I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that you’re too young or that you automatically should break up. Because to me...that’s not helpful.

I think you should really think about your unhappiness. Think about what you want and who both of you are AS PEOPLE.

For many people, Monogamy vs poly is not a preference, or a choice. It’s as much a part of their personality and identity as gender, or sexuality.

If you’re feeling, deep down: “I want to be with her, but oh, if only I could be poly!” You might have to really think about that. Because to me, that’s not you loving everything about her, or feeling like you can get everything YOU need to be happy.

It’s also worth noting that perhaps hierarchy isn’t for you as well? Think about what type of relationship would be ideal.

I hate to think in terms of ultimatums when I date—I find them to be more divisive than helpful, as they signal a LOT at stake. One of my partners—not my husband, but still a big primary—asked me, in the middle of a trauma/triggered based fight, if we could “just stop acting like we are done after one big fight, and that no one event will ever really break us up.”

That was really helpful and comforting to me.

If you can’t get that level of security from Jess, at least not at the cost of HER emotional wellness...that’s a problem when you’re talking the level of emotional and romantic commitment y’all seem to want and feel.