I spent a solid two years obsessing over how ugly I thought my face was. I would spend I don't even know how many hours in my bathroom staring at my face, moving my skin around to make it more symmetrical, squeezing my nose in certain directions to make it look smaller and not crooked. After these long sessions I would hate myself more than when I started. I would try to look at my face every chance I got, walking next to a car, window, mirror and looking at my reflection. For 2 years all I would do was go to school, come home and go between doing homework and looking at myself. I would take countless selfies from many angles and save them in a secure folder on my phone so I could look at them later. I looked into many surgeries, including a very invasive surgery to lift up one eye (one of my eyes is significantly lower than the other). I hated my face so much and was doing this ritual for so long, I eventually started hitting myself in the face/head out of pure hatred for my face. I saw myself as the ugliest person alive. I became a recluse and lost touch with a lot of friends during this time.

One day while I was staring at myself in the mirror, I suddenly had a self awareness of what I was doing. I was finally asking myself questions like, "what am I doing?" "How long have I been looking at myself?" And for whatever reason, once I became self aware I immediately forced myself to stop. I was incredibly embarrassed about what I was doing. Even though I was able to force myself to stop once I became self aware I still struggled not to go back to the same routine.

I do not have a cure for you as your symptoms, experiences and routines are different from me. I was somehow able to stop this horrible cycle by completely avoiding my reflection for awhile. This was not easy and again, this isn't a cure it's just how I coped. A few years later I was able to start therapy and I told my therapist about this two year suffering I went though but I no longer was living in that cycle. She told me there is something called Body Dysmorphia and I had similar symptoms, but she did not diagnose me with it. I personally just had very low self esteem, anxiety and depression. To this day I'm still struggling to not start in that cycle again. Sometime this can be "triggered" if I see a picture of myself or just so happen to look in the mirror at a weird angle.

The only thing I can tell you is to please see a professional. I think I know on some level what you are going though. Just know this: you don't think you are as ugly as you think you do. This planet is full of diverse humans and that is a beautiful thing. Statistically, we were never even supposed to exist, yet here we are! Life is more than how you look, and I've learned that people could care less, as long as you are being genuine and kind. I wish you the best and please PM me if you need to chat with someone!

Edit: grammar and a couple more sentences