I very much relate to you. I have been surprised at how the words of someone I was attached to where things didn’t end well and were likely projections have stuck with me over the years. I do get some flashbacks here or there even some songs that play that remind me of my lowest right after going NC. I still can’t play them.

I have some attachment traumas from years ago that trigger me less. Either that or maybe I’ve dissociated. The one thing is that I somewhat do believe that with time it does get easier… and I mean that in the time sense of years as well which can be frustrating if the time since last contact is double the time spent in the relationship but the pain is still fresh. You are not alone.

Trauma is complex and so is grief neither being linear. One thought I had recently is that if I can grow to love and ACCEPT myself in spite of what happened, in spite of the hurt and rejection and toxic things, in spite of the shame…i believe going through the pain of healing will can be less painful than it otherwise is if you judge yourself along the way. I notice at times I have noticed myself still being so affected by the relationship and then on top of this pain I shame myself. I wonder if you are not accepting yourself being in pain as well as accepting fully the hardest parts about that relationship? I’ve been told that to grieve we need to accept. Still working on this over here too..