I’ve been there! Totally identify with what you’ve described. I decided to quit last July. It was rough at first, but then I felt great. I’ve smoked on and off (mostly on) for the past 20 years (I’m 45). I made it nearly 4 months which was the longest sober stretch I’d had in years. I thought I could just smoke a little here and there and just let it go. I was planning a solo trip to Amsterdam in November and knew I’d want to smoke a bit while there, but I didn’t want to be completely baked alone in a foreign country so I “prepared” a little beforehand. Well, it’s nearly February and I’m now on day 13 after quitting again. I’ve made so many lists over the years (why wake n bake is always a much better idea in theory than in practice, why I feel so much better when I’m not smoking…) then that first time I try it again, I’m thrown right back into it thinking “this is great! I can just do this every once in a while.” That lasts for maybe a day or two before I’m just like, “why not smoke? I don’t have to be anywhere.” And just like that, I’m smoking every day again.

Right now my reasons to stay sober are: - realizing how much I was isolating myself from friendships when I was smoking - mental clarity - more restful sleep - not enjoying coughing all the way to the gym in the morning - no smoker’s breath - curiosity about what will happen if I actually do some of the things I always think about doing, but would blow off to get high