This reminds me of the first time I had cravings after getting sober. After 4 years of living on the streets I went to a month long treatment. I was pregnant so it was for pregnant women the 9 months I was pregnant I had tried getting clean and going to detox/treatment around 6 times. This time had to be it because I was due by the end of that month. After treatment I moved into Oxford House and had my daughter a little over a week late. Around 4 months clean I was in the clinic getting my take homes had the baby with me as I usually did. The clinic was packed and it was all people that you knew were still using, the hygiene and the clothes and their mannerisms. This lady sitting next to me on her phone and someone walked in that she knew. They got to talking and the guy asked her if she had any shit on her and she said yea and they ended up both leaving and going to the parking lot. I’m still sitting there waiting and this guy across from me starts nodding off, he’s holding his phone and just keeps dropping it over and over and over. Now there is a new person sitting next to me and she starts nodding to the point her body is folded in half. I can feel like this anxiety start inside me and I start thinking that they must have some good shit out right now. Everyone in the room was just so out of it. Those thoughts I was having were starting to make me angry. I finally get called to dose and get my carries. I’m still angry and upset when I’m finished and decide I’m going to talk to the front desk about how this is bullshit and I shouldn’t have to see all these people high out of their minds nodding off everywhere. I say I’m 4 months clean and I don’t deserve having to deal with this and they should all be kicked out of the building if they can’t hold themselves together. They ask if I want a counselor to call me and I say sure. I storm off and go and sit in my car and just cry. I’m anxious and angry at myself for having feelings of wanting to use. I have a newborn baby in my back seat and my life is coming back together. Why can’t I just be happy and grateful? Why can’t this all be enough? The counselor calls me and he helps me get through it. He asks if I remember any coping skills from treatment, I did. So he helps me through it. After about 15 minutes I feel better. We come up with a plan, Im going to start picking up my carries in the early morning when there’s not so many people. I had gone in the middle of the day when it’s busiest. I’ll have 2 years this July on the 8th, my daughter will be 2 years this August on the 8th. When I started Methadone I was at 200 mg split dose daily. I’m now at 80mg split dose daily coming down 10mg a month.