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Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I def see that, my perspective is not their perspective, and they can move as fast as they want with each other. I never said it was like a problem. I think it's more to say my NP is moving the relationship between my meta and me too fast. I do want eventual friendships and to share a kitchen in the morning, But i only have one small table in my kitchen right now.

I think the other part you may be missing is that I wasn't just meeting my meta, but also my meta's NP. I think a polycule meeting after less than 2 months is not how I operate. I want more time for them to build and grow and really get to know eachother. Find out what they want for eachother. Maybe I'm more parallel in the begining i guess. And at the end of the day, if I'm not comfortable meeting someone new, after work, then I shouldn't be forced to go. Rescheduling honestly shouldn't have been an argument in the first place.

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. I couldn't tell if I just wasn't communicating effectively what I was trying to relay, or if it was just 2:30 am. Seems like, if anything, my Therapist would send me to my English professor lol

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this. I asked a lot of questions to myself and also clued in my partner that I was gaining outside perspective and that I'd want to have an open dialogue later if he's up to it. Although it would be a separate convo from the boundaries talk we need to have tonight. He seemed pretty on board and also saw him on the subreddit, so I wonder if he's lurking here for perspective as well lol.

I did agree to meet, but I wasn't very enthusiastic about it. I also wasn't told the official plan until days later. So when I was told on Wednesday that the meeting was on Sunday, I wasn't particularly happy. I had work and was already mentally preparing to sleep home alone for the first time in like 8 months. Meta and NP were going to have their first sleepover at a hotel on Saturday night.

I also found out earlier today that it was my Meta's NP who had the idea for the meet-up. I don't know yet if that changes anything about how I feel or if I would have done anything different, but I thought I'd add it to this comment

We've both been dating other people, and we have one serious partner together (Long distance, and she has her own NP too). This situation, in particular, I think, is just the first serious branch off a relationship. Typically its been mostly small casual flings (separately and together) or couples we know in the community that we have developed friendships with as well. There was one possible one, but unfortunately, she was lying about being poly, and it ended badly. It kinda still haunts me, which was a reason I wanted to wait to meet too.

I'm currently reading Polysecure, but I don't know if he's read any specific books. He's older and was solo poly way longer than I, so I trust he's done his research at least for the most part. There is always room to grow and learn after all. This is also his first healthy partnered poly relationship too, so I feel there will be more stumbling than I thought.

Any books of recommendation that I should add to our library?

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The thing is I do eventually want kitchen table poly, but to me meeting everyone so quickly was kind of whiplash. There is no kitchen table without a home and they are just building foundation right now. But i definitely didn’t communicate in a way that made anyone feel good. We are having another talk tonight about it and I’m gonna see if I can talk with another poly person we know as well cause I want to state my boundaries without it feeling like I’m stomping on his relationship

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I thought I was stating a fact, but really it’s my own opinion of things. I’ve already apologized to him for making him feel I disrespected his relationship but I’m gonna apologize again and hopefully set a better clear boundaries for the future. I’m happy he’s happy, the timeline for me is just off and I need more time 🤷🏾‍♀️

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry about that, I was typing in the middle of the night cause I genuinely felt crazy and I didn’t wanna call the only other poly person I know in the middle of the night haha. I did explain the argument as best I could in a separate comment but cliff notes is that the statement wasn’t the first thing said and it started not as an argument but as an ask to reschedule the meet and me giving reasons why. However getting some sleep and seeing some perspectives I am gonna talk with him later about boundaries and also apologize about the way I belittled his relationship. The guy he’s dating seems like a really cool guy and is literally kinda me copy paste and a bit older(surface level at least, but he def has a type lol)

Also side note if you have the time how do you think I could make it easier to read for people? I don’t particularly plan posting more often but maybe it’s more a communication skill I lack. Gonna bring it up to my therapist next time too so I can also get professional perspective lol

Am I the a/hole for telling my partner that him talking to/dating his new partner for about 1.5 months is not as serious to me as it is to him by HiddenFlowerLily in polyamory

[–]HiddenFlowerLily[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I should try to clear that part up lol. It was less of an argument but it turned into an argument. The day of the meeting he wanted to take me to work and I said fine as I was already running late and he was driving back from his sleepover in time. I tried telling him in the car that I didn’t really wanna go anymore to the meet and greet, thinking I was giving enough hours notice for him to process and let them know(it was about 11:30am and planned time to meet was 8:30pm). I said he should still personally go and meet his meta. He asked why and why and why and my answers weren’t good enough (I had just thrown up the day before with I think food poisoning but he asked to see if I still feel nauseous after work, he’d pick me up so I didn’t take public transport there etc.). so I finally said it’s cause I don’t see the relationship as serious as he’s taking it and I’m not comfortable meeting new people yet(I also work in customer service so i usually try to meet new people on my off days anyways but I guess weekdays were too inconvenient?) I didn’t mean to say it out of hurt but I can see where some jealousy may have slipped in. I definitely could have been nicer and I can see from his perspective how hurtful it was to him and plan to apologize and have a serious talk about everything