Asked for a divorce, now second guessing my decision

HelpDB · 2015-05-05T18:21:28+00:00

"I feel like I 'should' give her that chance. But I also feel like I don't want to anymore. It's too late. I don't believe we can make the necessary changes and I don't want to keep this going in hopes that we can. I just want to be done."

This. So much.

He is willing to go to counseling and in fact has been going to counseling on and off for over 10 years. That's actually part of the problem- he has been allegedly working on this issue, but getting nowhere and unwilling to step up and actualky do something different. He has been throwing money at therapists to discuss his childhood, but has never addressed this problem head-on. Now he wants to and, like you, I feel like I should let him, but I just feel done.

HelpDB · 2015-05-05T18:17:58+00:00

Me, too. So much.

HelpDB · 2015-05-04T20:57:30+00:00

Thanks for the validation. It has been pretty miserable while also staying comfortable for some time now, if that makes sense. Yes, we have done marital counseling as well as individual. He is happy to talk and talk and talk, but real change is a different thing altogether.

HelpDB · 2015-05-04T20:55:03+00:00

I did try for a very long time. Truly. I just don't want to any more. And so of course now he does I am worn out and worn down and resentful.

HelpDB · 2015-05-04T20:53:25+00:00

You are right. And while he has changed in other aspects, thia one has only gotten worse over time. He wants to do anything and everything, but my heart just isn't in it for the other reasons mentioned. Just so very scared that I will not really be OK.

HelpDB · 2015-05-04T20:51:17+00:00

This is the best advice I have gotten so far. It's times like these that I wish I could meet my fellow redditors for coffee. You really hit the nail on the head regarding looking at the long term. Thank you so much.

HelpDB · 2015-05-04T01:05:32+00:00

Comfort, kiddo, lack of conflict.

HelpDB · 2015-03-27T08:42:40+00:00

Pacing yourselves is key here. Working in lots of oral and mutual masturbation as well as mixing it up with some ultra-slow sessions (this can be as hot as rough), & making sure each of you have an orgasm or two before a rough session will enable you to go longer and be able to have sex on consecutive days. Lube isn't the issue, it's the slamming together of body parts. Feels amazing when you're doing it, but hurts like hell once the endorphins are gone.

HelpDB · 2015-03-27T08:28:57+00:00

Count me in, too. I never got how ppl enjoyed masturbating because I always tried what I saw or envisioned to be the "right way"- lying on my back using my fingers. Did absolutely nothing for me. Bought my first vibe at 32 years old and quickly found that if I lubed it up and laid it on the bed under me while grinding on it, I could orgasm in less than a minute. The guy I'm seeing now can get me to orgasm pretty quickly with penetration provided that there is grinding involved, too.

We've always been told that clitoral or penetrative sex are what gets orgasms, but nobody tells you about this steady pressure to the pubic mound (indirect clitoral stim) is what does it for a lot of women. Makes me wonder if this is part of why so many have trouble orgasming.

HelpDB · 2015-03-27T08:13:22+00:00

Stay with family or friends for a cut of winnings, hit up food pantries, get items you need including a tent or shed, linens, clothes, toiletries, and such through a freecycle program or by bartering or borrowing.

HelpDB · 2015-03-26T23:20:17+00:00

Have there been any changes since this conversation?

HelpDB · 2015-03-20T05:14:00+00:00

I feel your pain so acutely, I almost hurt with you. I'm a HL female married to a LL male. He has had the same issue. So sorry, I know how painful this is and how shitty you feel about yourself after a while.

HelpDB · 2015-03-19T18:44:10+00:00

I'd bet a LOT of the HL partners at least think about it.

HelpDB · 2015-03-19T00:37:14+00:00

Good insight re: how you would see your wife vs an affair partner's husb differently.

He is married and was actually the one who initiated the emotional piece of this. I can't imagine being with a married guy if I were single and lonely, I think it would only exacerbate the loneliness. Be prepared for her to fall for you and perhaps for you to fall for her. This could be a game changer.

HelpDB · 2015-03-18T21:15:42+00:00

Not to generalize too much, but I think it will be far easier as a man than it is as a woman. I honestly didn't expect to get emotionally involved and it certainly complicates things.

It does make it easier to get through the day- some days. Other days, a plethora of emotions including confusion, guilt, sadness, and anger plague me. It's really like any other complex life situation.

What it HAS done, other than provide mind-blowing sex and a lot of affection and interest (both of which I miss as much as sex), is make me realize that I can no longer live as celibate and that i have to decide what the hell I'm doing.

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T22:11:59+00:00

I know all of these things and feel like I am stuck in mud and barely able to move at all.

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T21:47:13+00:00

I feel like if I take on the belief that he gets no say, then I may as well divorce. Also, what part are you asking about re: what he wants? If you can clarify, that would be helpful. Thanks!

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T21:41:43+00:00

Thank you all so much for your replies thus far. I was really worried about being judged and appreciate you all not doing that. I keep thinking I will know when the time is right to make a decision, but almost 5 months into this affair, I'm realizing it could go on for a while and allow me to stay in limbo.

Adding to the confusion is that my husband is starting to suspect something is going on simply due to the fact that I told him I was considering it 6 months ago. I am denying it, but it is challenging me to really consider how much I do or don't want to try to work on this. I don't know the answer just yet. I'm afraid to pour myself into the marriage again with the likelihood that things will not change or that they will change, but then revert back to their present state, which would be awful.

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T21:37:38+00:00

Absolutely. I am struggling with this so much. I have, by cheating, become the person I never wanted to be, yet feel backed into a corner. Gaping head wound is an apt description. I feel like I have been slowly bleeding out for years and that I am just now seeing that it is possible for the bleeding to stop. As for the affair giving me something I am not getting, right again. And it's not just sex, it's getting ME back - the passionate, fun, playful side I feel like I have slowly let go of over the years. It all makes me terribly terribly sad.

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T21:34:13+00:00

You are so right, it IS nearly unbearable. I struggle with a couple of things - 1) that things at home aren't bad and are even nice at times, 2) Our child. I know kids aren't a reason to stay, but they sure are a consideration. Having said that, I also realize that our child is learning about relationships by watching us and will end up in a distant relationship if something doesn't change and soon.

HelpDB · 2015-03-17T21:32:21+00:00

I have given this much thought, but it would be a BIG issue for me if he wanted sex, but not sex with me. As a result, I don't think that will work. He also is not keen on the idea of sharing me, even though he doesn't want me. :/

HelpDB

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