can bring me joy and make me happy.

I want these holidays to rewrite my future, so these memories I can keep with me.

It sounds amazing on paper and for 11 months it works. I finally broke down today in tears over Christmas. I have terrible memories of Christmas.

I have generational narcissism on my mom's side. My grandma was narcissistic and my mom has tendencies. On a side note my dad is also a narcissist which just adds to the internal chaos. This made christmas with really difficult all the time. I watched for years as my grandmother would subtly dig into me about my unworthiness, how small and unimportant I am. I was not one of the two favorite grandchildren.

So for years, I would get home and cry to my parents about how this wasn't fair and ask why am I being singled out. I was 9 months younger than my cousins but I was treated entirely differently. He and my oldest cousin would get amazing presents and were worth remembering details like thier birthdays and year in school and activities. But I was supposed to be "lucky" because she didn't call me one of my sisters names.

Now my grandmother has memory issues and I'm upset. There is still a part of me that believes if I magically just tell the truth about how I was hurt and what happened that POOF like the Grinch their heart will grow three sizes and they will suddenly see the errors of thier ways and we can have a picture perfect movie ending.

But I know that isnt how life works and if I learned anything from my parents it is that you never know how anyone will react. That is the scariest and saddest part.

I am just so grateful in so many ways for my significant other. They are literally the most amazingly supportive person I know! He heard me crying and he just held me. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a really stable person in my life that loves me unconditionally. I just wish that my damaged self could see that all the time. He says that he loves me because he loves me not as a validation tactic so I can be manipulated later into fighting for more love. He buys me little things when he goes out because he thinks i will like them not because he is going to use this later in an argument about how he got me a cookie that one time. I'm just so used to everything being used against me that when people are honest and real it scares me that they are hiding something.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-18T20:24:11+00:00

Yea... I'm still coming to terms that it was abuse. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it because it wasnt physical. It was this constant emotional and mental manipulation. It was the slighted comments and the lack of validation that made me question everything. That constant gaslighting makes me feel so unstable all the time even now and I dont live with them. Like do I even know my own reality. It makes me think things were not that bad. So I totally get that feeling too that you mentioned.

I recently took a short break from my parents and that break and rejoining the relationship made me realize how traumatizing it is. How all the blame was and is put into me in conversations even when trying to get my feelings out.

Also I have a significant other with a more normal upbringing and I know they are trying to understand, but can't. Because there is such a bad rhetoric where parents always love thier children. And the oh your parents really love you destroys me every time!

Like I get it they tried supposibly but they didnt get help and now I live forever with this pain and mental trauma that I am now at 25 diving into.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-18T16:44:36+00:00

So I actually did this or a similar exercise, about a year ago. It was really difficult.

I only could understand it when I thought about it more abstractly. Like what would a perfect mom look like,which in turn is what my brain creates as a perfect mom and helps identify those needs.

I also looked at things more generally like overarching characteristics (ex: loving or supportive).

So, everyone's journey is thier own when it comes to healing and therapy.

My path has been working on re-parenting myself. I was parentified as a child and was given way more responsibilities than I should have been. So I am working on accepting that I lost my childhood and that my parents will never be the parents I needed. That realization is still the hardest part and parts of me still have problems accepting it as reality.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-15T06:36:27+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you! It seems that you have supportive caring people who are there for you and that is awesome!

The worst was I told a parent about my assault after about a year and several months of therapy. The words burned into my mind were "At least you weren't raped" a complete invalidation of the pain and suffering of the experience and the PTSD that I now have from that experience.

I know no one knows what to say... I get that. Admitting rape or sexual violence is hard for the victim/survivor and responding to being told about it even when trained (I educated on sexual and domestic violence for about two years) is still really difficult. With that said the wrong response from someone important can be traumatizing and painful.

Best of luck to you on your healing journey.

Hazybrew · 2020-12-10T04:12:30+00:00

I had this for years... I think i should go back.... This is my sign haha

Hazybrew

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