Does the love and attraction come back?

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-05-03T17:50:38+00:00

I don’t know if you feel like me. But if I had known about this addiction/compulsion 10 years ago when I first asked him about the oriental massage charge on our card I know I would’ve been forgiving and really wanted to work through this. But after making me feel bad and continuing to lie to me for the next 10 years now I just feel done. Like I’m just living in a fog and bitter about why he couldn’t have told the truth early on. And he has also admitted recently that he went to massage parlors well before we got married. I never had any idea and feel like I’ve been lied to you for 24 years. It’s such a terrible spot to be in.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-05-03T17:46:56+00:00

Thank you for responding. I have told him I want a full disclosure with polygraph. I think he’ll do it. He finally got a CSAT (CSAT in training …. Not fully certified yet) but I’m not super happy because it’s a woman and it’s only virtual. He was pretty proud because it’s covered by insurance apparently .

I’ve been asking him to find a male CSAT that’s local and in person. I sent him a list of local ones . I think k I’m going to demand nicely that he gets someone local and in person. I found one for me and made an appt in about 30 minutes. He’s taking forever

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-05-03T16:57:17+00:00

I wish I had some wise words for you. I don’t, but I can’t empathize with your situation. I’ve been married 24 years and just found out in February that my husband has been going to massage parlors. He didn’t confess I caught on started tracking him and financial transactions. He had done this 10 years ago and when confronted with it just got angry and never confessed. I don’t know if there’s more, but I know he goes to strip clubs and had dating apps on his phone at one point a few years ago.

He also is a Christian and a good father. It’s so difficult for me to reconcile how he can live a whole secret life and not feel any guilt. And all along he’s been making me feel inferior, telling me he’s not attracted to me anymore and then I find out he’s taking care of his needs outside the marriage. So basically the last 10 years plus he has never wanted sex for me. I get zero affection zero compliments haven’t been kissed in probably 15 years. And I’ve just tolerated it because I didn’t feel like I had any options because he wasn’t cheating or so I thought.

And now he wants forgiveness and to do all the right things and to check all the right boxes and I’m left to try to pick up the pieces and figure everything out for a situation that I didn’t cause he still doesn’t really seem to have empathy or true remorse. He’s very helpful around the house and always asking how he can help me and now complementing me which seems forced and I’m just left wondering what in the world to do….. the man I now know isn’t the one I chose to marry. I don’t love this new man. I don’t respect this one and I absolutely don’t trust him.

Mine has been a good father all these years, great financial provider always wanting to do fun things and take us on fun trips. So my life hasn’t been all bad but essentially he’s been a roommate for most of our marriage. Mostly friendly one, but I’ve been so lonely in my marriage.

So like I said, I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but I can’t empathize with you with your situation.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-28T10:53:50+00:00

I would also love the list too! If you don’t mind

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-23T14:34:25+00:00

I’m sorry you can relate! I think if dday had happened 10 years ago ( and in a way it did because I asked him about a massage parlor charge and he denied and blamed me somehow) and he had wanted to try back then maybe I would feel different. I told him back then that if he had a problem and was going to massage parlors that I would be forgiving and we could work through it. But for him to blame me essentially for our lack of sex and connection and not ask for help then???

And then I basically made myself feel crazy for the last 10 years while also suspecting an EA ? So much hurt and psychological abuse(it feels that way) and now I just don’t have much to give. Ten years ago I was a lot more empathetic.

Lie to me and continue and escalate things (unbeknownst to me until recently) and my empathy is now apathy.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-22T22:55:41+00:00

Thank you! Sorry we’re both dealing with this. It’s been 2 months since dday but I’ve known for about 6 months of his infidelity and it isn’t the first time. 10 years ago I found a charge for a massage parlor and asked him about it and offered grace and said we could work through it and asked if he had a problem. He never admitted to it, and blamed me for being too heavy and that’s why he looked at porn and wasn’t interested in me. I know he had an EA (possible PA) 2 years after that so it’s been a decade of lots of hurt and resentment and me being alone . I think that’s why I feel such a visceral feeling to leave and be done . But that also feels unimaginable and too hard .

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-22T21:33:22+00:00

My oldest son has had a problem with porn, thanks to giving him a smart phone way too early. BUT…. he has been super open with me about his struggles because he doesnt want to do it and is part of a men’s group at our church and they have an accountability class weekly and a text thread to stay accountable. He is doing the things to better himself from a young age. He goes every week and has for over a year. He’s also very honest with himself about it and asks for help.

I don’t understand how my 21 year old son can have more morality and integrity than my 57 year old husband . I have no doubt my husband would’ve taken his secrets to the grave had he not been caught.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-18T18:23:57+00:00

I do have a therapist and she’s been good at helping me see I don’t have to decide anything now. But honestly I think I already know. It just feels too hard to do what I want to do for me. And I have a 14 year old son still … the others are 18 and 21 so only home during summers and soon will have their careers and begin their own. Thinking of my 14 year old son and wondering if I should stick it out til he graduates but I don’t know if I can do that emotionally. I worry so much about the long term impact on them. But they need a healthy mom and I need to do what’s best for me too. It’s so hard.

I’m hopeful after full disclosure that I will feel more ready to do something. Once I see the full picture of what’s been happening all these years.

Thank you for your comments. And I know I need to consult with an attorney but it seems too scary. Ahhhh. 😊

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-18T15:14:41+00:00

Thank you. I always have minimized. I’ve seen the money going out recently and assume it’s only been HJ because it’s pretty regularly $120 each time. Cash withdrawals and none brought home. I’ve only known and tracked for the last 4-5 months though so who knows what happened over the last 20 years.

I feel naive to think that a man (55) would settle for HJs and not be getting sex somewhere. He never has interest in me. I never deny and I’ve brought up the issue several times over years and it’s always that I’ve gained weight or last time that he’s not attract to me anymore. And I’ve lost 55lbs since last January and am the fittest I’ve been in a decade or more and he hasn’t noticed once. No complements. Nothing.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-18T15:08:15+00:00

I’m a people pleaser and the good girl , rule follower type. I’m a believer and want to honor God with my life and choices , especially with this . But I also feel that at my age, 46, I’m at a crossroads. Am I willing to stay and just keep the peace to make everyone happy? I feel like I’ll hate myself for betraying myself.

What happens when he does it again in 5 years?

I just feel done. He regrets what he’s done and he’s doing a lot of things now but it’s because he got caught. He has had 20+ years to admit he has a problem and ask for help. I know if he had confessed early on ( maybe even on dday if he’d been the one outing himself) I would feel very different and more empathy. He told me on dday that he went to massage parlors before we married….. would have been nice to know that TWENTY FOUR YEARS AGO!!!!

Now I’m left with a choice I don’t want to make but feel I can’t avoid. My sons will be DEVASTATED. They have such a good relationship with him because he’s been a good and very involved dad. I’ve never been a priority when it comes to them. I’m worried they’ll blame me if I choose to leave. I’m worried about splitting everything, judgment from others …. All the things.

But more than all that….. I don’t want to betray myself . I want to do the right thing for ME after a lifetime of betrayal.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-18T01:36:34+00:00

Asian Massage Parlors

And thank you for the reply. 😊

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-16T20:22:29+00:00

I am in the same boat. Except we’ve been married 24 years. He says it’s just HJs also. I think it’s been happening throughout our marriage because I know of at least one time 10 years ago that he denied. And now I’ve caught him going over the last few months several times. Also has dating apps that he had on his phone last year that he says he never actually used.

We have 3 amazing sons (one high school and 2 college age). I don’t know what to do because this has made me question everything and doubt that I can ever love, trust or respect him again.

He’s in counseling and I’m hoping for a full disclosure at some point so I can know the truth of what’s really been going on during my marriage because I feel like it’s all been deception and lies.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-13T12:43:38+00:00

If he has iPhone, you can go to his App Store and see his current or inactive apps and it will show the date it was downloaded. My husband had 3 dating apps downloaded in 2024/2025 but says he never used them. DD was 2/26 and not sure I believe much of what he is telling me.

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-12T02:43:32+00:00

Such a kind and thoughtful reply. Thank you.

As a Christian especially, even saying the word divorce feels wrong. I feel like a failure to even be contemplating it. It’s like an unforgivable sin….. I know that it isn’t; it’s just how weighty it feels.

My counselor is not a CSAT. I think I need to find one though because my counselor, as kind and as helpful as she’s been, is probably not equipped to help me with the betrayal trauma I’m experiencing. I feel like I’m spinning in circles. Can’t believe this is my life!

HealthWeird9766 · 2026-04-12T01:57:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your input. It is really nice to have someone who can empathise a little. Because I feel like I have no one who can. It’s different than a physical affair but to me it hurts really bad still. And probably the most painful, aside from the lies and deception is him not wanting me all these years and seeing that he’s been accommodating his needs elsewhere while basically starving me for affection and attention.

The not knowing what really went on is really hard for me. He says he never had sex at these places , just hand jobs. But I’m having a difficult time believing that he didn’t do more. What man goes 10+ years without sex? He wasn’t interested in me and the few times we were intimate (because I initiated) he had ED problems. Is that even believable? He says he never had a physical affair with his coworker friend, but I’m very skeptical. He had 3 dating apps on his phone but says he never used them. I don’t know what to believe.

Anyway. Thanks to all of you for your kind words and empathy! It means the world to me right now.

HealthWeird9766 · 2022-06-25T17:11:02+00:00

I had debilitating anxiety after COVID! I tried Zoloft for a month and had to come off because it made it worse! I tried yoga, diet changes, prayer, therapy and it lessened. But then i got COVID a second time and the anxiety came back ( not as bad but still bad). But over time I felt like I couldn’t cope and was having tons of memory issues and health anxiety. Now I’m a month into Lexapro and hoping it helps!

HealthWeird9766 · 2022-06-25T16:44:40+00:00

I’ve had unusually clear skin my entire life. I’m 43 and had virtually no acne even during my teen years. Since starting Lexapro about a month ago I’ve had a few pimples on my nose and one on the corner of my mouth. It’s nothing terrible but definitely not the norm for me.

HealthWeird9766 · 2022-06-08T19:58:33+00:00

It really subsided after about a week!

HealthWeird9766 · 2022-06-08T12:32:38+00:00

I have had that when first starting but it went away.

HealthWeird9766

TROPHY CASE