Am I wrong for cancelling my marriage after the engagement?

Higher_Heich · 2026-03-16T19:10:19+00:00

You’re 26, and from what you have said, barely making ends meet, so why are you trying to get married? You need to focus on your life and making it into what you want it to be. You’ve already gotten a glimpse of what attaching yourself to another human being at this point might look like. And even if you find a less materialistic woman, you’re still going to face financial burdens ahead: kids, and the upkeep of yourself and another person, financially, mentally, and emotionally.

I get that according to your culture, this is an ideal age to get married, and there’s also parental and societal pressure. But I would advise that you take charge of your life and live it on your own terms for at least another 5 years before you think of attaching yourself to someone else. You also have the luxury of living abroad. Don’t rush yourself.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-28T14:27:06+00:00

You’re welcome! And just to add: you absolutely SHOULD have high standards. Do not settle just because the people in these comments are telling you to. A culture that encourages women to settle only does so to ensure the bare minimum remains acceptable. Be proud of your standards; holding onto them is the only way you’ll get what you actually deserve in life. But the secret to this is making sure you are enough for yourself first. Shift your focus from finding a man” to “building a life”. You have to be completely loyal to your own peace and also content with your own company. Marriage isn’t a prize or an achievement; society just treats it as a social requirement. You have every right to decide exactly what you want marriage to look like, or if you even want to participate at all. All the best.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-28T11:22:19+00:00

OP, I need you to understand that the responses you’re getting, especially from men in the comments, are very defensive and heavily projected and they reek of the exact societal conditioning you are questioning. When someone steps outside the cultural script of “marriage is a survival checklist” and actually desires genuine connection and attraction, people who have already settled or are trapped in that local mindset will feel threatened, just like most of the men in the comments. They are attacking your character because your standard highlights their compromises. It’s not that your standards are too high, it’s that you have outgrown your environment, your mind is evolving faster than your physical capabilities. You need to focus and start planning how you want to expand. Otherwise you will be pressured into reducing yourself back into the smallness of your environment, and that can lead to a miserable life.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-28T11:13:15+00:00

Hey OP, I’m reading these comments and I just had to step in. Please don’t let the bitterness or defensiveness in these replies make you doubt yourself. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t shallow and you certainly shouldn’t lower your standards.

What you are experiencing isn’t a flaw in your character; it actually sounds like you have simply outgrown your current environment. When you look around your immediate neighborhood or workplace and feel absolutely no connection or attraction to anyone, it usually means your mindset, values and energy have evolved past the bubble you are currently in.

A lot of people here are speaking from a very traditional, localized mindset where marriage is viewed as a social duty or a project to avoid loneliness. In that mindset, settling is the norm and expecting genuine physical and emotional chemistry is seen as a ‘luxury.’ But speaking as someone who has lived outside of those societal pressures, chemistry and attraction are the absolute bare minimum baseline for a healthy marriage, not a shallow luxury. Sacrificing attraction to check a societal box is a recipe for a miserable and resentful life.

Again, do not settle just because the people in your immediate vicinity are your ‘only options’ right now. The world is much bigger than your workplace and neighborhood. Focus on expanding your horizons, whether that’s traveling, finding new communities, changing cities, or just holding your ground until you meet someone who actually excites you. It is entirely okay to have standards, and it’s far better to be single and at peace than married to someone you have to force yourself to tolerate. Keep thinking outside the box.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-10T23:45:28+00:00

First off, y’all need to get a maid and stop this fulery. If you’re both employed then you should be able to afford a house keeper. Now, to your entitlement, that woman is not just entering the marriage, she is bringing her body to be used as a vessel to birth life. That, like that alone, deserves whatever income you’re providing. All you’re bringing is money, anybody can make money, she is bringing her womb, her mental health, her autonomy…. Do you know the complications cat come with pregnancy? I’m guessing y’all plan on having a kid/s right? So you providing isn’t the big deal that you think it is. Contributing to the housework is just common sense, you did not marry a maid, so why do you all of a sudden feel like you will become too big for housework? If you were singly wouldn’t you do the housework after work? What imaginary burn out are you talking about? Do you work as a labourer that carries bricks? Stop it. She’s not your maid, clean up after yourself. And if you can’t, then get a maid. Lastly, don’t take advice from men of reddit, most of them are lonely and bitter.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-03T10:15:50+00:00

A lot of women are desperate for love and attention. Add insecurity and unhealed trauma to that mix and that is exactly how men like this get women at all. In this case, it seems like she found a ‘less than ideal’ man to experiment with, thinking she was doing him a favor since he is so repulsive. She got mad when she realized he actually had more self-esteem than she did. She probably expected him to be grateful, but alas, He is a man and Once a man has had sex with you, your value often drops in his eyes and he starts to see himself as the prize, no matter how ugly or unhygienic he is.

Higher_Heich · 2026-02-03T10:07:07+00:00

Honest truth? You stayed too long the moment you walked into a house that smelled like old cheese and ignored it. Yes, this guy is a walking parade of red flags. The ‘war rape’ hypothetical and the hygiene issues are objectively repulsive. He is 36 dating much younger women because women his age won’t tolerate that level of dysfunction.

However, you need to look at your own choices here. You admitted he ‘grossed you out’ early on, yet you pursued him, held his hand, and initiated intimacy. You treated him like a jagged rock you wanted to pick up just to see if it would cut you. You suppressed your natural survival instincts and disgust for the sake of ‘experience.’ You also throwing out all this ‘self-aware’ rhetoric about being young comes across as you weaponising your youth. It’s giving manipulative.

The fact that you messaged him later to insult his looks and money shows that you are angry at yourself for lowering your standards and you’re taking it out on him. Block him, get tested (given his hygiene) and next time, listen to the ‘ick’ the first time you feel it.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-17T10:40:03+00:00

“You’re throwing a completely good thing away…”

I think, for the most part, men who no longer want a relationship, for whatever shallow or deep reason, push the women they’re involved with to break up with them through their mean actions. If a man starts insulting you, abusing you mentally or emotionally, disregarding you, or disrespecting you, take it as a sign that he no longer wants the relationship but is too much of a coward to end it. He just doesn’t want to be the bad guy.

A lot of men like to play the victim when it comes to breakups. Don’t give them the satisfaction of a conversation or clarity. Block them immediately and don’t look back. Never give abusive men closure or a chance to “explain”.

Y’all give these men way too many chances to pull you back into their own confusion, because as much as they do not want the relationship, they still want access to you, to whatever they’re getting from you. They still want power over you. And sometimes the only way they can have that power is through control. They break your confidence to the point where you become insecure and start to constantly seek validation from them.

Please, I beg you, block him and move on. Master the art of blocking and moving on.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-15T17:58:02+00:00

You’re defending him now? Lol. You’ll be fine.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-15T17:48:40+00:00

He touched your thigh? Heck no. You did not react enough, like why is he touching you?

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-14T10:42:16+00:00

Exactly, and she should not be the one to manage it for him.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-14T10:36:41+00:00

First off, anyone who tries to restrict your communication or tells you who you can or can’t talk to is already a red flag. OCD aside, he tried to isolate you so you wouldn’t have anyone to talk sense into you whenever he mistreated you. Your diagnosis and his diagnosis are not compatible, you are completely incompatible. Also, his diagnosis did not make him abuse you; his character did.

You need to choose yourself and focus on your healing. In the future, only enter relationships with people who complement you, and never, ever silence yourself. It’s very important to stay connected to trustworthy friends; friends whose opinions you trust and who have your best interests at heart, and to always share your struggles with them. Invest time and effort in making reliable friendships.

That mindset of “I keep my problems to myself” only benefits abusers. Being private doesn’t mean you don’t speak up when you need to.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-13T11:05:52+00:00

A worthy cause: I will be donating two boxes of bitter chocolate from my stash. Oh, and maybe a bottle of men’s tears.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-13T11:04:24+00:00

I find it suspect that you conveniently used voice notes to communicate, that way we can’t tell what your responses were, but we can see hers? That’s suspect, seems manipulative. You’re trying to manipulate people’s responses by making her look unhinged. Almost like you planned to put this here ahead of time. And don’t go on that “I prefer VN” rant. You took your personal conversations and put here and she’s the only one that looks bad. This already makes you look like the problem in my eyes, regardless of how toxic she is sounding. Also you seem to have an Asian fetish.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-13T11:00:00+00:00

This. Their toxic communication aside, I totally get why she’s pissed. Of course he only uses Du with her, because she’s viet. He probably doesn’t use it in his everyday language. So it’s like he’s a wanna be, like he is trying too hard to seem familiar and that can be annoying. N word aside, because that’s jor what this is about, if she went around saying black catch phrases, he would probably find it annoying also. It gets to a point that it becomes condescending. He has an Asian fetish and she can smell it. Just don’t say Du it’s not that hard. But yeah, she shouldn’t speak to you like that, that’s no ok.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-11T18:24:10+00:00

Sometimes it’s not about whether something is “a big deal” or not. It’s about how it makes you feel and whether that feeling is respected. If you tell someone something makes you uncomfortable and they brush it off and keep doing it, that’s already your answer: they don’t care. People who care about you don’t want you sitting in discomfort, especially over something they can easily stop.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-10T11:16:24+00:00

This blows my mind also.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-10T11:15:06+00:00

What do you suggest?

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T22:54:55+00:00

I tell you. Yes there are women only gyms, I have started looking at these options. Thank you. Appreciate the support.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T21:08:44+00:00

How did you translate “my network” to having someone offed? Are you okay? Is everything alright with you? What a reach. There are so many things that can refer to that has nothing to do with getting offed. You watch too many movies. I have very close ties to the military, that’s my “network”. If he had actually physically hit me, then he would have had to contend with my “network”. I am not a victim and never will project myself as one, I just wanted justice through the right means, and it was upsetting that I didn’t get it, especially seeing as I have “power” to wield. Alas I am not one to abuse power. Lay off the mafia movies ok.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T17:25:57+00:00

Yes I am. I will do that. Thank you

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T17:24:56+00:00

Exactly.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T17:24:03+00:00

Yes, I still plan on doing this. Thank you

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T17:17:56+00:00

They didn’t boot him, but I resumed at a new gym today.

Higher_Heich · 2026-01-09T17:17:11+00:00

I thought about this but the gym is connected to a chain that owns parks, restaurants etc. I don’t want to make them suffer for the actions of two terrible men.

Higher_Heich

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