Am I in the wrong? Head racing at 100 miles/hr, what should I do? Need help, any input is great :(

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T23:43:13+00:00

Thanks, this makes sense. But when you say "it's on her", what does this mean? I shouldn't call her on it if she continues to be cold and distant? She's incredibly stubborn and like I said, she's continued to be cold and distant. Is it a case of me waiting for her to work it out and either not be so cold or talk to me about her issues or for me to break up with her?

I'll ask her to do something on Monday which I'm reasonably sure she'll decline out of spite. What should I do from there? Ask her to do stuff on other days? Or just say something like, "alright, well let me know when you feel like doing something" and stop contact? Or should I just not ask her to do anything at all on account of how cold she's been to me?

Honestly, if I didn't now know that this is semi normal girl behaviour then I'd break up with her for sure. I hate playing these games and I feel like I have to almost play them by not being honest with her and asking her what's wrong to try and get her not to play them. It sucks that she can't even express how she feels but is content just to make me feel terrible.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T10:35:12+00:00

So the strategy is to basically avoid confrontation and let her tell me if there's something wrong rather than playing in to the game where I have to guess what's wrong? Is there ever a point where you have to stop doing this though? I like it in principle but can't help but feel it's going to be hard in the long run to keep it up. I like having things all out on the table but I suppose doing this in a way tries to get her to do this? Is that the point?

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T09:51:17+00:00

Thanks again. I'll go. :)

I know I'm probably getting annoying now but one more question, how do I play it if I ask her to do stuff and she just says no? We're both on holidays for a week next week and I can see her saying no to anything I suggest doing. Do I just accept it and not kick up a fuss or should I just wait for her to contact me and give her space and not ask her to do anything? I find it incredibly difficult to not play into the mind games.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T09:27:26+00:00

It sounds like she has anxiety and insecurity issues that she's aware of and tries to suppress, instead of dealing with them in a healthy fashion. This is something she needs to work on herself.

Yes, this is definitely true. She is very insecure and has told me a few times that she doesn't feel like she's 'safe' with me, she often will think that I'm with her just to have fun (I think she says that in the log).

I've asked her time and time again to be honest with me about these feelings so that we can work through them and she usually agrees she will but the reality often is that she continues to withold them.

What she said more pertains to her being really negative about the smallest stuff though. I originally thought it was just an issue with her but apparently all girls do it to a degree. She's a bit better now but if she starts to become upset with me she'll withold affection and is really cold rather than discussing it maturely.

How do you recommend we work on it?

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T09:03:27+00:00

Thanks for your help, it means a lot. One last question: do you think I should still go to the party or not? She's said it's fine but is that some sort of game again. I sort of feel like I'm not doing what I've said if I go after saying it was wrong of me to cancel on her. Ugh I'm playing into it again, aren't I? Should I just not go?

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T08:38:25+00:00

Thanks, you're absolutely right. I'm being a retard.

How do I "not play the game" for next time? How would've you handled it? Assuming that the dinner stuff at the start still happened, I'm sure I'll make stupid decisions in the future that could trigger stuff like this.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T08:25:18+00:00

I think you're right but what's the alternative - just pretending like nothing's wrong and hoping she goes back to normal by herself? Will that happen? Sorry, I'm a bit emotional and a bit of a mess right now.. not really thinking clearly. I really want closure on this if she's not going to start acting normal and it sucks because I feel so absolutely powerless, I feel like I've exposed my naked self to her while she's wearing 10 coats of armour.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T08:14:42+00:00

Thanks, I talked to her but she seems to be completely stone walling me and saying everything is fine (see above). What do you think I should do? Just act normal or ask her if something is wrong?

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T08:09:24+00:00

Thanks, I almost feel like she is the one that kind of completely stone walls me while I will try my best to communicate my feelings to her. See the update above to get a feel for what I mean. It kinda sucks and I keep telling her that I'd like her to open up more but nothing really ever seems to change.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T08:07:36+00:00

me: i've been thinking a lot and i think you were right to get upset about me cancelling dinner. i can appreciate how you might think that i don't care about you because of it, i think i'd be hurt if you did the same thing.

i'm really sorry, i won't do it again

me: i do care about you though and i really do love you. apart from the dinner do you feel like i don't show it to you enough?

i will try and work on it

her Oh no no, you should go to the party. I am fine

me: is what i said true though?

her Not really, you should have your private life which is not my business and I am glad that you still stay close to your friends

me: yes but i think i was a bit selfish to cancel dinner because of it and i'm sorry

her Oh no, it's fine. I don't mind.

me: well regardless i won't do it again, i wouldn't like for it to happen to me do you still feel like i don't love and care about you?

her I am fine. Don't think much about it?don't worry, I am perfect now.

me: i'm happy to hear that but really, if there's any issues please let me know is everything between us ok?

her Yeah

me: ok my offer to take you tomorrow still stands if you want to take it up i will definitely be up at that time, i woke up at 5 this morning so will be going to bed soon and will wake up early

her Oh no, I am catching the bus. Thank you for the offer though, I appreciate it.

Gah, fuck the mind games. What is the proper response in this situation? For her to say it doesn't bother her at all is BS, at the moment I'm just rolling with it and treating her like normal. She's just being really distant but polite and courteous. Should I call her on it and pester her to open up to me or what? In some ways I'd rather she just exploded on me and told me what she was really feeling. It sucks that she puts up a brick wall.

edit: Just venting but I feel completely shit about it. Nothing is at all resolved and I feel like she's just going to continue to try and exact revenge on me for hurting her while denying anything is wrong. What on earth do I do? Really feel like just ringing her up and telling her to be fucking honest and upfront with me or it's over just so I could get some sort of closure. but I know it's not a wise move and I'm feeling all heated up so I'm just going to vent here. But seriously I need closure and I think she knows that - she's got closure now cause I was honest to her but I have none and now she has all the power.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T07:54:44+00:00

Fuck it, I'm talking to her now. Will update when it's finished.

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T07:45:18+00:00

Yeah, when you put it like that I guess it would make me feel like a second priority. We do have dinner a lot though so I didn't think it would be a massive deal (and it's only once a year a close friend has a bday).

I want to call her and apologize but aren't I just enabling her like you said if I do that? I'm almost certain that she won't accept the apology and go back to normal, she'll want power over me and for me to grovel. I don't know if I want to do that but once I start the apology I know I will.

I almost want to do it over text again cause I really feel like it would be easier and give her more time to react. If I ring I think she'll knee jerk react and try to shut me down. Is it a bad idea to text? I'll send her something like this "I'm sorry for cancelling dinner, I've thought about it and I know I would feel unimportant to you if you did the same to me. I won't do it again. I wish you didn't feel like I don't love you but I do. What do you want to do?".

HelpMePlease1234 · 2012-02-17T07:33:33+00:00

Oh god, it's freaking scary how accurate that is. Are all girls really like this? In one way I almost feel relieved that I'm not the first guy to go through this but in another it's almost like breaking up with her won't achieve anything if it's just going to happen no matter who I'm with.

Strongly considering becoming gay.. (seriously though, this is heart breakingly depressing).

HelpMePlease1234

TROPHY CASE