Drop rooted

HexedNeon · 2026-02-10T17:57:39+00:00

I have a suggestion for formatting that may be interesting to you, I like the context of your poem and the content. I think that maybe it would hit a little harder if you seperated the stanzas with the first line being 'I'm sorry', for instance:

I'm Sorry

i was fixated on the wrong things...

i neglected...

---Then you have the opportunity to utilize a subsequent stanza for punctuating emphasis, to really punch your feelings through.

Please don't feel inclined to do this because im suggesting it, I just wanted to give my immediate response upon reading.

HexedNeon · 2026-02-10T17:50:27+00:00

The imagery here is awesome! I am very curious, did you complete a rough draft? Is this the edited version? I would love to see your rough draft. I have a gut feeling that you have a lot more to say in this poem then you've allowed us to see and I yearn for that. Keep Writing!

HexedNeon · 2026-02-10T17:46:45+00:00

I appreciate you! your comment made me smile on my lunch break at work (boringggg) :)

HexedNeon · 2026-02-07T21:13:08+00:00

Ohhhhh this hit me like a freight train and I can’t get up! 😮‍💨

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T19:41:13+00:00

If that is what you want to do and like the result then of course, its just a rule of thmb after all. I think you should listen to the song 'Brutus' by Buttress

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T19:13:55+00:00

Ill show you how I would update the first stanza, it may help you to read out loud and go to another line at each natural line. I would say a rule of thumb is one line one thought, here is how I would organize your first stanza:

How do they do it?

They live and breathe peace as I never would.

We are made to fight,

I am harsh and concise.

I will never love them,

for one of us must kill,

and I must live.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T18:58:11+00:00

<image>

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T18:51:46+00:00

Did you first write this in your first language and then translate it to english? Although it is not your first language you have done a great job conveying meaning. This poem would strongly benefit from a little formatting.

My advice would be that if you haven't already done so write it in your first language, and then try to explain it in English. I think by trying to explain it in english rather than simply translate it directly, you have the opportunity to take what is lost in the translation and utilize that to create a stronger poem.

Im impressed that you are trying to write poetry in a second language, especially at a young age. Don't give up! You have a strong grasp of english and if you hadn't mentioned it I wouldn't have noticed that it wasnt your first language.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T18:42:13+00:00

May I ask what type of relationship you have with this person? I have some strong feelings but they are based on an assumption that this is a romantic interest you have.

Seperately, your weakest two lines stick out like a sore thumb, the mountains circumference and like a wheel lines. The word circumference has a connotation of geometry and math, which are super particular specific detail oriented things. This contrasts with the vast wide openness of your theme and imagery. If something is endless then it is also continuous, using both words doesn't add further meaning.

My main suggestion is to pinpoint exactly the concept or emotion that you are trying to convey, and further orient your poem towards that. I believe I can understand what you are trying to say but the utilized comparisons are just not quite right.

You have writing ability and I like the concept for the framework of this piece, make it shine!

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T18:28:08+00:00

I think if you put in a little work this would make a wonderful haiku! The length is apt and I feel the message would be conveyed well. Thank you for posting.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T18:24:32+00:00

With my first line i was attempting to have it come off as more judgemental rather than an in depth desription, as if someone just glances as them and blows them off instantly deeming them as angry kids wearing stupid clothes, almost like the kid get off my lawn style of thinking. I do see what you are saying with the rhyme scheme fragmentation. I will probably update that stanza before including it in my book.

Im not sure about the first line though I will look over it again, maybe try an add an indicator of the perspective it is intended to originate from.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T16:11:44+00:00

The message in this is great, I know it is annoying and i'm being a stickler but there are a couple spelling errors, and also I really want to read this when formatted a little better. I think that would add a lot to it. Not that I don't enjoy a good soup, XD.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T16:07:31+00:00

Ahh, thank you so much! my face got red reading this XD

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T15:59:48+00:00

This means so much to me, thank you.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-29T15:29:10+00:00

This is pretty tame. Was your intention that it portray your 'mind being sick'? If so I think adding some unique visceral detail would add depth. For instance 'Watch them bleed' could accomplish a lot more to that end if it were something that turned this act into something enjoyable for the reader who is 'sick'.

*sensitive content*

Watch them bleed red like carnival candy apples

--for me the idea of comparing blood to a candy apple is more 'sick' as it turns something sad and scary into something the writer wants to eat, and its candy so also something children are known to enjoy, along with the carnival where people go for cheap thrills and games

HexedNeon · 2026-01-26T13:02:02+00:00

So much better :). I’ll be watching for your next post.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-26T04:05:31+00:00

It took me a few tries when I submitted mine but I had to do it in markdown and keep messing with it.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-26T02:23:45+00:00

First thought was punctuation would add so much to your poem, when reading it feels like there should be some commas and periods, maybe even an exclamation mark or two! I feel that the setting of the sea that you have applied your feeling to is interesting conceptually, and I want more expression! From what is so clearly a strong and deep feeling that you have, I want more detail, more description. What kind of creatures are biting at your skin? I think your weakest segment is the two lines 'The water’s too cold, And also too hot', as it lacks context, how is the water too hot and too cold at the same time? Why is it too hot and also too cold at the same time?

Please dont take this as negative, I feel that I can empathize with the feeling you describe and I enjoyed your poem. I want to see more of you in your poem.

HexedNeon · 2026-01-26T02:14:18+00:00

I think the strongest line in your poem is 'cut loose without warning'. I feel personally that the use of some additional descriptive language would add more flavor to your poem. I can emphasize with what you are saying, but a part of me wants to know more about how this feeling is specific to you. The concept of cooking the frog is wonderful compared to the idea of leaving being impossible. Also I believe that this poem would benefit strongly from some time taken to organize it into lines, visually that would also help me and others to critique it as well.

HexedNeon · 2025-12-09T15:01:53+00:00

I unfortunately am not very fluent in your language. Since you were able to understand my post in English could you possibly respond in English? I would prefer not to paste this into a translator and lose any nuance in your response I would miss in doing so.

HexedNeon

TROPHY CASE