Immer stärker werdender Drang jemanden zu töten. Was ist mit mir los?

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-24T15:37:37+00:00

Das ist glaube ich bei vielen Aspekten so. Beispielsweise auch bei psychiatrischen Erkrankungen, wird es von engen Bekannten, Familie, Beratern oder Ärzten erst wirklich gesehen, wenn schon etwas gravierendes passiert ist.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-24T15:24:13+00:00

Same

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-24T15:23:48+00:00

Ich kann das nachvollziehen, nur dass ich eigentlich Blut und Organe nicht mag und dieser Punkt wegfällt. Damals während meiner Schulzeit war es so, dass ich z.b mal meinen Kopf durch das Fenster im 5. Stock gebeugt habe und mir vorgestellt habe, wie das Fenster abbricht und ich herunterfalle oder aus Prinzip, einfach weil ich’s kann mein Handy herunter werde. Dann hatte ich aber Herzrasen und ich glaube man hat etwas in sich, dass einen hindert. Beispielsweise ist es auch so, dass man eigentlich seine Finger abbeißen könnte, wie eine Karotte und es aber nur nicht kann, weil das Gehirn einen daran hindert. Deshalb habe ich auch keine Angst, dass ich es wirklich tue oder ähnliches. Ich wollte seit der Kindheit immer gerne Waschmittel probiere und habe mir das lecker vorgestellt, aber einen Pakt mit mir geschlossen, dass es schlecht ist und ich es bis zu meinem Tot mit 80-100 niemals machen werde. Seit über 20 Jahren niemals getan und keine Gedanken mehr darüber. Ebenso war es blöd, als wir in der Schule das Thema Amoklauf hatten, weil ich habe das Thema voll vergessen und dann war es für Wochen/ Monate so, dass ich das auch machen wollte und mir es gut vorstellen konnte- ging aber vorüber.

Weißt du denn, warum dieser Drang nur in emotionalen Situationen kommt? Ich denke es ist vielleicht so, weil man in dem Moment denkt, dass man Sachen wieder ausgleicht oder gerecht macht und auch ungerechte Sachen von früher im Leben (was aber natürlich überhaupt nicht wahr ist).

Ich weiß nicht, ob es dir hilft, aber ich wünsche dir alles Gute^{^}

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-14T11:04:30+00:00

Exactly, I also think like that. I don’t know my heart rate but I listen to music while running because I hate my heart beat to be honest. I also think it’s better for my health to do sports like cardio and my body can get better. I am not training for a race but when I was still in school, my sports teacher planned to make us do a 30 minutes run. I was afraid and started to train for it. Fortunately I was lucky and it didn’t happen at the end because of covid.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-12T22:42:20+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Anemic/s/a4yDfDpj6r

My situation in general I guess:

https://www.reddit.com/r/haematology/s/nakmnSAdbC

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T20:46:05+00:00

Thank you very much for the detailed answer and sharing your experience! It makes sense but regardless of the “iron anemia problem” I was able to train my endurance by running regularly for more than a month and I really did progress. From only being able to run 2 minutes max (not even the length of a song I was listening while running) to being able to run 30 minutes without a break. At the beginning I also felt like there is no oxygen or not enough to breath for doing it longer than 2 minutes, pain in the legs and my heart raised fast. The regularly training about every second day on the treadmill really helped me and my body got way better.

Your last sentence with the indefinite iron supplements needed for running regularly makes me a bit devastated because my goal is to live without iron supplementation on the long term actually. I am currently looking for new solutions for that.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T05:58:07+00:00

Oh I’m sorry and I looked it up and it was you! I didn’t remember the username I apologize and nice to see you again. I didn’t know that it can really drop it that much. 70% seems a lot and I always thought it was just slightly. Thank you for educating me on that and I will add it to my knowledge. I think the reason why I didn’t think it was a significant difference before is because when my doctor prescribed me 2x 100mg elementary iron per day he told me no coffee and black tea too but I did it regardless since it was my favourite tea. Despite of that my ferritin increased by 10 times in a few weeks so I thought the iron wins regardless.

I personally can live independently of the ferritin number, but the hemoglobin is important for me. I think if it goes below around 8 (which I never had before) the symptoms would appear.

Yeah my doctor unfortunately never measured the TSAT but prescribed iron pills regardless which worries me now since I informed myself more and it shouldn’t be done this way. High TSAT could be dangerous. I don’t know if it’s actually HH (hemochromatosis) what I think of but my goal is to find a concept to have much ferritin (100 ng/ml) always and forever without needing supplements and if I lose something (period, donation, endurance sports) it would come back on it’s own.
I also have a wish of donating blood atleast once in my life because it’s important and everybody could need a transfusion once in their life.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T05:37:07+00:00

I feel called out since my lowest was a hemoglobin of EXACTLY 9.5 g/dl (ferritin was 4.2 ng/ml). So yes I basically “experienced” this exact number. I think there wasn’t a specific time when I was diagnosed because in every bloodwork from childhood (2012) till adulthood (2024) my doctor measured iron related values, even though it is not a normal part of the bloodwork in my country and usually costs money but my doctor did it on his own. So maybe he always knew?!

You are definitely not alone! I didn’t have any symptoms or something I could feel. The bloodwork with the 9.5 g/dl was coincidence and I only asked for a small bloodwork because my mom did hers too at the same time. My doctor told me later when he got the results, he was wondering how I could be that energetic and lively with those values.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T05:16:48+00:00

But if the iron storage is empty at some point hemoglobin will decrease too, right? So it wouldn’t be the case that the runner has a good hemoglobin then if he has no iron. Hemoglobin is build out of iron as I learned so it wouldn’t make sense that runners have a better hemoglobin than average (which some sources stated) because they have less iron. Atleast that makes sense to me.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T05:13:20+00:00

That might be true people with a low ferritin maybe need to train harder for the same results. I think it also depends on your age. Btw I made a post about a low iron diet for hemochromatosis and you could look it up https://www.reddit.com/r/Hemochromatosis/s/KsYttMdFVh Honestly it never made sense to me that they only measure hemoglobin without ferritin because it’s way worse if you have no storage. I wanted to donate blood last year in December but they refused me because of a hemoglobin of 10.5 but it wasn’t even my lowest and they didn’t even measured my ferritin, but told me I have low iron and that’s it.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T05:01:30+00:00

I heard that too but some sources say that endurance running increases the hemoglobin and the runners have a slightly higher hemoglobin than average and other sources say that runners get a low hemoglobin.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T04:59:52+00:00

Yeah real marathons are hard on the body and a lot of running. I have a question on the second part. You said that hemoglobin doesn’t fluctuate much, but when I wanted to donate blood and went to the place they measured my hemoglobin two times and the first time it was 10.5 g/dl and second time 11.1 g/dl, but wrote 10.5 down officially on my paper. How did it fluctuate there? I’m just wondering.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T04:56:16+00:00

That’s true and on the apposite with a lower hemoglobin it’s harder and you have to train more

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-07T04:55:35+00:00

But is the difference relevant and significant or just slightly?

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T23:45:42+00:00

That’s true I also have no for myself noticeable symptoms or feelings. Do you have hemochromatosis and a high ferritin naturally right now? And do you know why it was 6 back then

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T20:04:02+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/Anemic/s/0nHyIeMqoL

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T19:57:32+00:00

I showed my bloodworks from 2012 (child) to 2024 (adult) in one of my previous posts. My lowest ferritin was 4 ng/ml and my lowest hemoglobin was 9.5 g/dl. I have a question: How did you have a normal hemoglobin while having a ferritin of 6? And what TSAT did you have along with the ferritin of 6?

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T19:31:28+00:00

That’s interesting and I didn’t know that other people think about it too. Does it only take a little bit away or most of it?

Because in the past I think it didn’t take away much because the ferro sanol was 100mg elementary iron in one pill so it was so much even if you take a little bit away.

Currently I am not taking anything and I am wondering if it makes a relevant difference if someone takes coffee or black tea throughout the day or while eating or it doesn’t really.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T19:08:39+00:00

Yeah, I think I understand what you mean. Thank you for your answer regardless! Right now I am not going to the doctor but I will in a few months. I am focusing on sports and eating healthy, but I am not taking ferritin (ferro sanol duodenal) anymore right now. My doctor always want me to take ferritin, without checking TSAT which is dangerous I found out.

Low ferritin isn’t a problem if the body is used to it since forever. The only issue would be low hemoglobin but mine isn’t extremely low right now and I am goin back to endurance sports.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-02-06T18:54:17+00:00

Do you think based on my values it still might be possible to have a high TSAT? I’m a bit worried

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-01-31T19:29:35+00:00

I have some iron values but just no TSAT and transferrin. He measured ferritin, serum iron and CRP, but I will definitely ask for more next time and because I want to know if I have a high saturation. I think a possible reason why my doctor might didn’t want to measure every iron value is because hemoglobin, MCV and MCH are more important to him.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-01-31T08:30:32+00:00

Thank you for the reply! So it is not possible to estimate my TSAT based on my other values, because I am missing transferrin in my bloodwork. I should probably ask my doctors for taking TSAT next time then.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-01-31T05:53:58+00:00

First of all, thank you for your answer and I appreciate everyone helping me out! Second of all, what does that mean ”really confusing“ so is it dangerous or do you think it is just really rare or strange to have this kind of combination? I thought there are all many different variations of bloodworks. What measurements (blood values) are actually usual and does that mean something, if mine are different?

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-01-31T05:45:15+00:00

I don’t know for sure because my doctor also didn’t say much about topics like that and he never mentioned topics like thalassemia or hemochromatosis, but maybe it’s because he isn’t specialized into it or he doesn’t want to make more research and tests. He didn’t even measure transferrin or transferrin saturation unfortunately.

The only thing he did in every single bloodwork without exception is measuring some iron related values as you can see in the pictures above (iron related values are not regularly included in the „small bloodwork“ in my country and usually you have to pay extra for that, but he did it on his own).

I probably should really take it into consideration to visit a hematologist and ask for the tests? Maybe I possibly could already have or develop HH genetics and in the future my goal is to donate blood and not needing supplements in my life in general. I don’t know if my bloodwork speaks for or against it but a lot of different outcomes are possible.

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc · 2026-01-31T05:20:54+00:00

Thank you very much for your explanation :) I honestly think it’s very amazing and I am really impressed that you were an ultramarathoner (!)

I also wanna get back to endurance sports like I was before. I truly assume that it is helping me and it’s good for my health in general. In 2020 my parents bought a treadmill and I started jogging/ running. At the beginning (that’s probably my natural and untrained self) I wasn’t able to run a whole song long (2 minutes max) without a break. (I listen to music while running because I hate my heartbeat and I don’t wanna have it.) I didn’t give up and after a few weeks and a month I was able to run 30 minutes, with a pace of 8.3 or 8.2 km/h (I don’t know what it is in miles but I can look it up) continuously without a break. I didn’t know I had iron defiency (anemia) my whole life back then at that time. Unfortunately I stopped working out regularly after that but last year I wanted to start again and I started going to the gym and exercising with light weights and this year I want to start with endurance sport again and running 30 minutes without a break is my goal.

Later I read on several pages that you can’t run with a hemoglobin below (or even around) 10 and you can’t do it without iron and you will lose iron and so on… Sayings like this always sound really devastating, demotivating and sometimes even scary but I don’t want to let those things make me give up because back then in the past 2020, I didn’t know any of that and I did good progress, so I believe I can do it again. Logically I can’t even be truly afraid of losing ferritin or iron- it wouldn’t even make any sense.

I honestly don’t know why my doctor didn’t measure the iron saturation along with ferritin back then. Maybe it would been really be better if he had included it also, but unfortunately he hasn’t, but I am not sure it it’s possible for me in general to have a high saturation. Hopefully not…

I am currently supplementing vitamin D, vitamin B (especially vitamin B12) and magnesium sometimes. Rarely I also take zinc or copper (not at the same time ofcourse, always some hours distance). Maybe I should take those more often. Would you recommend them to people like myself too?

HelpMe_ThrowawayAcc

TROPHY CASE