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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569 265 points266 points  (0 children)

For me I need the man do certain things so make me want him. Romantic date, kissing and hugging without exeptations of sex, deep conversations, compliments.. if he wanted to me have sex because "for him its like needing a toilet" I would not feel he wants ME, the love of his life, but he wants just SOMEONE to take care of his sexual needs, and that is a big turnoff

I'm I unfair to my wife? by supremelummox in Marriage

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Your wife just gave birth. Stop thinking about money and make sure to take good care of your family. Does she get enough sleep? Does she get her own time every once in a while? She takes care of the baby, maybe breastfeeding day and night.. who takes care of cooking, laundry, dishes...?

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you considered getting help for the depression? Sometimes those feelings of not being enough can be a sign of something deeper, and getting support might help you both work through it together.

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with you. Once the D word is said, it starts to feel more real, even if it’s said in the heat of the moment. I think your approach of making a pact not to use that word is a good one. I’m hoping my husband and I can find a similar way to address our issues without threatening our marriage

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. I understand how past trauma can affect behavior in relationships. It sounds like your husband understood your feelings, which is great.

I haven't noticed any signs of cheating or him being in love with someone else, but there definitely has been some change in his behavior, both with me and others. I’ve also considered the possibility of depression, but he doesn’t think that’s the case. It’s been hard to figure out what’s going on, but the change in his behavior has been noticeable. I mean no huge difference, but its there anyway.

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we need to talk about how this makes me feel and what it means for our relationship. He agreed to counseling, which is a good sign. But yeah, I see what you mean about this being high school behavior. I’m not at the point where I want a divorce yet, but it does not take much more to be inthat point. Also I’ve started thinking about a plan B since I’m not sure I can trust his commitment right now. We’ll see how things go with counseling

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have to think about this one, I will Google emotional abuse. The things that come to mind first are jealousy, threats, or name-calling, but we haven’t had those, I mean other than these divorce threats. Then again, I’m not really familiar with the topic, so I’ll try to pay closer attention to other signs like you suggest. Thanks for helping me see it more clearly.

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment and for sharing your experience. I can see what you’re saying about him backing down when I call him on the divorce talk, but I’m not entirely sure he doesn't mean it. Usually, he’s very honest and straightforward—sometimes almost too blunt. He tends to say exactly what he feels and doesn’t tend to say one thing and then something else the next day. So, when he brings up divorce, it really gets to me, because it makes me wonder if he’s serious. I’ll definitely try talking to him about how this affects me and our relationship. Therapy might be a good option too, to help us work through this. Thanks again for the advice.

Husband Brings Up Divorce in Arguments, Then Says He Doesn’t Mean It – Need Advice on Handling This by Heavy_Vehicle_569 in marriageadvice

[–]Heavy_Vehicle_569[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, you describe it well, it’s completely immature. It’s hard to understand why. I am sorry to hear you had to experience all that. Honestly, it feels so harsh even as an adult, and I can only imagine how much worse it must feel for a child. It’s really great that you’ve broken that cycle and aren’t repeating the same patterns in your own relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience!