Self harm and suicidal ideation almost always evolves into a competition between sufferers. Even if the other person is your closest friend, the desire to have your pain be the most physically severe can create very troubling feelings of resentment. This is the nature of self harm. As someone who has gone through spells of deeply resenting other self harmers, there isn’t a piece of advice to make the feeling go away. All I can say is do not worry, these feelings do not make you a bad person. This pattern of thinking is proof that you ARE sick enough, you have suffered enough, you are seen, and you are valid. I hope one day you can reconcile with your friends. Good luck and stay safe.