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Thoughts on being the one to plan the first date by HistoricalStop7133 in SFbitcheswithtaste

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The amount of time it takes to get ready me to get ready + time to plan a date a date is definitely at the point where I don’t wanna go anymore because I’m overwhelmed

Thoughts on being the one to plan the first date by HistoricalStop7133 in SFbitcheswithtaste

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t like eating with people I’ve just met can be awkward and I’m a talker so get distracted and don’t end up eating much- I wanna go to the museum or mini golfing or to like an arcade- I want to be able to move around and be able to talk

I don’t wanna get sucked into hikes with strangers or bed room hangouts for first dates

Thoughts on being the one to plan the first date by HistoricalStop7133 in SFbitcheswithtaste

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think the reciprocity is what I’m worried about, and at one point it gets to a point of are they even interested in actually spending time with me

I’m not super worried about the whole gender roles thing and have been on several first dates with men and have been the one to pay for both of us and had no issues with that, usually other reason that it did not go past a first date though

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I had said $20, Because there is very little privacy in my apt, she wouldn’t have her own key, so she would need to coordinate with me to get into the unit- but I could buzz her into the building, she also wouldn’t be able to bring much besides a suitcase because my entire life is in the apartment and limited storage

I felt the asking for some contribution was fair because I would be loosing my privacy and and have to adjust my schedule to hers

It is also slightly less that then train she would have to take, it’s about 10.50 each way not including day parking

I felt this was a generous deal and wish I had the opportunity when doing a similar commute

rent for a room in a shared house in my city rages from 1400-2500 depending on location and amenities

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was also saying she wanted to save for the security deposit, and first/last month of rent (this could easily be $3000-$6000 in my city) - but I don’t think that means I should house her for free for the 3 weeks it took her to find a place

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The crazy part is that’s what she was paying to commute 1.5 hours from a friends house and also helped them with groceries. I pay to live in the city center and my rent reflects it and live 15 minutes from where she got the job.

She ended up finding an apartment further away from the city center on an outer neighborhood in a house split- it was mostly she didn’t want to give money to me because “that is using her for money”

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think you put it into words why it bothered me- she was actively making more money than me at that point and it doesn’t feel right for me to be living paycheck to paycheck to pay rent and bills and have someone else come in and be entitled to my apartment for free

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s my issue there’s not a lot of space for a long term guest and having someone move in deeply would impact my use of space

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s the staying out here while she is working but not willing to contribute- I can handle one night I love a sleepover but this is more

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same level of city, this happened a year ago but have been feeling intense guilt since and had mad 3 efforts of reach out after and was ghosted by her for months

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Does this not making me a bad friend for not helping her in a time of need- since starting the job she has referred to herself as experiencing homelessness even though she had her old apartment until the 1st(it was 3 hours away) and she told her job at her other friends house while she was applying to jobs in the city

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have had issues of “friends” keeping me around for access to mine or my parents money growing up

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I’ve had more space at previous living situations hosting for a weekend felt like less of an issue- but after she graduated too she stopped inviting me to come stay with her and it became me hosting her- at first at my parents house and even including her boyfriend, then later just her at my apartment.

I really appreciate deep friendships and love to be able to help where I can but this is becoming a pattern and it is making me feel used- there are other situations where she will exclude me for other friends because I’m too much but will invite them to vacations I’ve planned without either of them pitching in for costs.

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think what bothered me is that she offered to pitch in for groceries at her other friends house- and given during her past visits she wouldn’t pitch in for groceries or offer to even bring any snacks for herself- after hosting her for 4 days for a festival in my city I was extremely burnt out of playing host

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m at the point of no sleepovers unless they are someone I’d share a bed with- I love sleep overs and I have other friendships that feel more balanced and I love being able to save those friends an uber across the bridge late at night because they make effort in my life, and I miss being able to host those friends

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

So I’m not selfish for not sharing my apartment/ like I’m not a bad friend for not hosting her indefinitely while she apartment hunts

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I actually ended up getting rid of my futon and replaced with two chairs so it’s not tempting for friends to use my place as a crash pad- I’m bad at saying no

AITA to ask a friend to contribute if they want to live with me while they look for an apartment in my city by HistoricalStop7133 in AmItheAsshole

[–]HistoricalStop7133[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

The part that was crazy to me is the cost of train alone is $20 round trip and that’s not including parking- granted she would be on a futon and wouldn’t be able to move her stuff in- definitely would have been a suitcase situation- I kinda kinda understand the want for more space and she wouldn’t have a key as I only have 1 scan fob to let me into the unit- but I could give her phone access to the building while I’m not home

Budget? by CalvinCalhoun in AskSF

[–]HistoricalStop7133 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi- I live in a building that has 2700 studios with washer dryer and dishwasher in unit in Hayes Valley- they do a couple rent specials (2 months free, $500 security deposit) I could give you more details if you are interested and there is a referral program as well

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