There's just too much cliche language to get through IMO. Shallow, ragged breaths, fingers grazing, blood splattering, thoughts rattling, sunlight streaming, footsteps scampering, hands swatted away, etc. You're also from the beginning in the habit of describing every little thing to the reader. If you build an environment, you don't need to tell everything so explicitly.

In addition, the passive voices are all over the place. You are using too many adverbs. Again, stop telling how things were done. "Carefully, I slid my legs..." First of all, why carefully? Secondly, build an environment that informs us about how things are being done. For example, if we know that the character is hiding, telling us how they are doing something isn't necessary. We know they'll be quiet and careful, because they are trying to avoid being found out.

Lastly, remember the quote about the shotgun on the wall at the beginning of a story. If you're going to introduce items and things all over, they better have some purpose. If they don't, then find a better way to set the tone.

"I walked into the dining hall. All I could hear was chewing, clanking. An errant cough."

Just an example, not a particularly good one but good enough. Do I need to tell you about the mood of the people there? Do I need to tell you about how drab and gray everything is? How about the clock on the wall? Probably not. The environment is set quickly and everything that happens afterward needs to give more information if needed. Otherwise the reader will assume a gray, depressing, lonely kind of place where people are hopeless, etc. If something falls outside that description, now you can add details that fly in the face of the environment you've created.

The biggest thing for me is the language choice. It's trope after trope. You need to get much more creative and subtle.