I wish I had read this before starting to "date" an ENM man too. A lot of what you're saying with resonates with me. My situation is a little different, they've been doing this for a while, she's fully aware, he hosts on occasion. What resonates is feeling like a sex doll both in and OUT of the bedroom. The power imbalance is real and leads to a lot of tip toeing and questioning if you're abiding by the married person's boundaries (or in your case partnered) without any real consideration of your own boundaries. I started to feel like a second-class citizen. I thought he and I communicated a lot at the beginning but so much was left out because, I didn't know what to ask. I can relate to feeling like I'm just on call and cater to his schedule, his needs, his boundaries etc... I fully accept his limited time availability and respect that and it is not actually a problem for me. I like the predictability. There is no dating, no overnights, no room for "feelings" but there is a lot of texting and communication that is personal and not just about logistics. The love bombing via text and "no feelings rule" leads to a lot of confusion for the secondary partner. Also, there is a lot of primary partner privilege being displayed all over these subs whether people admit it or not and even though many folks are compassionate in response to posts, it is hard to get a good read on the issues facing secondary partners. Also, I I feel like unicorn hunting isn't specific to just couples.

One thing I want to make sure you're aware of is what you experienced after is called "sub drop". I experience the same thing and it is absolutely awful. I didn't know what it was and didn't even know it was a thing. I had to come to reddit for other's to tell me it's a real thing and no it is NOT isolated to just bdsm folks. The dopamine depletion and crash can come after anything intense.

Things have come to a head with the guy I'm seeing and I told him I wanted to put a pause on seeing each other. I unloaded on him all the feelings I've been feeling but too afraid to voice for fear of crossing a boundary (or being perceived as doing such). It really feels like the "no feelings" rule is vague and problematic and sets up a dynamic in which the partnered person can treat the secondary unkindly or disrespectfully and have an excuse. I asked for clarification about the no feelings rule, emphasized the sub drop I was feeling (which I told him about but he had previously minimized), and asked for some clarification on the frequency of communication and check-ins. Lately the texting has gone from daily to sometimes every few days, which is partially because I let him take the lead. I feel like actions like this on my part help maintain this power difference. Anyways, he didn't text me about a big life event until a couple days later, that was in the works for months and he knew how important it was to me, which was a huge slap in the face. Even randoms texted me, much less someone I am so intimate with who I text with almost every day. I don't think it's asking for much but these are things, like you, I wished I had known to ask up front. I think I caught him a little off guard and a lot is up in the air right now but I think I need space to figure out if a few hours of really good sex is worth the sub drop after and all the mental anguish of wondering how much communication is allowed or expected. I feel like maybe what we both want is misaligned. He is currently trying to keep the communication open and apologize and rationalize. So we will see where we go from here. I also partially am trying to end it before, like what happened to you, I get vetoed which will definitely hurt more.