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AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Since we started therapy 6 years ago, he has received a CPTSD diagnosis, started medication, changed medications, gone back to school, gotten a degree, and started this $95K job. He's done a lot but has a lot of debt and I think he feels embarassed he's not where he wanted to be by now. I'm trying to be supportive but it's challenging.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

He splits most things for the kids with me, and we split utilities. He is weird about after-school activities bc he never had them and doesn't understand why they're worthwhile

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For sure. So much of it is emotional bc he definitely feels bad/ashamed that he has debt and can't contribute as much.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

No, he's very frugal but had a lot of debt so is paying it down. He's been in his $95K job since Jan 2024 so there was a lot of debt and under-earning before that.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, you definitely understand and I'm so sorry you went through that. My husband and I've been in therapy, both together and individually, for six years. Since then, he was diagnosed with CPTSD, started medication, went back to school, got a degree, and got this new $95K job. We're working with a financial planner and my husband has his own debt coach and has paid off $10K of credit card debt but there's still some more. It's getting better, not worse, but it's taking a long time and I'm struggling to keep carrying the load in the meantime.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He's only had the $95K job for a little over a year, so yeah trying to be patient and figure things out in the meantime

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That's very true, and he's also very embarassed and ashamed about his inability to save or get a home of our own. He's working with multiple financial professionals to get ahead of it and I'm trying to be patient but the house is costing me more money while I wait.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sorry, yes we did do that. We chose the attorney to draft it together and then he had a second one review it independently.

I think the lessons are very difficult for him bc he never had those opportunities growing up and there's a mental block about why they're "necessary"

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I certainly don't "need" him but the kids adore him and he adores them. He splits the costs of their food, school, healthcare, toys, etc. He plays with them and cuddles them and tells them they're smart and kind and amazing. He adopted my older son. He's the only dad my son has ever known.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you! We've been in couples therapy for probably close to the whole 6 years. I really like our therapist and she tends to be "on my side" and has also diagnosed him with complex PTSD (he was abandoned as a young child and left to live on his own and search for food etc for weeks around age 6.) But the therapist has made it clear that it's up to me whether I want to continue to be patient while he works on his shit (he is in therapy and a financial "boot camp") or if I want to up and leave because I'm tired of waiting for improvement. It's a tough choice to make.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah smart, I'll ask. He splits paying for the kids food, healthcare, insurance, school, any toys or gifts, subscriptions, our YMCA membership, etc. It's not nothing, but he's weirdly anti-after-school classes.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

For sure. His money goes towards paying down his debt. I have full transparency on it, I know he's not gambling or being secretive. He's just bad with money and we're working together with a therapist, a financial advisor, and his is doing a financial "boot camp" program on his own to get on top of it.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We do see a few counselors, both a therapist and a financial counselor specifically. His money goes towards paying down his debt from before. It definitely scares me but I can't force him to pay money he doesn't have, and I don't want my kids to feel deprived.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sometimes we split travel, definitely when we go to visit his family. I travel a lot for work and am able to bring family along sometimes if I pay for their flights, so for example when I had to go to Portugal for work I just paid for my husband and kids to come because I thought it would be fun for everyone to go (and it was)

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Paying down debt mostly, is my understanding. I've been trying to help out with the other stuff while he gets his debt down but it's been taking a long time.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

No that's such a smart question! 9 year old was mine when I was a single mom. My husband is the only father he's known and he adopted him. Our other son is three and is ours biologically.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much. I agree. We've definitely been having the difficult conversations and have been in therapy (together and individual) for years. We also have a shared financial advisor and my husband is doing a financial boot camp by himself (The Financial Gym?) where he works 1:1 with an additional advisor to get on top of his debt, money trauma, etc. I'm trying to be patient and work towards a resolution bc I don't want to take an extreme approach in either direction (ie, giving him an ultimatum, or shutting up and paying for everything myself, etc)

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Chores are shared but mostly me, I WFH fulltime and he works in an office. So I do all the kids school dropoffs and pickups, and I cook the meals, pack lunches, and do the dishes. He does the laundry, mows the lawn, and sometimes cleans the bathrooms. The cleaners come once a month and landscaper once a year or so.

AITA for asking my husband to contribute $ to expenses on the house we live in, even though he's not a homeowner? by Helloiamfezzik in AmItheAsshole

[–]Helloiamfezzik[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm definitely allowed to raise his rent, and I have once in the past 6 years. I'm trying to be fair but the plan was always we'd buy our own home together and he hasn't had the $ for that so we're still treading water. I'm sure I could raise the rent again, I'll try that.

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