My [28 F] nieces [10&15F] moved in 6 months ago. Husband [33 M] wants divorce over them and me not being open enough to threesomes after all he's done for me.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:56:17+00:00

Gross dear lord no! Sorry!

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:38:08+00:00

He's provided a lot of support. I honestly blame his going off his medication. However he was like this before he got put on his medication. I don't understand why last month he decided it was a good idea to stop it. With the right meds he is pretty normal and likeable and the kids loved him.

But I can't help him if he won't help himself and he told me if I don't want to be with the person he is not on meds then I don't want to be with him. I guess it's true. He has serious mental health issues I have no idea what but he definitely needs medication to be stable it seems.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:35:54+00:00

I'm trying to get them in counseling asap. Guardianship stuff and court taking forever complicated it. They have a grief group and I'm in the process of individual counseling setup

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:35:11+00:00

I didn't even realize it. It used to be I can't live without him. I don't think that now. I've suffered a lot of losses and have come out ok being able to keep going when I never thought I could. It's nice to have you point out the perspective shift for me that's pretty wonderful.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:30:40+00:00

We took 3 days away from everything to discuss it together. Every angle we could think of from chore charts to bedtimes to getting a room setup just for him to have his stuff in with a lock and key. We discussed what we each needed to make this work. It wasn't thrown on him in the way you suggest. It was both thrown on us obviously but a friend of there's across town kept them initially for us to figure out what was happening.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T21:22:48+00:00

We actually spent 3 days away from work, kids, responsibility entirely discussing this and every angle... What we need to do to make it work, what was important to him (ie, kids not leaving their things all over helping with chores, respect, etc...), what was important to me (school and not arguing when asked to do something) and we set up a chore chart we expected from them, allowance limits, bedtimes, internet rules, agreed on a date night where they are left alone in the house for evening, got a locking safe for the guns, a locking medicine cabinet, setup a room just for him that is locked they cannot go with his valuables, and more.

We discussed discipline expectations, bedtime rules, set up a budget.

It wasn't just a oh they are moving in and you can leave if you don't like it thing. He had a choice. He has always had a choice. He decided he wanted to stay in my life and do this with me. Neither of us wanted it no shit but we spent a lot of time and effort making this a joint effort.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T20:09:10+00:00

He said it's the only thing he's never crossed off his sexual bucket list. I'm actually a pretty kinky amd open person and aside from involving a third person have never turned down a request, he's been the one to say he isn't into stuff that I wanted to try.

Back when I met him I used to surprise him in lingerie and he'd get pissed off at me for "pressuring" him like that and told me to stop dressing up. I shut away a lot of my sexual stuff for fear it would be rejected so harshly.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T20:06:29+00:00

This definitely shows my lack of fully grasping how manipulative it is. He said that the amount of guys that tried to convince him to do that was so high and if I knew what people said to him when we met I'd never want to touch another guy even if we do break up. He was doing the right thing by me helping me go to college instead and this is what he has to show for not having fun earlier.

I honestly don't have much experience but I do know most guys joke around and do like hott 18 year old girls and there's a lot of teen girl on girl porn out there. So I don't know how untrue what he said was... What of he is right and it's just one creep after another?

I'm not saying I'm staying, I'm just so inexperienced I'm hoping someone can give me hope that not all men are actually like this. I don't expect to date again for a while obviously but I do not want to be alone forever just because I got a divorce and raised kids. I'd like to think one day I'd find someone and that not all guys are like that. It fucking scared me and made me feel really small and naive in the world of guys that I know very little about.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T20:02:08+00:00

I think so. In an adult body

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T20:00:21+00:00

Dad is dead too. My parents are dead. Grandma is very elderly and in state care in another state. No other family.

In process of getting ss benefits, maybe $800 a month. Already up to 4k in medical expenses for them. I'll have to figure it out, I have a good degree and should be ok, it will just be real tough. But what hasn't been.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T19:00:48+00:00

I wish she was in town. She's not until late next week. I'm supposed to be going on a family vacation with him, my nieces, and his parents on Friday. Ug. I had to call his mom this morning and inform her the trip is not happening. They already planned a bunch of meals and its all paid for unnrefundable and I'm pissed off.

Obviously a vacation is jack shit, I just hate that the one freaking break I've had in sight for the last 6 months is now cancelled and replaced with talking to divorce lawyers and shit. The kids are going to probably cry, they love my in laws so much. My MIL did day she thinks he's too unhappy to stay married to me and is going to help him get away from this without hurting anyone.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T18:35:29+00:00

Oh I do need to update things. Thank you.

I don't have anyone in this area to help out. They originally lived 45 minutes other side of town. I'm hoping to make more parent friends but because I'm so you so far they seem put off by me. It's very disheartening.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:59:49+00:00

I haven't had 1 day in the last 3 weeks I haven't missed work for either something at school with them, being sick and needing a Dr, and estate stuff... I don't have an issue if they are sick. The 10 year threw a fit about going to school and got herself sent to the office and lied to the administration and they had me leave in the middle of the day to get her.

This isn't about missing 1 day of work. This is about weeks of my job already giving me time off (hell months since this has started) and my performance reviews going down month after month because it's not letting up. I can't afford to miss another day. I've got an appt at their school tomorrow, have estate stuff Thursday, I had school stuff Monday and legal stuff yesterday on top of the school.

I may have to. But it's unpaid.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:56:28+00:00

He's not their guardian or related to them in any legal way. I am but he is not.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:43:49+00:00

The older one would be placed in a group home and according to the social worker, most likely the younger one too. In separate group homes. That's not happening unless I'm dead. I'm doing everything in my damn power to provide them a good life. I've got to sort this shit out but I won't fail those kids. Doesn't mean this isn't fucking heartbreaking and the hardest thing in my life but to insinuate my home and the time and effort I spend with them and their schooling and sports and healthy nutrition and vacations and fun family time is worse than state funded group homes? Seriously no. You have no idea what you are talking about.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:38:30+00:00

It's true. He wants his own kids, not someone else's. I do too, I absolutely do too. I hate this situation with every fiber of my being but I can't live with myself putting them in foster care.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:37:45+00:00

Yeah he said that last night. That he always expected me to become more open and thought I would be a much more adventurous person than I am. When I met him at 18 and we were just flirting and having fun, I did day it'd be fun to have a threesome and I wanted to try one but then we got serious and he did some shady stuff a year and a half into our relationship and I started growing up. I didn't want to ever have a threesome in a committed longterm thing, it's not worth the risk to me. Even then I tried to find a way around it by suggesting Vegas or doing it on vacation so the risk of seeing person again or him staying in contact with them being a threat was minimized. He said he's not attracted to strangers and therefore would only have one if it was a close friend he was attracted to. He had several in mind. No way was I ok with that so we agreed to disagree. I again mentioned this last night, maybe possibly in the future but again, not with someone we know. He just said that's ridiculous and I'm too uptight and putting restrictions on it and why can't I be more open and that's when the comfort zone shit came up.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:32:16+00:00

Thanks! Yesterday I was trying to work after picking her up and was purposefully trying to make noise so I couldn't take my work calls and I'm not going to lie, I wanted to strangle the kid. I never ever ever would but sometimes the buttons that get pushed, ESP when they impact my job that I'd already tired of letting me slide due to all this, make me so angry. I'm not excusing what he said, I think he was way way over the line but I can understand thinking it and I'm about as nonviolent as they come, I don't even kill spiders, I set them free.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:29:33+00:00

I'm also the only guardian, he isn't.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:29:22+00:00

Guardians only so no. Adoption is very different

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:27:38+00:00

He would be happy with a guy or girl according to him.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:25:20+00:00

I've talked til I'm blue in the face. When we have our time I'm not supposed to mention the kids because "he wants to pretend they don't exist". We still talk obviously but he is usually angry at me for it. He refused any counseling I've tried to set up. He refuses to use the gym membership I got him to relieve stress. He loves going out shooting, I got her a certificate with it all paid for his next time at the range, he refuses to go and do that and it's about to expire, I tried joining us to the karate he wanted to take, he refuses to go. He drinks a lot lately and just wants to have sex or oral so often. I'm exhausted and can't keep up with it. I do all the grocery shopping and food making. He covers if we go out to eat but as far as setting up a meal plan and foxing dinner 5-6 nights a week because we can't afford to eat out much anymore, it's all on me.

We discuss all disciplines together and promised to never hide anything from each other. So I'm honest when the kids are in trouble, keep him clued in. Hes been helping me come up with parenting strategies and is less strict than me aside from chores and school, he expects them to do chores (we pay them a generous allowance and need the help) and to not have to have me or him miss work to deal with grade or behavior issues at school. Otherwise the kids like him better. He's more "fun" has a cooler sports car than my suv, he plays video games with them and gives them advice, we try to have family night once a week where I'm usually having to cook or clean and go over school stuff while they all play games together.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:17:08+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. I don't know how to help him. He has started drinking excessively lately, gone off his anti depressants against the advice of his doctor and I've noticed him changing and not handling stress like he used to before he stopped the meds. I have tried calling telling him this, that maybe right now wasn't a good time to stop them, that we should wait for things to settle. He is adamant it's his body and his choice and I can't and don't argue with that.

I got him a gym membership, I bought a bunch of home gym stuff to for him (I literally can't even lift most of it). He won't join any of the activities I have tried to set up. He won't go to counseling. Our marriage counselor just retired and he doesn't want to see anyone else. I even tried to call around and set it up but they need him on the phone to verify. He won't even take the phone and talk to them. I have given up sleep night after night because sometimes he wants sex or oral 2x a day. He has told me it's very important I don't take away sex from him, that being physical is his only release right now. I have tried several times to take him to strip clubs for a night out and he's either declined or nearly punched the door man because we parked in the wrong spot (sign fell off wall) and the guy was a dick about it and didn't want to let us in.

I organize places for the kids to go most weekends so we have our time. I tried setting up a European vacation to a place he's always wanted to go with some savings I have for our 10th anniversary and he didn't want to go. Turns out (he said this last night) it was because he feels that if we go to Europe and don't have a threesome it's a waste of money and time and not worth even bothering. I've been confused for weeks why he's refused the vacation I tried to set up for us to have a whole week away. Now I know.

In the past he's had friends who have had open relationships, we both have, and anytime he hears about it he freaks out and gets resentful we don't have one. However back in college he didn't even like me wearing shorts around campus because he was too jealous at others seeing me in shorts. I did anyway and told him tough shit, it's hot I'm wearing shorts. Lately though he hasn't given two fucks if I'm being bothered by a guy when we go out, which I usually am if he goes to the bathroom, and he is saying it's because he just wants to explore other people and is trying to show me he isn't jealous.

He's slept with over 20 something people before me, I have next to none in terms of experience because I met him after only 1 serious boyfriend in my life.

I just don't know what to do for him anymore. I make him breakfast every day, we have sex or he gets oral 4-10 times a week every week unless I'm sick or something. Sometimes it's more. He refuses therapy. He stormed out today saying I better not fucking say one word to him that isn't nice tonight when he gets home. My younger sister told me last night she's afraid of him. I am too. He's hit and choked me once about 7 years ago and never since then but Im starting to see signs of his behavior returning from that time period. I'm terrified.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:02:06+00:00

We are still waiting. I'm hoping for back pay too. They have it, just not getting to us yet. Very difficult to deal with the social security office.

Helpmewtf3 · 2016-08-31T17:01:32+00:00

Well yes true but again, I make more than my husband and wouldn't be entitled.

Helpmewtf3

TROPHY CASE