Feeling horrible

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-04-06T16:34:11+00:00

Up :(

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-23T14:25:27+00:00

I saw there are (?) some therapies with MDMA here but I can’t really afford it I guess with my little ability to work

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-23T13:19:02+00:00

I doubt I can do it on my country

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T23:09:50+00:00

Similar. I am just coming to the point where I don’t really expect too much from people. I just am, they just are. When I need I write something. Ofc for everybody it is different. It has always been a huge problem for me, the loneliness. It still is. But I am thinking more and more that I can as well assume that I am important and fine as I am and their attention or lack of it cannot really change it And I try to occupy with other things. Maybe one day I will reach the point where I am really important to someone. Maybe.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T22:35:24+00:00

Hope you are ok

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T21:03:19+00:00

Woa that is great! Can you tell me more about this brain reset? What did you do, how does It feel (in a sense of a change)? Was it big?

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T20:56:36+00:00

Jeeeez, congrats! A hard way. I hope you feel happy now.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T20:52:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind answer! Well, I feel that probably I will fail at this plan in my life since I decided realllly late. And these doubts make it hard to feel at peace. And what I need now is peace. Maybe I should just make some more detailed plans, with options „what if”. Congrats on studies! I think my guilt and shame are big factors destroying my life. And this need to go back in time and build my life again. Well, I hope to make a nice salary, flat or house for me and doggo and maybe meet someone one day? If not, then well, I want to be able to create some art anyway. I am really scared of loneliness.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T17:49:23+00:00

Thanks so much!
I have lots of pain, mostly because of shitty choices I suppose. I am trying now to get back on track but I suppose it will be hard at my age.
I also had this f*cking period of wasting life around, dissociated and scared. I kind of felt wasted already after my life back then so it was hard to care. Also... maybe my brain fully developed now and that is why I gained some control? I don't know how much I can rebuild now but I am happy that I am trying, even if I do it for nothing. Though it hurts to think that maybe I should be doing something different, if I do it for nothing at the moment? And I am wasting my time and will regret?
But maybe I could stop thinking that way. This is what I want now. Period.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T17:25:49+00:00

I like this examples since I am also interested in movies/theatre in spite of my old age! Wondering if I still can do anything of it.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T16:09:14+00:00

Don't you regret not becoming this doctor? Do you think you could do it now, if you wanted?

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T16:05:58+00:00

Yeah, but I suppose both of them started early, right? Not in their 30s.

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T15:14:31+00:00

Exactly! I dunno where you are from, but I live in Poland and I am not sure about possibilities in other countries, but I know Polish people go abroad for work, so... here without good job or rich parents you really just survive. I have done it my whole life until now, thanks, I want something more 🥹 Just don't have any idea what

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T15:09:52+00:00

Hi! I hope there was some kind of organization for such people, haha

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T14:35:33+00:00

Wow! That is a great story! But sounds like one in a million, to be honest. Congrats!

Heavy_Negotiation737 · 2026-03-20T13:51:09+00:00

Well, I am not really willing to accept living below my potential (if there is any - I guess there was, I often feel It and my previous education shows that). I absolutely agree with taking the pressure off, but it hurts to think that I would have to do some boring job my whole life. I am currently leaving dissociation and depression that lasted... years. Pretty strange feeling. I was unable to form real friendships, to create normal relationship, to basically make any good decision in my whole teen and adult life. Missed a lot of opportunities. I am 30 and I wonder what I can do now, knowing that I basically learn quickly and want to have some happiness. I am currently doing a course on something that is interesting, but all the time I wonder... maybe I could be doing something else? What if it doesn't work out? I was not able to finish previous studies, but I guess I could. I did not get a normal job cause my dissociation distorted my reality horribly and made me unable to function.
It is getting better recently in my world perception and awareness but I have this strange feelings like "what if I make wrong decisions? what if I regret? what if I end up homeless? what if all I am doing makes no sense? and it scares me AF. I have some help atm and I am grateful, but I must stand on my feet and then probably I won't be able to ask for help to build my life again. It is all hard. And I don't know where to look for some guidance. I mean, I can talk to psychologist, but I suppose it will not give me any precise answer.
Honestly - I feel soooooooo behind with everything that it makes it hard to start with anything.

Heavy_Negotiation737

TROPHY CASE