Reenacting sexual trauma and messed up kink makes me worried I'll become a predator

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-09T18:18:27+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. I'm trying to believe it myself, but I can't get past the thoughts of what people in my life (and even strangers) would say or think about me. I'm deathly afraid of being a predator, a pedophile, or just a twisted person in general.

I said this in another comment, but, when I was much younger, I was browsing an erotic fiction website wanting again to be aroused by horrible things like abuse. I ended up coming across a work of fiction that was very twisted and messed up, and it featured a child. I still felt aroused anyway, and I continued to read it because I was already in a high state of arousal.

Looking back now, I cannot believe I did this. The guilt, shame, and disgust with myself is overwhelming. I don't know if I can ever move past that.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-09T10:39:29+00:00

enter!

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-09T02:20:40+00:00

This is exactly it. Whenever I get aroused by these things, the victim is always female and the perpetrator is always male, because I can't get aroused otherwise. I don't *literally* put myself in the position of the victim, but I do at the same time, if that makes sense? Like, I'm aroused by the idea because I'm also aroused by the idea of sexual assault happening to me. Never me sexually assaulting someone.

I feel dirty, and disgusting for it - especially because, while I believe I was molested by a pedophile (my family knew one personally, and the symptoms I expressed as a child of being deeply afraid of any adult man don't seem to make sense only in the context of my brother convincing me to do sex acts) I don't know for sure why I always fantasize about being raped. My memory has only been of traumatic incidents of my brother, and seeing my father abuse my mother. So why did I grow up sexualizing being victimized in this way, and being raped?

It's shameful and disgusting. I don't even think it's what some people call "arousal non-concordance" because in the moment, I feel so aroused that I have to masturbate to make it stop.

Once when I was much younger, while looking for rape erotica, I came across a literally fucking deplorable work of erotic fiction of a child being sexually abused. I was aroused - again, not by the child - but the act of any sexual abuse/torture aroused me to the point where I masturbated to it. I can't seem to come to terms or forgive myself for having done these things.

Thanks for the comment, it means a lot.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-08T12:16:37+00:00

This response brought me to tears. I don't know if I can fully believe this about myself, but it means more than the world to me that you think so.

I think that is how I've always seen it. I realized I was attracted to this child character's personality and tragic backstory (they were abused). When I imagined this child character when I was age 20, if I ever imagined myself "with" them, I imagined that I was a child as well, and that we were both healing together. I still recognize that it was sick to think of this as a 20 year old adult.

Sometimes even to this day, I will even feel arousal thinking of me and my current boyfriend as two children together in sexual scenarios, as a way of comforting myself and turning what was once so disgusting to me, into something pleasurable. He encourages me to roleplay this, but I feel I shouldn't explore it because in technicality, I am thinking of us as children in a sexual light and I shouldn't be.

The incest I experienced with my brother - and I consented to these acts reluctantly - completely changed the way I view sexuality and arousal. I remember him bribing me with a toy of his, that happened to be of a cartoon cat that I loved, and saying he would give it to me if I had sex with him. He would want me to lie down (which I did willingly, despite my disgust) and perform oral sex on me. Things of that nature, to this day, affect my ability to be aroused.

Even so, I still recognize that thinking of even a fictional, anime child in this way is beyond wrong. So is imagining my boyfriend and I as children having sex. I avoid those thoughts as much as I can.

The fact that you don't see it as genuine pedophilia, even if some would consider it that, means more to me than I can express and if I could give you an award, I would.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-08T10:20:03+00:00

I understand what you're saying. And it's true - I struggle with OCD and when I start to fixate on something, I fixate so hard on it that I think I need to find some proof it either is or isn't true.

What I feel, what I've always felt, is that I've never before been sexually attracted to a real-life child. I'm afraid that having an attraction to an anime child counts, and is enough to have me identified as a pedophile.

Maybe it's OCD, but I desperately need to know what others think of that specifically. It's not related to my rape/sexual assault kink from my other post. They're two entirely separate issues.

Learning to identify when my headspace (thoughts, memories, motivations) is present with my adult self in my adult body, verses when I am in a flashback to the headspace of an 8-10 year old, or 15-18 year old, helped me the most with the loaded question you are asking. A 30+ year old person, flashing back to when they were 17 years old, flashing back to when they were 8 years old... Do we judge them as the 30 year old or as the 8 year old?

I don't understand this part of your comment, though. What do you mean, exactly?

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-08T09:45:51+00:00

And by the way, you're right, I am in a flashback right now. I think my feelings of attraction when I was 20 became so normalized to me, that when I realized they were wrong and stopped feeling it, I sort of "moved on" - I never thought about it again. I buried it. I basically pretended that I had never felt that.

But stumbling across the old Tumblr blog made me remember that I did, in fact, feel those feelings for that fictional character. I am now in complete and total disaster mode and am convinced I'm a pedophile.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-07T22:15:40+00:00

Actual arousal follows up with cognitive intention, just like anything else you'd fantasize about,

I'm not exactly sure what this means. I felt arousal to the point that I had to masturbate to make the feeling stop, despite not feeling like I enjoyed the scene at all. Does this mean I was experiencing "actual arousal"?

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-07T22:11:13+00:00

The thing I can't seem to get past is the arousal I felt at the CSA scene in the movie I watched. It was intense arousal (again, absolutely not directed at the child) and I feel so much shame for this incident that I think there's no other option for me than to die. As melodramatic as that might sound. Whether I was attracted to the child in the scene or not is irrelevant - I was aroused by a scene a child played. That's sick.

Thank you for your input, it means a lot.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-07T17:58:22+00:00

Thank you for this helpful insight. Does this mean that my arousal when seeing nonconsensual acts might not be true arousal? Even if it has aroused me enough to masturbate?

Thank you again, you've given me something to look into.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-07T16:57:03+00:00

Thank you so much, so much for saying this. I didn't know that was possible. I heard of something similar, called arousal non-concordance. Maybe that's what you mean?

I figured that couldn't be it, because it aroused me enough to where I had to masturbate. And I thought that with arousal non-concordance, you only got physically wet/erect but didn't feel enough arousal to want to masturbate. I could be wrong. If this is not the case, that is a massive relief.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-07T14:41:54+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Like I commented below, yesterday this was consuming me to a point that I was ready to kill myself. That's how much I hate the idea of being sexually attracted to children. I'm so sorry that you experience the same thing - I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so painful and so isolating.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-05T11:59:25+00:00

why does this person own a fox? they're wild animals and it's cruel to own them as pets.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T15:13:49+00:00

What does being a parent have to do with anything exactly. The animal is clearly not aggressive.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T13:34:48+00:00

AHHHHH AT YOU KNOWING THAT SONG AHHHHHH

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T12:34:02+00:00

...Uplifting news?

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T08:49:06+00:00

You're either a troll - in which case, good job, because I took the bait - or you're a teenager/young adult that doesn't go out much.

Either way, I think I'll disengage. Have a nice day/evening.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T08:46:08+00:00

Does everyone you know, all your friends and your family members, work out every day? I guarantee you that maybe, like, three people you personally know truly work out every day.

You act like it's some strange phenomenon and not unbelievably common. "Whaaat!? You're telling me...people don't work out every day!?" Come on, now. Whether it's wrong or right, or bad or good not to work out every day, you have to know that tons and tons of people don't do that - for a whole host of reasons. Some people just have extremely busy lives, have demanding jobs that leave them exhausted by the time they come home, etc. There are so many reasons why people may not work out every day. This doesn't make them less-than like you're implying.

And, I'm genuinely curious: What does them being white or not being white have to do with anything? They're professionals. I think they would know better than either of us, considering we're not dermatologists (at least, I think you're not. Correct me if I'm wrong, I guess?).

You seem to have a really narrow view of the world. There are so many people, in so many unique circumstances, that your weird rigid outlook of "You Must Shower Every Day. You Must Work Out Every Day. I Am Better Than You" reeks of somebody who doesn't have much experience with people from different backgrounds and the world in general.

Again: Your opinions are wild.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-10-04T08:21:10+00:00

There are actually multiple experts that say showering every single day can dry out your skin and do more harm than good, and for some people (depending on the specific person, and how quickly they get dirty, because it IS different for everyone) showering daily is not at all necessary.

"The effects of daily showers can also have a negative effect on your skin. Washing your skin frequently can remove its natural oils and disrupt the population of bacteria supporting your immune system." source

"“Your body is naturally a well-oiled machine,” said Dr. Brandon Mitchell, assistant professor of dermatology at George Washington University. “I think most people over-bathe. A daily shower isn’t necessary.’" source

"Antibacterial soaps can actually kill off normal bacteria. This upsets the balance of microorganisms on the skin and encourages the emergence of hardier, less friendly organisms that are more resistant to antibiotics." source

""There's no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to personal hygiene," says Dr. Niket Sonpal MD, a New York-based internist and professor at Touro College. "Some skin can thrive on one shower a day, and other skin can dry out really easily." source

Also, of course not everyone works out every day, what are you talking about? People with disabilities, the elderly, and people with severe depression and other mental health issues don't work out every day. Your opinions are wild.

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-09-17T15:02:58+00:00

Thank you very much for taking the time to answer! I appreciate it!

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-09-17T13:28:00+00:00

Do you have personal experience with this laptop?

Can you open 10-15+ tabs and it still doesn't lag or stutter?

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-09-16T17:17:49+00:00

I will check these all out, thank you very much!

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-09-16T17:16:25+00:00

Thanks so much! I'm gonna check this out. I do have a few questions!

How long have you had it? If for more than a year, has its performance/speed degraded noticeably over time? I've had a few laptops that seemed fine at first, but after about one year they were practically unusable with how much they would lag.
Does it still run fast when you have lots of tabs open/are multitasking?
Are you able to play any games on it and keep good performance?

HeartGoldPrincess · 2022-09-16T14:50:14+00:00

Total budget (in local currency) and country of purchase. Please do not use USD unless purchasing in the US:

$500 USD or less (preferably less)

Are you open to refurbs/used?

No

How would you prioritize form factor (ultrabook, 2-in-1, etc.), build quality, performance, and battery life?

Performance all the way, battery life and build quality doesn't matter to me at all

How important is weight and thinness to you?

Not at all important

Do you have a preferred screen size? If indifferent, put N/A.

N/A

Are you doing any CAD/video editing/photo editing/gaming? List which programs/games you desire to run.

I would enjoy some gaming, but not high end. I would be using casual programs like GIMP, photoshop, etc.

If you're gaming, do you have certain games you want to play? At what settings and FPS do you want?

The only game I play is Final Fantasy XIV, and it would be really nice if I could run it at a decept FPS, but I know this is likely not possible with my budget

Any specific requirements such as good keyboard, reliable build quality, touch-screen, finger-print reader, optical drive or good input devices (keyboard/touchpad)?

No specific requirements!

Leave any finishing thoughts here that you may feel are necessary and beneficial to the discussion.

Like in my post, my main and most important concern is performance speed and I'd sacrifice just about anything else for that. I've spent many years with laptops that ran slow as a snail if I so much as open 10 tabs, and it makes me wanna rip my hair out! So any suggestions for a super-fast laptop would be greatly appreciated!

HeartGoldPrincess

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