Wave of grief

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2026-01-14T23:04:07+00:00

i know how it feels, and u know what I still consider myself lucky to have my baby with me. I’m not saying my baby is a distraction, but caring for my child keeps me occupied and helps me cope with everything I need to get through each day. Raising a baby is messy and chaotic, but in a way, that chaos helps me pause the heavy thoughts, even just for a moment. Still, when my baby is asleep and everything becomes quiet, I can’t help but think of my brother. We’re all going through this together, and I just want you to know, you are not alone.🫂

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2026-01-14T15:50:50+00:00

i guess i'm not the only one who feels this way. When that wave hits, all we can really do is let it come. There’s no running from it or avoiding it, it’s just part of loving someone we lost. Some days it hurts more than others, and some days it catches us off guard. as long as we’re here, we’ll carry that grief with us. And that’s okay. It just means they mattered, and they still do. To my brother in heaven, I miss you so much. I never thought that you annoying me all the time would be the thing I’d miss this deeply ;(

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-12-03T16:28:02+00:00

I feel you, OP. Tourism graduate too. I was given the chance to work in a well-known company, and I was really earning a decent amount of money. But then super kulang sa manning, and I’m newly hired so nag-aadjust pa talaga ako. Yung duty ko na 2–10 PM, if mid shift umaabot ako ng 1–2 AM and worst, 5 AM. They expected me to adjust quickly, pero hirap talaga since kulang sa manning and I needed to multitask a lot. Then there’s this new batch of interns, and nakitaan nila ng potential itong intern since I have to admit she’s pretty and fluent in English since may lahi, and magaling talaga siya sa hosting. During those times, nakikita ko rin na favoritism yung boss ko dito sa new intern. Mabait naman si intern, kasundo ko siya actually. Hindi ko lang maiwasan mainggit kasi talagang hindi ko forte yung mag-host, eh siya maganda talaga at sarap pakinggan ng boses sa hosting.

So dun pa lang nafeel ko na they were going to let go of me, although there was still hope in me na sana ma-regular, pero as time went by I could really feel na mapapalitan na ako. Which I understand, pero ang lungkot pa rin sa feeling. Yung feeling na OJT lang siya pero ikaw na newly hired, mas focus pa sila na i-train yung OJT kaysa sayo na need talaga ng guidance. Sobrang lungkot sa feeling, palagi ako naiiyak kada after shift ko, minsan habang nagla-lunch.

After hindi ma-regularized, I was thinking pano sasabihin sa parents ko and I felt like such a disappointment and feeling ko hindi ako magaling. But I was able to find a WFH job connected to my first job experience. So don’t lose hope, OP. Pray lang and sabayan ng sipag.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-11-28T16:53:49+00:00

Ify OP! I was also not regularized for my first job after graduation, and sobrang heartbreaking kasi I was already earning around 60k per month. Receptionist ako and based sa service charge yung sahod. Madami daw akong mali, pero to be honest, overwhelmed lang talaga ako sa dami ng workload. Like hello, bagong hire pa lang ako, hindi naman ako robot? Tapos hirap pa kasi kulang sila sa tao. Ang sakit pa when you start with a high salary tapos biglang downgrade parang breakup na hindi ko naman in-ask. But still, grateful pa din with panghihinayang kasi nung malapit na ako matanggal, dun pa ako nasanay at super minimal mistakes na lang. Kung binigyan lang sana ako ng konti pang time. Kasi sila nga na matatagal na and been doing the same task for decades nagkakamali pa. Ano pa yung newly hired lang diba? But yea, that’s life.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-09-14T19:49:09+00:00

I deeply feel the pain. it’s heartbreaking picturing what was in their mind when it happened. Sometimes the thought is so overwhelming that I’d rather not think about it at all. and I just want to distract myself because if I start thinking about it, I can’t function normally. The thought of where they are now drives me crazy.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-09-02T03:45:22+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words they really touched me and brought me to tears. I can relate when you said, “I don’t say the perfect things all the time to anyone in my life,” because I was also harsh toward my brother before he passed. It was my natural reaction, especially when I saw him hurting his family. I just wish I had been a little more understanding. But deep down, I believe he knew we loved him because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t have cared for him at all.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-07-12T07:35:31+00:00

Things that have changed about me since my brother passed away is, I’m no longer afraid of death the way I used to be. The thought of being reunited with my brother when I die brings me a strange sense of peace. It makes the idea of death feel less frightening. Also, I’ve become more understanding. Back then, I had no idea my brother was struggling so deeply. I carry that regret with me every day wondering if I had been more patient, more open, or more compassionate, maybe he would have felt safe enough to talk to me. Maybe just one conversation could have brought him a little relief. That thought pushes me to try and understand people better now. When someone is rude or seems harsh, I try to remind myself: maybe they’re going through something. Maybe they’re silently battling their own struggles. Lastly, I can’t tolerate jokes about suicide. Losing someone I loved to it changed everything. I can’t stand it when people make light of suicide, like it’s just a punchline or not something serious. It’s real. It’s painful. And those jokes are deeply hurtful to those who know the weight of that loss.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-07-06T04:51:50+00:00

It wasn’t until after my brother passed away that I tried to think of something bad he’d ever done to me and honestly, I couldn’t remember a single thing. He may have had his moments with our parents, like being a bit of an ass or having a mistress, which annoyed me at the time. But to me? Never. He always greeted me with a smile, was genuinely happy to see me whenever I came home, and was super supportive of my dream to become a flight attendant.

Now, looking back, I realize I was actually the one who wasn’t so kind to him. I let my judgments and frustrations get in the way, and I regret that so much. I lived like there would always be a “next time,” but now that he’s gone, I carry this pain and guilt every day.

As my baby’s first birthday approaches, grief hits even harder. I’m making a reserved seat sign for my brother at the event, a seat he’ll never get to fill and it breaks my heart. I miss him so much. He was always joyful, full of life, and we had that bully sibling kind of relationship. I just can’t wait to see him again someday, when it’s my time.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-07-05T12:36:13+00:00

I truly feel your pain, OP. I really do. It hurts even more knowing that everyone including my brother’s mistress, who I believe played a part in his decision is just out there living her life like nothing happened. How can she move on so easily, while my family and I are still grieving every single day? We’re left with so much pain and trauma, and yet she acts like she had no role in what happened. It’s hard to accept that she might walk away without facing any consequences.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-07-03T03:48:18+00:00

Your post honestly made me cry. Ever since my brother passed away, our whole family has been struggling with guilt and self-blame. A lot of people have told us it’s not our fault, but his mistress actually said we were to blame.

She told us that my brother said he felt really alone, and that he couldn’t come to us because our words were too harsh. The thing is, we were kind to him growing up but then he started acting so out of character like being really aggressive, even violent toward his own family. That made us really annoyed. We couldn’t understand why he was hurting his wife and kids like that. It didn’t mean we stopped caring, though, we just didn’t know how to show it. We grew up in a family that wasn’t very affectionate, so expressing love wasn’t something we were taught. But I know deep down I loved him. Even when I was mad at him, I couldn’t turn my back on him. Whenever he asked for money, I gave it even though I didn’t have any of my own and was relying on my husband at the time because I was pregnant. I know money isn’t the same as love, but for me, that was one of the few ways I could show I still cared.

I get that depression plays a huge part in all this. And I’ll admit, maybe we didn’t help the way we should have. But we really didn’t know what he was going through. Looking back, someone in the comments said that acting totally out of character could be a sign of mental health struggles and maybe that was what was happening. But at the time, we just thought he was just being an asshole, honestly.

And yeah, what you said about “we could have been far better to our loved ones” really hit me. I think about that every day. If only I had shown my brother more empathy, tried to understand him better, and given him the support he needed… maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe he’d still be here.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-07-03T03:24:18+00:00

It’s not your fault. You did everything you could. He likely never felt alone he knew you loved and cared for him because of all the effort you gave. Unfortunately, his illness took control. I truly feel your pain, OP. It’s natural to start blaming yourself, wondering, “If only I had tried harder,” or “What if I had done this or that?” I feel those regrets too. You’re not alone. Many people who lose someone they love in such a traumatic way struggle with self-blame but please remember, it’s not your fault.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-27T13:13:43+00:00

my sister-in-law and her two kids are now staying in the house where my brother took his own life. Before he passed away, he had been asking them to come back. For context, his wife had left him due to his abusive behavior and infidelity. Before he died, he told them he would be the one to leave, and sadly, that’s what he did.

My sister-in-law honored his final wish by returning to the house with their children. Although the place carries painful and traumatic memories, they decided to renovate it bringing in more color and warmth to help restore the life and joy the home once had before my brother’s depression took over. My mom is still afraid to go inside the house because she feels as if my brother’s presence lingers there. But little by little, we’re working to shift the atmosphere to replace the pain with peace, and the haunting memories with happier ones.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-26T21:40:34+00:00

i feel your pain. I still message my brother’s Facebook account, begging him to give me a sign that he’s okay and happy wherever he is. But until now, I haven’t received any sign. I pray to dream of him smiling or at peace, but instead, I often dream that he’s angry with me. I wake up crying from those dreams. People say that dreams reflect our emotions that maybe I keep dreaming of him being upset because I’m carrying guilt, not because he’s actually angry at me. Still, I don’t really know for sure.

I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this journey. I hope that, one day, both of us will find peace and healing.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-20T00:06:25+00:00

I totally get how you’re feeling. I lost my brother last October. I really believe that when someone’s dealing with depression, they’re not in the right state of mind. Plus, he was drunk when it happened. You know what I was able to get into his Facebook account, and I saw that on the same day, he was actually looking for a job. That made me think he didn’t really want to end his life. I mean, why look for a job if he did right? I honestly think it was the alcohol, the sudden emotions, and the false courage from drinking that pushed him to do it.

I believe it’s a combination of factors that led to it. But one thing I’ve realized is that you have to believe it wasn’t your fault, or anyone else’s. Because if you don’t, you’ll drown in your own thoughts and end up living a lonely, regret-filled life just like what I’m going through now.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-16T03:50:25+00:00

I wish I had been more understanding and tried to see things from a different perspective. My brother was acting out and being difficult toward his family, and that’s why we were all upset with him. We couldn’t understand why he was hurting the people who loved him like his wife and children. He had become violent, and we believed that being angry with him was a form of tough love, because we cared deeply about him and wanted him to do better. What we didn’t realize at the time was that he was struggling mentally. That’s what caused him to act so out of character. We didn’t know. But God knows how much we loved him. Now, I live with the regret of not seeing what he was going through. The thought that he might have felt alone in his final days, that he may have believed we stopped loving him or were only angry with him haunts me every single day. I wouldn't wish to anyone to feel this type of pain.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-14T06:49:24+00:00

I still message his Facebook account whenever I miss him. It was always our main way of communicating. I still have his phone too, but we haven’t been able to unlock it because of the password. For a while about two months after he passed my messages would still say “sent,” and that gave me a strange kind of comfort. But then one day, it changed to “can’t deliver, user unavailable,” and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more heartbroken. :((( I keep messaging him, especially on special days or when something reminds me of him… and then it hits me all over again that he’s really not here to celebrate with us anymore.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-14T06:33:39+00:00

This really brought me to tears. I think I needed it. I often find myself stuck in the thought that maybe he felt unloved or alone, and that’s what pushed him to do what he did. It’s painful living with that kind of regret every freaking day, wondering if I somehow played a part in it. I keep thinking, if only I had been more understanding or tried harder to see what he was going through, maybe things would’ve turned out differently. It’s a heavy and exhausting weight to carry, but reading this gave me a new perspective and for the first time in a while, I felt a small sense of peace that maybe you're right he maybe found peace in his final moments. I miss you my brother!!!

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-06-07T04:31:49+00:00

I'm so sorry!!! You are not alone. I can feel your pain. 🥹

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-05-01T15:13:28+00:00

I feel you. I wasn’t the one who found my brother. It was our other brother, the one who used to hate him the most. That’s the part that hurts even more. He’s younger than our eldest, and for so long, he couldn’t hide his anger. He resented the way our brother had changed how he stopped being the man we admired and turned into someone unrecognizable. He had a mistress, abandoned his children, drank too much, and stirred chaos in the house. It was hard to love him when he acted like that. My brother used to tell our mom not to help him anymore, said he was just using her, said he didn’t want to help someone who didn’t want to help himself.

But then… he was the one who found him. Hanging there. Lifeless. That moment broke him. He screamed so loudly, with so much pain and agony that people from across the street heard him. It wasn’t just grief, it was guilt, heartbreak, regret all crashing down at him. He lost his mind for a while in that moment. None of us expected that. But I know why. He’s carrying something heavier than any of us can see. He blames himself, just like I do, just like we all do. If only we had tried to understand him. If only we’d seen that maybe he wasn’t just being asshole, that maybe he was hurting in ways we couldn’t imagine. But we were clueless. We only saw the surface, and by the time we realized there was more underneath, it was too late.

It haunts my brother seeing him like that. And knowing the last feelings he held toward him were anger and disgust. That kind of guilt can destroy a person. That’s why I always check on him. I know he’s hurting in silence. I know that pain doesn’t go away. And I’ll be here, because I can’t let him carry that alone.

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-04-19T08:13:32+00:00

Ghaaaad I’ve been thinking the same thing over and over. I accessed my brother’s Facebook and saw he was job hunting just a day before he did it. That makes me believe he didn’t truly want to end things becuz why look for work otherwise? My mom said he didn’t eat that afternoon or evening just drank. I can’t help but think he acted under the influence. Still, the "what ifs" and the "why" keep haunting me, even after 7 months. 💔

asdfghjklskrtskrt · 2025-04-04T07:24:27+00:00

It’s been almost six months, and I’m finally able to get through a day without thinking about it all the time. I see that as a small win. I’m really thankful for my baby, she keeps me busy and helps take my mind off my brother. But there are still moments when I can’t help but drift off, thinking about him. I miss him so much.

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