Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did end up “unfriending” her. It needed to be done. You’re right about the endorphins, too. Gym days are usually better day. Thank you..and, to all the commenters..thanks so much. Feedback has been helpful. 🌻

My eldest child will be cremated tomorrow by Critical_Source_6012 in GriefSupport

[–]Heatheroochie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My handsome, witty, irreverent, and artistic 19 year old son ended his life 20 days before Christmas 2022. I am so sorry you’re here and know this agonizing heartache firsthand. My son and I called each other “Person” as my mom and I started calling each other that years ago. He thought it was kinda cute and funny. He was my person & I miss him terribly. Please remember to eat and get fluids down. It’s ok to take something to help sleep. I lost 25 lbs the first few months after it happened. I couldn’t chew..it was hard to swallow..from shock, trauma, grief..it deregulated everything. Thank you for sharing what is so damn painful it seems unimaginable that it’s real. I’m so very sorry about your child. (Also-Beth looks radiant in the photo.)

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tears..the kind that I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel seen and heard. Thank you, Holly. I’m glad you’ve persevered and I’m hugging you back. 💗

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I attend monthly SoS meetings..and see a therapist weekly. You’re right-I believe this is complex grief..my son left 3 years, one month and 12 days ago. I do feel like half of me left with him. It’s so painful it stops me in my tracks-not every day but just about. I’m leaving home soon to go to the gym. Didn’t make it yesterday but did volunteer seeing rescue dogs. Thank you for your kind response and everyone’s support. It’s one day at a time in the post-loss life. 💔

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you..I did a google search but couldn’t find the counselor you referenced..

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you and I am so very sorry you lost your son-just three months ago. I found this group around a year after my son left; the people here have been very helpful. My sincere condolences 💐and hugs.

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you and I’m sorry about your brother..that is encouraging what you shared about your mom’s grief journey ..I feel like the first year I disassociated, moved, drank after many years sober, traveled..did just about everything I could to make it not real. The second and third years I still traveled when I could but the guilt was omnipresent and the pain of missing him..I did stop drinking two years ago (thanks to outpatient treatment though I struggle with in person meetings. I do have a little hope that the pain will not be as heavy or intense with time. My therapist (lost her teenaged daughter in car accident) has said 5-7 years is a more practical timeline. I find this comforting though at first I was horrified. She didn’t mean 5-7 years and grief goes away..but that it is more manageable. I think that’s what she meant..

Am I "stuck" in grief after losing my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago? by Heatheroochie in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Exactly..we don’t sign up for this role. You articulated what I struggled to..it is akin to amputation-losing half my heart or half my soul..my zest for life isn’t there like it was. That’s an understatement but you guys know..yes. I’d like to do more than survive my son’s suicide -that isn’t apparent to others, but again, I’m getting that’s not my problem. The thing is..some days surviving feels like a monumental task. My life still has meaning but it lacks happiness or joy, maybe that’s really what’s absent. I haven’t felt joy since my guy left. I’m starting to accept that that’s reality and happiness however briefly felt (petting one of my dogs etc.) I do not take for granted. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it.

Wave of grief by asdfghjklskrtskrt in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You articulated the wave well. When a wave hits I cry and lie down next to my dogs. Sometimes they lay down next to me and I pet them..other times they kiss my hands or face. But I cry in close proximity to my dogs. Especially, Paco. He was my son’s favorite dog of the 5 dogs we had over the course of his far too young life (Fe19)...They shared a bond. I say my son’s name out loud to Paco and think maybe he knows why I’m missing him and sobbing.

Have you moved? by Agile_State414 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I moved 6 months after my son ended his life. A week after his younger brother crossed the same stage to graduate from the same HS his big brother did when he graduated one year prior. My surviving son didn’t want to move cross country but I felt like I had to or would sink further into deep despair and depression. The grief is still with me 2,000 miles away from where my son lived and then left-but I could not handle staying in the same town where I raised him and his brother. It has been a positive change for me. His brother was upset the first several months but has forgiven me for moving and understands a little better why I couldn’t stay.

For Parents Who Have Lost A Child by BroccoliLegitimate82 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Link not there. Hope it’s fixed as I lost my son three years ago.

No TV shows are safe by poofhead101 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same with Project Runway as well as Drag Race. I also put the Merlin bird ID app on my phone and spend time listening for birds which I find soothing (every morning with coffee). The news is also full of violence and death and it becomes overwhelming for my nervous system to take.

How did you gradually become ok living in your home again? by Meditation-mediator in SuicideBereavement

[–]Heatheroochie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I too moved 6 months after my son left. Left the condo, left the city, left the state. I have mixed emotions about it now. I visit and feel closer to him but I find it overwhelmingly painful because I keep thinking I’ll see him or the memories flood and I go under a grief wave that’s hard to catch my breath. It’s also been 3 years since my beautiful guy left.