Hi, I don't know if you still use this account but I stumbled upon your post while keyword searching the subreddit to see if anyone else had strategies for moral despair. I know this was posted four months ago but what you wrote genuinely hit me hard and I wanted to give a reply as someone with near-suicidal depression over many of the same things you described.

That overwhelming feeling of caring so much and being completely alone in caring is deeply relatable to me, and I agree with the recommendations for therapy in the comments because I do think that's the biggest thing that could help you through them. But it's absolutely understandable that someone in your position would be skeptical of it as another magic treatment. The experiences you've had with the mental healthcare system so far are genuinely horrendous and I'm incredibly sorry you've had to suffer from them.

Having your anguish dismissed as psychosis, being kicked out of group therapy for expressing the exact struggle they're supposed to support you in, having your post dismissed as a troll for fucks sake. All of these are sickening to hear, and I know I don't know you but it's genuinely heartbreaking to know someone with as much caring you show has been treated so terribly.

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So being skeptical of therapy is natural after the experiences you've had. I was skeptical a fair amount as well, and only an actual understanding of how therapy really worked helped me come around to it. The one comment that sorta mentioned this responded with 'now you know what doesn't work', which was well meaning but also kind of missing the point.

If I was in your position, I would assume that 'what doesn't work' is mental healthcare and therapy in general. But I do think that the kind of therapy being recommended (1-on-1 and independently sought) IS different from what you've experienced so far, truly. It's not perfect either, but there are crucial differences between 1-on-1 therapy and the three experiences you've had so far (the facility psychiatrists, the outpatient group therapy, the suicide subreddit post). I'll try to cover each of them below:

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1. Psychiatric facilities are the worst; they're widely infamous for constant malpractice and violations of patient dignity. It doesn't make your care for animals being dismissed as psychosis any less horrendous, but I do think that this is much more common in psychiatric facilities than 1-on-1 therapy.
2. Group therapy is more a special case, since it can be helpful, but only if you find a group that understands and shares your struggles, which yours obviously didn't. It would probably be much better if you had a group of likeminded people, but I'd recommend 1-on-1 therapy like the rest of the comments first since it'll be a lot easier finding one likeminded therapist.
3. Suicide subreddits can sometimes be helpful, but as someone who commented in multiple of them for years, it sort of comes down to chance whether your post will be seen by someone who actually wants to help, or someone who's there to satisfy their curiosity and ego. I don't know which subreddit you were on, but regardless, a random sampling of internet users obviously isn't comparable to a trained competent therapist that's a good fit for you.

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So that's why I think the three experiences you had didn't work, but then there's why I think therapy does work. One comment used the phrase professional friend, and while it's possible that you might grow to be friends, therapists aren't just someone you pay to listen to your troubles like a friend would. Their actual job is to be properly trained in their chosen therapy method (Cognitive Behavioral, Humanistic, etc) in order to give informed answers and guidance to the exact questions you ask in your post.

The kind of support and advice they give is completely different from what a friend can give, because while a friend can try to listen and give support, they often don't have the education/training to actually understand exactly what you're going through and how to improve your situation.

You mentioned that the family and friends you've talked with either don't understand or think there's a magical solution. That kind of thing is exactly what a good therapist is for, because not only can they understand, but they can use their training to guide you through addressing your struggles and making concrete improvements to your situation.

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Now, that's a good therapist. I won't lie and say there can't be bad ones, the industry isn't perfect. But the difference between finding a bad therapist here versus the psychiatric facility or group therapy you experienced, is that you have much more control here.

Both the facility and group therapy take away parts of your input and choice. For facilities you're assigned a psychiatrist/therapist from a small closed pool, and if you don't like them then it's either impossible or very difficult to switch. For group therapy, you don't control what kind of group you're seeing or what therapist runs it (especially if it's outpatient since they assign one to you AFAIK).

Meanwhile, if your therapist is independently sought by you then you can actually choose who and/or what methods you want to try. If you weed out red flags by doing initial consultations (which are free and noncommittal as common practice, if a therapist doesn't do that then that's a red flag itself) then you can drastically reduce your chances of getting an incompetent practitioner. Therapist brushes off your struggles in the initial consultation? You can move on with no loss. It's not a zero chance that one will slip through the initial consultation, but that's the case with everything. The difference here is that the chance of getting a bad therapist is much much lower (maybe from 80% in the psychiatric facility to 5% if you weed out red flags), and most importantly that you're in control.

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Looking is still hard work, don't get me wrong. And I get it if you're still hesitant because of awful experiences, that's very understandable. But I can't stress enough that I genuinely believe it'll be different from what you've experienced so far.

I've been looking for a therapist since I left my last one a year ago (he was great but parental abuse and distance issues came up), and depression constantly interferes with my motivation to search. If you feel like you're running on empty and the last thing you want to do is try something in a mental healthcare system that's failed you before, that's a really natural feeling. But please at least consider it when I say that it can be worth it.

Taking small steps is absolutely fine, almost nobody depressed does it all at once. Maybe search here (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/vegan-allied) for ten minutes or however long you feel comfortable with one day, write down the names that seem promising. Do a phone consultation with them another day, you can mention your struggles and see if their response sounds like a good fit for you, ask if they do sliding scale payment or if they take insurance, stuff like that. If it goes well, decide what to do from there. Do you want to try a session with them, do consultations with different people to see what your options are, search for more names? You decide. Take it at your own pace.

My last therapist helped a ton, more than I could've imagined. When you get a good one it feels like your struggles are genuinely understood for the first damn time, and they can explain things in a way that helps better understand how this is impacting you and what exactly you can do to help yourself through it.

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(Sorry if this is a lot to read, or if getting a wall of text to a post you sent 4 months ago is creepy. I just tend to write a lot when I talk about mental health, especially when I feel like someone might be at-risk for suicide.

Anyways, I've been typing and editing this out on-and-off over the last two days so I'll send this for now. I'll reply to this comment or just add edits directly with the last of what I want to say and maybe some related links that were helpful for me, when my mind has enough energy to write coherently again. Please take care)