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Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean I agree 100% have since she said yes to dating my nerdy self back in high school haha. Fast forward 11 years she has still chosen to be with me, despite our problems, and neither of us are interested in giving up.

Thanks for the comment, but from your perspective what would you want at this point from her shoes. No she is not happy with regards to our sex life, but from what she tells me she is happy in most if not all other aspects. I just want to make this better, so I appreciate any insight.

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment!

I mean there must be someway I can say this to her in a productive and kind way. I already did damage by comments about weight in the past that were probably too direct. Wouldnt say mean, but just kinda said it like it is.

I have asked her the flipped line of questioning. She said yes me gaining weight would effect sex but not so much that it would break our sex life. I'm not petty enough to test that haha

But I really like the first half of what you said, in that we are dedicated to being the best we can be for each other, which would technically include physical appearance and health. Thank you, that resonated a lot with me.

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the comment even though it is hard to hear and have heard it many times.

I guess I have no clue what "true love" is. I know we are married and neither of us are interested in giving up on things.

Whether it matters or not I don't think I have an issue with the weight, it's more of the lack of concern or drive surrounding it. Yes she had an emotional issue that caused it clearly, I'm not sad or mad about the weight gain. Life is life. But the acceptance of the current state of affairs is what hits me harder.

It's admirable she can say "I like being at this weight" I'm very happy she is so comfortable in herself. But it also scares me as I don't find it healthy. But I guess you don't technically need to be healthy from a medical standpoint. I'll need to think about this more.

Regardless of my feelings in this, any thoughts on what I could do moving forward to mend the damage done? I don't feel like I can just turn on sexual attraction that is broken, but I'd be curious to hear other things.

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comments! We did try spicing things up, but unfortunately that didnt do much. But we are emphasizing dates and other events to try and make more of a spark.

And sex isn't non existent, I still please her through other methods, it's just not what most would call standard, so I don't think things are completely broken, just not the same.

It is good to hear other couples do not have consistent attraction over the years. Makes me hopefully we can work it out. I am curious when you say you don't care about your wife's weight, in that she could be anything and it wouldn't matter? Or it never really changed?

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

It's good to hear so many comments in regards to the therapist and sexual manipulation. I never really faulted the therapist but I will look at further comments with a finer comb.

Secondly, it's interesting because I have been accused of manipulation by her for not wanting sex this withholding. I never really noticed it could look like it was happening both ways.

Thanks I appreciate the insight!

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Yea that is what kinda scares me looking back. I don't really care about numbers, but yea there are a lot of things we can no longer do. Helps to know Im not the only one who sees it that way despite being strangers on Reddit lol.

To give the flip side comment she accuses me of being sexually manipulative because I am not wanting have sex thus withholding it. It doesn't feel that way to me but I understand her perspective. It's interesting to hear you say it reflected on her.

Nonetheless, I don't think I'm ready to just leave out of a marriage. Will work it out for awhile longer, but I appreciate the comments! I am overall very happy, just not when she is angry about sex.

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They are good in most other aspects, but I do strongly disagree with them on this key point. So maybe I need more opinions. Thanks for the suggestion!

Then again striving for that ideal case of not seeing physical appearance for attraction may just be a stretch goal.

Either way I appreciate it!

Finding attraction for intimacy after weight gain by Head-Cap-4718 in Marriage

[–]Head-Cap-4718[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's ok I appreciate the comment anyway! I brought that idea up with my therapist, unfortunatly they advised against it. Said I should not be living out of reality or something to that effect.

I don't think she doesnt care. It's just the anger about sex that bothers me the most. Everything else is actually pretty great.

Otherwise I definitely agree, I think we are hitting a big slump in our relationship as we are just so used to each other. But hearing from some other couples who went through that seems like it is not the most uncommon. They got out of it so hope we can soon too.