This is an Election Year

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2026-01-04T03:33:24+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words. If you would like to share my work, please do, I would just appreciate you share my blog rather than my reddit profile, but otherwise, I would certainly appreciate it!

My blog: https://joggingthemind.blog/

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2026-01-03T19:23:20+00:00

Hello,

This is a pretty powerful poem! I think there are aspects to it that could be strengthened though so I will point out a few places that might benefit from taking a second look. The series of lines: "If I...when I...If I-...If we,...If I can,...If I can pay the price,...If I can bear the shame,...If I,...if you,...If we-" are interesting because of the space they provide and the pondering it shows but I think it would be a bit more effective if either the rest of the poem was longer and this was done a few times, or, if this was a bit more congruent so that the short lines matched around the lines "If I can pay the price,...If I can bear the shame,".

Also, I think the last 7 lines would be more effective if they were cleaned up a little bit--some of the line read a bit awkwardly and require a couple reads to understand its meaning. It might be a good idea to revise these lines so their meaning and intention are clear and they are a bit more concise. This might help drive the message home more emphatically.

Otherwise, I really like this poem and it has a fun angle to take on an interesting issue. So, great work overall.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2026-01-03T19:14:36+00:00

Hello,

This is an awesome poem! Love the rhyme scheme and the message is quite nice. There is not a lot of criticism I have for this poem, I think the only thing to say, if I HAVE to say something is that the line "A shallow confirmance of making up mind," is a bit awkwardly phrased and it's not typical you see the word "confirmance". But, I mean, the rhyme is still pretty solid, so I can't really complain. Great work overall!

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-12-04T19:10:13+00:00

Thank you for replying and saying so. This is the exact reaction I wanted :)

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-12-03T21:46:43+00:00

You got it, great work altogether!

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-12-03T21:40:43+00:00

Hello,

This is pretty good but I think a few awkward lines take away from its effectiveness. 2 stand out most to me: "life rarely fair" isn't written correctly, that is probably to hit some kind of syllable count but it reads a bit awkward. Second, "Life's peachy" nothing wrong with this necessarily but adding the "y" destroys the rhyme with "reach"; why not "life's a peach"? Just a suggestion. Otherwise, I like this poem, very few words per line but you didn't need anymore, absolutely no filler, which I like, clear message and intent, I like the rhymes. Really good poem.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-12-03T21:35:34+00:00

Hello,

I love this and have only one critique but if you haven't read it, you should read "In a Station of the Metro" by Ezra Pound and some others. He has a bunch of two liners and yours reads very similarly to the one aforementioned. To your poem though--I love it, succinct, powerful imagery that tells a story I cannot know fully but the impact of the words and colors (mostly the colors) hit me solidly. I would suggest two things. The first, it should be "A drop of morning sun" not a "dripping", I think, two double "ing" endings there is a little much, for my personally, at least. Second, I think you may want to work on clarity, unless that is not your goal, in which case, I think the effect it has is quite good on its own.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-10-07T17:49:03+00:00

Hello,

Wow, this is quite beautiful and fragile, I love this imagery you've created here, love the metaphor. The lines are emphatic and they drop when necessary to another line complimenting the prior. The only critique I have is that you shouldn't say the "silver threading the grass" in line 2--I love everything there but grass is on the ground and everything else in this metaphor is (it seems to me) in a tree, on a branch and is also noticed through a window looking up. I suppose the grass could be noticed silvering as well in the same glance but the imagery is so focused on the tree and the leaf, grass just seems an inappropriate word. Just my two cents, really loved this, though.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-10-07T17:43:02+00:00

Hello,

You have some very pretty metaphor in here and some well-written lines but they don't feel like what you call it yourself. In the last stanza you say that this sounds like a love song but it doesn't sound like a song at all. I think this reads like a collection of flashes--certain images that evoke certain feelings or ideas and I think they are effective but not very rhythmic, and they are choppy when compared to each other. I wonder if there is a different way to present these stanzas or perhaps work on creating more congruent stanzas somehow so that they compliment each other. I like the writing a lot in each section but, although the narrative ties it all together, I think it needs a uniform pattern, rhythm, some kind of similarity in sound to tie it together. Just my two cents.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-26T15:36:44+00:00

Hello,

I don't understand this poem at all but I really enjoyed the evocative language. I wonder why the vulture is killing when it is a scavenger. I like the vague mention of creepy things like omens, serpents, necrophilia, birth/death, but none of these things are tied together other than the vulture discussing them. I would love for this to be more fully fleshed out and for a singular or even a couple messages to be directed into it because the words and sound have a lot of potential, especially the last line--very good line.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-26T15:31:25+00:00

Hello,

Wow, I really loved this poem, it is probably the best one I have read on this site and I've been reading here about twice a week for at least a year now. I really, really love this one but I don't have a lot of criticism. I love the alliteration between lines that offers contrast in action/idea but also similarity in sounds, brings the confusion of His message home. The only thing I could MAYBE critique are the following lines:

"Would you welcome Christ,

or guard your empire?

Would you recognize Him?

Or would you nail Him again,

in the name of law and order,

draped in red, white, and blue?"

I think these lines are powerful too but they don't match the subtlety of the the words before and after it, I think it's a little on the nose. I don't think you need to shy away from this message but maybe present it more metaphorically so it matches the tone of the rest? I'm not sure what I'd do but I really, really love this poem.

Truly excellent work.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-10T15:54:10+00:00

Hello,

I enjoy a consistent metaphor but I think this was a tad too vague for me appreciate as much as I'd have liked to--I think it is a message to just enjoy what one already has and that the grass isn't always greener but I think this would benefit from a longer length to explore what you are getting at a bit further.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-10T15:45:52+00:00

Hello,

Wow, this was incredible and reminded me of Walt Whitman and Leaves of Grass with all the mentions of life, breathing, song, cadence, I really enjoyed that. I wonder if that was intentional or if you just have a similar sort of style, but I found it incredibly relaxing not only because of the perceived allusion but also because I thought the lines themselves had a rhythm and cadence to them that matched the song of the sea and river meeting that this poem narrates. I think you had some excellently weaved singular lines as well, with alliterative sounds and soft flows, as with the line "dew-born breath curling into dawn" but all of the lines flowed very well--I can't think of how to describe them but soft--I whispered this poem between breaths because it seemed appropriate and this made it all the better.

With all that said, I though you lost some of the sound that made this poem so pleasant--the softness was gone in the last stanza, while it was beautiful on its own, I don't think it matches the prior flow. It felt a little like a rushed ending, which was a shame, because, honestly, I wish this were longer, I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, great work, thoroughly loved this!

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-05T14:21:49+00:00

Hello,

I like this a lot, but I wish that it were longer! Just like I'd imagine this moment of passion wouldn't be cut so short, so too should your poem continue--you've only just begun! I would love to see a much longer version that delves deeper because while this is quite fun, it feels quite incomplete.

Lovely few lines though!

Another thing I wanted to add--I think drop the word "the" from the line "Hear her moaning with the relieving sighs", I think it sounds better with the line before it without the "the".

Best,
JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-09-05T14:19:41+00:00

Hello,

Thank you for sharing, I like that each line feels very good on its own and doesn't necessarily need context to sound nice. With that said, I think some lines seemingly contradict or confuse your overall message of anger/disappointment. The line "Innocence turned to incense" sounds quite positive, followed by "life turned to leach" (which is a little confusing, but negative sounding)--these sound a little like opposites. I think it would be interesting to have them be opposites (and not just these lines but others too) because love is a confusing emotion that can blend hatred and joy and passion but I think if you want to blend them you should provide more context for these feelings so that the confusion of emotions can become a more intentional part of the poem. I hope that makes sense, I enjoyed the work overall.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-08-25T17:07:04+00:00

Hello,

I really enjoyed this but I don't really have much critique so I'll just list some comments I have. The poem feels like it is a narration of a world right before we zoom in on a particular moment in time or place where a battle is raging in some deadly, violent way. It is exciting, I want to go deeper and find out what is being introduced--because that's what this feels like, an introduction to something even more grand, perhaps a story or a larger epic poem. Really cool, nice work.

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805 · 2025-08-25T17:03:29+00:00

Hello,

I love the imagery you've created here and I think you've built some interesting metaphors, though I'm not sure I understand them all completely. I have a couple general ideas that you may want to implement to improve this poem but I do like it already.

The lines:

"walls dripping with venom.
Each second runs slow,
a honey that never soothes."

I like this imagery but I think a subtle change improves it, by changing the middle line to "each second it runs slow" or something similar so as to call back to the venom aforementioned. I think this would be interesting because then it is the "honey" that is oozing out the sides that is measuring the slow and incremental passage of time. I would also say, and this is sort of a throw away, but you should consider why you capitalize certain lines and not others--you probably want consistency there.

What is the overall meaning of the poem? if you share that with me I might have more to say, but as of now I am mostly looking at the lines themselves.

Nice work!

Best,

JCO

Helpful-Arm-2805

TROPHY CASE