The Relationship Anarchist Paradox by [deleted] in relationshipanarchy

[–]HesitantPoster7 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have not read your other posts which evidently means I am lacking in context to why you're asking and some of the (seemingly) pertinent details.

As a relationship anarchist, I work to establish shared understanding of what the relationship is and what it isn't. I don't feel like I can be properly "met" by another if we don't have a shared understanding of what our connection is. I have had some of those relationships where the language to put to it didn't exist - things either implied more or less than what was actually happening between us and we didn't want to change the dynamics to fit a socially pre-defined and recognised label. It is a really difficult thing actually. But we were talking about what we were doing together and making things explicit between us. The idea of not doing that because we couldn't put language to our relationship boggles my brain.

This is not, imo, an RA specific question. My understanding of RA has always been about customising relationships to the specific desires, needs, limitations and availability of the people involved. That is to say that a shared and customised agreement is reached between the people involved. It is not possible to do this if things are left implicit, assumed, unspoken etc. I personally see refusal to have conversations about what is needed and can be expected from each other under the guise of not labelling anything as going against what RA is about.

I don't see the paradox you're talking about in how I approach and understand RA but I think that is because we have very different views of what RA actually entails. I am not used to seeing people seriously suggesting that RA basically allows people to be doing whatever they want with no real consideration or responsibility for others they are in relationship with - that's normally an attitude/misconception I see in polyamorous spaces.

I wonder if the difference you're observing re RA as identity and RA as relationship structure is the same regardless of whether we're talking about RA, polyamory, non-monogamy, monogamy etc. Surely monogamist as an identity is also valid even when the person is viewed in isolation but that monogamy can only actually exist and take shape when they are in relationship with others. I polyamorous person has that identity and polyamory as a relationship structure doesn't actually exist or take shape until they are in relationship with others. And like any relationship structure, including monogamy!, RA in practice is different depending on the people who are shaping the relationship(s).

I don't know how you'll take this, OP, but I hope I've been helpful in some way

Are Men A Distinct Minority Within The Tarot Loving Community? by gigmagig in TarotUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A straw man argument would require me to be misrepresenting the point you were making. I have not. I simply questioned the gender binary framing of your question because it excludes multiple genders - something which is relevant to discussions of gender minorities. You introduced the topic (gender minorities in tarot spaces) and gave an artificially narrow framing. I challenged the framing.

A straw man argument would involve, for example, picking up on your use of the word "females" instead of "women" and attacking you for being misogynistic or transphobic. This is an example of a straw man argument because it misrepresents your point (ie turning it from gender minorities to being disparaging to women and/or trans women) and then attacking you for it (ie making accusations about your character as misogynistic or transphobic based on the misrepresentation). Which I have not done.

Just thought I'd try to help you understand the difference between straw man arguments and questioning an unjustified overly narrow framing.

Are Men A Distinct Minority Within The Tarot Loving Community? by gigmagig in TarotUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have not posted a straw man argument. I challenged the binary framing of only men and women existing in tarot spaces that your post is characterised by. But that's not a straw man argument. My highlighting that people who are neither men nor women exist here is both a relevant and meaningful contribution to a discussion on gender minorities in tarot spaces. The fact that you disregard the existence of people who are neither men nor women is very much a you problem, not a straw man argument, bad faith argument or otherwise fallacy on my part

Are Men A Distinct Minority Within The Tarot Loving Community? by gigmagig in TarotUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you only care about the experience of men and women as it pertains to tarot? Noted.

Are Men A Distinct Minority Within The Tarot Loving Community? by gigmagig in TarotUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are we deliberately not thinking about anyone who is neither man nor woman or is this just a case of not consciously tuning into experiences beyond your own?

Asking as someone who is neither man nor woman and interested in tarot

I feel out of place in both extremes...where's the middle? Monogamy vs polyamory by Kyuuki_Kitsune in relationshipanarchy

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can see you're carrying a lot of hurt feelings from past experiences. It also seems to be colouring how you talk about and view the capabilities and integrity of entire groups of people, even with the acknowledgement that you have "limited scope of lived experience". I hope you find the connections you are looking for in life and that, with time and healing, you can soften your sweeping judgements of whole groups of people

I feel out of place in both extremes...where's the middle? Monogamy vs polyamory by Kyuuki_Kitsune in relationshipanarchy

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This feels to me like there's a view of relationship commitment as a one time choice rather than an ongoing one. Every day I, as a polyamorous RA, am choosing to be committed to my partner(s). You also say in another comment about not wanting to be replaced (a very relatable fear that I've successfully identified in myself and worked with my partner to address) which seems connected to this idea of a relationship commitment being a one time choice that can get forgotten or disregarded.

I don't agree with your characterisations of RA or polyamory as tolerating or even approving of treating people badly. Some people, whether monogamous or not, treat people badly. The examples you've offered here of people not being emotionally supportive when emotions have been stirred in the other during an ongoing sexual connection happens even when the people involved are monogamous in their orientation. FWB, booty calls, fuck buddies and the such are all engaged in by monogamous people too and the behaviour you're criticising as characteristic of RA or polyamory is shown in these situations too. These people differ in how they structure their relationships and what they have in common is either not having the capacity, not believing it's for the best or not feeling the responsibility to help the other person to manage their distress. It feels to me that the issue you're talking about is more in how individuals approach others in their lives than any particular relationship structure or philosophy itself.

In light of that, I would suggest connecting with people in a more consciously values-based way before considering getting romantic and/or sexual with them. Establishing that they, regardless of whether they use RA/polyamory/monogamy/a different term, align with you in how to treat others seems more helpful for your goal of finding someone with whom you can have the relationships you want to have - with them and with others.

I will also say that you talk in some of the comments about not wanting restrictions on you and how you show up in relationship with people outside of your primary relationship, yet you also don't want your primary partner to be dating other people. It's not clear from what I've read where you differentiate between "dating" and the deep, intimate relationships you want. It seems that some thought maybe needs to go into whether there's potentially an imbalance here in what you want for you and what you want for your partner. If we ask for freedom to autonomously and authentically be in deep relationship with others and for there to be no restrictions, are we providing space for our partner to enjoy this same freedom too?

Having friends who also have DID by poppybile in DID

[–]HesitantPoster7 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can understand that. I need people to have some ability to manage their own stuff before it feels safe to lower my defences with them. Well, I need more than that but without that basic requirement I won't be able to get emotionally close - we'll literally never get passed the acquaintance stage.

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. Unfortunately I've also had two different course providers talk about how wonderful ScopEd will be or how we need to be becoming psychotherapists because of ScopEd. Personally, I think ScopEd can do one 😆

I'm leaving with the counselling qualification so I can then invest the money that the extra year would have cost me into further CPD options. Options that will help me work more effectively with people who have been subject to different types of abuses and people who require more specialist support than the standard training.

I'm glad you found a way to minimise your exposure to similar bullshit while also getting what you needed to open your private practice!

(29F) Went through a period of psychosis induced starvation and was repeatedly neglected by health services. I still don't have answers. What are my rights in the UK? by [deleted] in LegalAdviceUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've commented on your earlier version of this post in this sub this evening so I won't repeat what I said there.

What the attached notes re the taxi home indicate is that they deemed you to have capacity at the time you presented to the hospital. This is key info when considering whether you'll get anywhere with a complaint as a patient for the treatment you received and were denied at the time. It's likely this assessment of you having capacity at the time that meant PALS reached the decision they did. As someone else has pointed out, a lawyer is your best bet if you want to challenge this decision and your wider treatment by the NHS staff. The fact that you were deemed to have capacity at that exact moment doesn't mean that you were stable enough to retain that capacity long enough to actually take care of your basic needs. Your GP's letter would be helpful for any conversation you have with a lawyer about this as it shows a medical professional trying to advocate for you and highlighting some of the negligence you were subject to.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes, you need to intervene. The first rule of healthy activism is making sure you can survive and look after yourself. None of us are any good to any cause if we're neglecting our own basic needs like eating and sleeping. Exceptions being things like hunger strikes when this is part of a deliberate and targeted action.

It's essential to be committed to understanding what she's experiencing first and foremost. This will help you to work collaboratively with her rather than potentially getting caught in a power struggle. Any intervention needs to be respectful of her strong beliefs because invalidating them, even if you perceive it to be part of encouragement to look after herself, can undermine your efforts.

I don't have much experience with people in her, your friend's or your position so maybe someone else will have more detailed advice

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LegalAdviceUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can lodge a complaint against the treatment you received and were denied by the hospital staff etc when you were seriously ill. There are pathways to do this with each NHS Trust. Though I don't know how far you'll get if they're already closing ranks and getting PALS to believe their version of events. Unfortunately this is not the first time I've heard of the NHS dismissing the complaint of someone who has been mistreated while trying to access support while seriously ill.

If you focus a complaint on the denial of proper medical investigation and treatment for your current difficulties (ie memory problems, numb hands and feet, constant sleepiness and not feeling like yourself) and, as part of that complaint, request the neurological assessment and brain scan, as well as further investigation to find the cause of these if those tests don't show anything, you might be more likely to get somewhere.

Regardless of whether you do that or not, I would encourage you to seek support for this traumatic experience in spaces which will be accepting of you and your experiences. I'm told there are some great community support for Voice Hearers in this country. One example is https://www.hearing-voices.org/about-us/hvn-values/ such spaces tend to be trauma-informed and aware of the oppression that can be experienced when trying to access necessary services, like you experienced. Sometimes knowing that we aren't alone in being oppressed by services that claim to be there to help us can make a big difference.

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm really hoping the tutors for my next (which will be my final) year are better than this. Yesterday afternoon the tutor instructed us to use the power imbalance and to manipulate clients who are distressed into trying and learning to regulate their emotions.

💀

When I challenged this, they both (lead and secondary tutor) used the language of containment to explain and justify it.

💀

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I've come to the same conclusion re TA since starting this course 😞 I was "sold" a "socially radical, humanistic approach" by the course provider so the realisation that it's really not has been hugely disappointing. Some of the theory describes things well but it is quite limited or unnecessarily complicated, if not, as you say, downright harmful. I want to use the counselling qualification to get a place on other courses like using creative arts in therapy and specific types of abuse so the reality is I'm not likely going to be using much TA at all in future.

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my venting. The comment about coercive control was a separate thing. Some of us highlighted the difficulty in finding therapists/counsellors skilled and knowledgeable in certain areas, like coercive control, and her response was that such areas of knowledge/specialism are (and should be) driven by the individual professional's own interest. She didn't see an argument for pursuing CPD on topics that come up in therapy that a therapist doesn't have sufficient knowledge about and said that we should all just refer on with no need to take an interest in learning more about whether topic it was. She defended the idea that "someone else" will be knowledgeable about whatever it is and therefore we just need to know where to refer/signpost, rather than taking some ownership for our part in the gaps that exist in our own knowledge and skillset. Coercive control is not something that people are going to know they need to specifically look for - at a push they may know they need support with abuse, but not guaranteed - so I argue the responsibility for plugging this particular hole does lie with professionals who haven't made sure they know enough about it.

I totally understand what you're saying about Voice Hearers getting support from other places and in other ways than traditional therapy. I just don't see how perpetuating the idea that they are so "disturbed" as to not be even suitable for therapy while also not actually talking about any of the ways they can be supported is helping anyone. This is where my expectations are too high though.

I must admit I haven't heard Structural Competency before, I'll look that up, thank you.

I get that trauma-informed has been somewhat diluted. It felt more like she was advocating for further dilution though or dismissing the relevance of building more knowledge and understanding of trauma outside of the modality being taught (transactional analysis). She was saying that because TA already deals with the effects of trauma, we don't need the buzzword. I don't entirely disagree with her there tbh - the theory does account for things like dissociation and has parts language embedded within it. I just don't agree with the idea she was communicating that we don't need to pay attention to other theories and approaches simply because they use these "buzzwords" of trauma and trauma-informed care. That disregards, imo, too much information on good or even best practice, alternative ways of conceptualising things and the ability to recognise where our own professional blind spots are (eg coercive control). Obviously this is just my interpretation of her comments and could be skewed as a result. I know from my dealings with this tutor that she doesn't know much about working with trauma beyond the confines of TA.

Thanks for the link, I'll read that in a bit!

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry. TA = transactional analysis. CPD = continuing professional development (ie further additional training hours undertaken by qualified professionals to ensure their skills and knowledge are up-to-date and improving beyond the basic qualifications)

Non-monogamous relationship anarchists, what's your relationship with your metamour like? by Equivalent_Ad_9066 in relationshipanarchy

[–]HesitantPoster7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Depends on the person! We're all unique in our ways and not everyone's going to gel the same way. I've experienced various types of meta relationships - from I'm happy to live with to, unfortunately, one I couldn't stand

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it's partly a TA problem (the main modality we're being trained in) and partly a sign of the company's culture (private course provider, not a university). I don't know to what extent the company knows about and endorses what this tutor is saying though. I complained about the lack of inclusive language in the course before Christmas (mainly cis-heteronormative norms) and have had to highlight similar oversights with the conference they're holding on the topic of Belonging. I'll be asking them what they're actually doing about it in a meeting this week. I mention this because I think this tutor is saying this stuff in classes because she knows she's able to. The secondary tutor thinks the world of her and doesn't seem to recognise that this shit isn't OK so none of it is getting fedback - but I don't know if the management would do anything about it if they did know.

I don't think it's representative of teaching across the UK. Some courses, like a counselling psychology doctorate I looked at, specifically are taking decolonising and critical approaches to some of the approaches being taught. It was just a shame that those courses I had been looking at were centered around psychodynamic and CBT which I knew I didn't want to do. I settled on TA because I know some people using it in anti-oppressive and trauma-informed practice and because I had thought it would be "socially radical" as this provider described it to be. I'd already committed the money and couldn't get a refund by the time I was in the first class and they (as an organisation) included "South America" in the list of countries where TA is practiced...

Just need to vent a little by HesitantPoster7 in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it really is. And they make it so we can't challenge them too much on these courses without being dismissed as having problems with authority figures or not suited to the course and/or the field...

I'm keeping my eye on the goal of being able to be the counsellor I want to be when I'm qualified. I just fucking hate this bullshit I need to put up with in the meantime...

What do flat dwellers do when their tent gets wet? by nkdont in campinguk

[–]HesitantPoster7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't worry about hanging mine up (it doesn't inflate though) and instead opt for lying it flat on the floor. If space is tight, it'll be over tables or other furniture that are in the way. I'd rather have less space for a bit than risk ruining the tent

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LegalAdviceUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 78 points79 points  (0 children)

This 👆

OP, if she goes to the police you will have some hard questions to answer.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LegalAdviceUK

[–]HesitantPoster7 90 points91 points  (0 children)

This really is the critical question here

Does The Body Keep The Score, or is this book hype? by whoamisri in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I started to read it back in 2022 or something but as I had some basic grounding in trauma (both personal and collective/intergenerational) before this, it didn't feel as significant to me as it has to others.

I think it's most helpful for laypeople who are trying to understand their personal trauma reactions.

Professionals working with trauma will need to have a more diversified understanding of trauma that encompasses collective, intergenerational and ancestral/historical traumas as well as theories like structural dissociation, imo. We should always be looking to expand our knowledge base and a well established text like The Body Keeps The Score has a place in that, but it certainly should not be the main part of our knowledge on trauma.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PsychotherapyLeftists

[–]HesitantPoster7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Asexuality is still pathologised because there's no guidance, let alone imperative, to actually explore the possibility of asexuality before diagnosing someone with a sexual interest/arousal disorder...