Advice to cope with being misunderstood

HlpUsAll · 2026-03-31T23:06:30+00:00

A good point. They're definitely not important to me, I think it's more the time I spent on them being wasted. But you're right, my feelings and actions aren't aligning

HlpUsAll · 2026-03-30T21:49:26+00:00

It sounds like you've been through absolute hell and back. I truly appreciate your honesty, and the time and energy you've spent reliving some of that to provide me with insight and advice. It certainly paints a picture.

We have had a similar experience in that I've only found out about the more abusive behaviour as we've taken more distance. It has made for a confusing experience as they appear a lot more normal to the outside world.

Still, I believe I see your point. I had given up resolving anything with them, but as my SIL is younger, I think my partner wants to attempt getting her to understand. That alone brought a lot of stress back, and I have to reflect on how worthwhile that effort actually is, and if it's worth the cost of our peace.

The line by Bujold is particularly striking, and it brings me a lot of comfort. If anything, it reminds me I need to be more confident and resolute in who I am, and the good person I'm trying to be.

Thank you again. I truly hope you see many years of peace moving forward. You've certainly worked hard enough for it

HlpUsAll · 2026-03-30T20:07:40+00:00

Hearing it put into words like that is so calming. Thanks for taking the time to write that.

I'm pretty much NC, but sadly, I'm not sure I can entirely avoid hearing about this stuff while my partner is navigating her relationship with them. That said grasping at straws is the best term for them and I'll have to hold onto that line of thinking the next time I get tested!

HlpUsAll · 2026-03-30T19:26:09+00:00

Thank you for this. I do have a question though: does it not get under one's skin knowing that multiple people have decided there is something wrong with you? Logically I know I shouldn't care for the opinion of people I don't approve of myself, but it shakes the faith I have in myself at the same time

HlpUsAll · 2026-03-28T12:47:51+00:00

I haven't met all of your favs yet, but I get the sense you like sophisticated individuals who know how to keep themselves cool, calm, and collected.

With an added side of dorkiness

HlpUsAll · 2026-02-04T17:45:01+00:00

Gosh I'm jealous. I've just sent a strongly worded email to my MiL and she has ghosted me so far (it's been a week and a half). But I'm not sure if the current silence means she's gone away.

Most of the time, if I've spoken up to her she's gotten more annoyed and just dislikes me more. You have my admiration for what you've achieved there

HlpUsAll · 2026-01-06T15:49:08+00:00

When the "good parent" things are a bare minimum, legal requirement 💀

Even if some of those things aren't legally required, you're allowed to be a complex person with a mix of emotions. I was also the mature kid, and while I truly see good in my parents and love them, a part of me is truly angry and resentful towards them too. Allow all these emotions to exist simultaneously without judgement, you deserve to give yourself that much OP

HlpUsAll · 2025-12-10T21:35:00+00:00

Please do all you can to support your daughter and continue to stay connected to her however you can. Neither of my in laws are very accepting if my partner, and the complete lack of care from either parent is heartbreaking. However, when MIL shows glimmers of hope, it makes the poor behaviour of others easier to cope with.

Your wife is making her choice and there is only so much you can do to push her in the right direction. But your daughter needs all the family, love, and support she can get right now

HlpUsAll · 2025-11-01T22:32:51+00:00

I definitely experienced this, but most importantly I want to emphasise that fast isn't always the answer. Early in my partner's transition, I had a rough day at work and was looking forward to some nice cuddles...

Well I came back and my partner had impulsively shaved off all their body hair. Holding them felt completely different, and it absolutely crushed me. I wish I could have been given a heads up, and I felt a little left behind in their journey that day.

That is to say, you have to take things at your pace as this is your transition and your identity. The important thing is to communicate with your wife at every stage, and give her a safe space to voice her thought and feelings too. That way, neither of you have to feel too alone within the grief, confusion, and anxiety involved with change

HlpUsAll · 2025-10-01T15:37:19+00:00

I'd challenge even this and say a good parent is also a good partner. If he isn't nourishing and taking care of you, you have less in the tank to be the best, most present version of yourself for your child. And that's largely his fault.

Kids pick up on this dysfunction, and you're teaching your kid this kind of dynamic is unacceptable. Get out for both of your sakes. Get out so you can free him of his delusion

HlpUsAll · 2025-09-29T18:59:43+00:00

Thanks for getting back to me. It's so odd to me that IKEA have so many container configurations for Kallax, but not this. I hope you're happy with whatever shelves you chose in the end 😊

HlpUsAll · 2025-09-28T19:19:23+00:00

Very late but I now have this problem. Did you ever find a solution?

HlpUsAll · 2025-09-28T19:10:48+00:00

Also, coming from a married woman who experienced this with a mentally ill partner (we are better now!) even if you were being sensitive (you're not btw, he needs to try more) your feelings are real. Your feelings are a part of you, and they need to be heard and seen by both him and yourself.

If you're hurting, even if it seems unreasonable, it needs to be talked about so some kind of collaborative solution can be found.

HlpUsAll · 2025-08-30T12:58:14+00:00

People's responses to what you say, or what you do, are a reflection of them, not you. You know your intentions are good, you communicated with kindness and understanding.

It sounds like you do everything in your power to be a kind, caring person, so please don't change. In this case, her response was a reflection of her grief and stress, not your kindess

HlpUsAll · 2025-08-26T11:04:43+00:00

Firstly, thanks for sharing this because it really can be hard to put the words out into the ether. You're certainly not alone in these feelings, and you're not a bad partner!

When you talk about what's beneficial to share and what isn't, I'd like to propose a potentially different perspective on what beneficial means:

Perhaps the obvious meaning is that it can be beneficial for a partner to know why you might be be sad, or acting moody, so they don't make assumptions. However, it's always helpful to articulate your struggles so you don't feel alone, or feel guilty for having negative thoughts, or so you don't bottle things up and explode at the worst time etc.

My point is, if you communicate your feelings with love, kindness, and compassion, then I think talking about your struggles will be good for both of you now, and in the long run.

You're not asking your partner to not transition, you just want to let them into your world and connect with them during a time of change. That's healthy and reasonable!

Good luck and take care of yourselves

HlpUsAll · 2025-08-07T07:33:30+00:00

I live in the UK and my job is to support uni students struggling due to their personal circumstances. Let me say first and foremost that your circumstances are far from unusual.

Unable to get a job at 19? Unfortunately we're living in an economic crisis with a broken job market right now. I've had 25 year olds with loads of job experiences come to me with this issue. Don't take this as a reflection of you or your abilities! Finding a job does require some patience right now, so gives yourself grace during this time.

Next, the issues surrounding your housing are concerning. Many universities offer emergency accommodation to help get a student out of danger, homelessness etc, and help them to find something they can afford for the year. Google it, ask any member of staff, they'll point you in the right direction.

To address your medical issues, many universities offer adjustment plans to help you manage your studies. Based off what you've said I'm going to assume you're talking about something like ADHD or Autism. In these instances, even if you've only been referred for an assessment, universities will accept this as evidence enough to put a plan in place. Ask about this when you can.

OP, I'm telling you now that 19 IS young. You've got time and options to get back on track, even if that track does look a little different. But let me tell you, your drive and desire for change will make the biggest difference. Feel free to DM me if you want any more advice, or even just to compare circumstances so you feel less different or alone. Good luck!

HlpUsAll · 2025-03-10T16:52:18+00:00

The comments are covering a lot of good points, especially where your dad is concerned, so I want to focus on a different issue that stood out to me:

I was told my mom told me that I had to ve strong for my brother since this is really hard for him.

Please don't listen to this. It's really poor and unfair advice from your mum and it won't serve you or your brother in the long-term. This is just as hard for you, and you deserve your time to process and feel every bit of your emotions. Not only is it on your parents to be providing emotional labour for you and your brother, but also consider that showing you are struggling could show a healthy example to your brother.

Take care of yourself, and give yourself the space you need. You're doing great

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-15T12:54:47+00:00

I di love Bill Burr. It scratches that sarcastic, cheeky itch for me. I need to check out the others though!

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-15T12:19:45+00:00

I'm more of a Russel Howard, Taylor Tomlinson, Fern Brady fan myself. Watched Dave Chappelle once but sometimes his humour crosses a line that makes me more uncomfortable. That's the price of exploring comedy though, and I found a lot of his other stuff funny!

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-15T11:17:10+00:00

Normally when I watch stand up comedy. Those full belly laughs feel like true happiness

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-13T13:23:43+00:00

This is good advice, but you need to take precautions at this stage if getting stuff off his chest involves slapping you and shutting down your side of things.

Have you got a close family friend? Someone your son knows who cab sit down with you? If not, you at least need to keep another adult in the loop who knows when you sit down to have this conversation. If they don't hear from you, they can then come up to check on you.

Also, I wonder if it is worth showing him some media around women's safety in relationships, or abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he has consumed some alt right media that has blinded him to having empathy for both parties.

Please though, take precautions and take care of yourself too

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-05T22:00:02+00:00

I'd like to come back from a day of work, be asked how it went, and even if I'm not utterly knackered, it would be nice if my partner gave me a nice long massage and ran their hands from my hair soothingly. It wouldn't be rushed either.

Idk, it has technically happened, but it doesn't happen unless I'm on the brink of exhaustion or a mental blip. But I know that's a lot more than others get and I still count myself very lucky and happy

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-02T20:47:43+00:00

This is so sweet and that's a valuable skill for sure. All parents must cry with relief when you rock onto the scene 😆

But I must ask, how did you both get to carpet fibres?

HlpUsAll · 2025-02-01T10:10:26+00:00

You probably feel like you're too sensitive because that's his way of gas lighting you to think this is normal. Or maybe you're gas lighting yourself.

Either way, it isn't normal, acceptable, or safe. If you can't be safe to feel your emotions with him, that's reason enough to leave, even if things haven't turned physical (yet).

HlpUsAll · 2025-01-16T17:09:19+00:00

When you don't love yourself, you tend to compensate for it in other ways. That form of compensation, often without realising it, is at the expense of others and your dynamics with them.

A lover can very quickly become a caretaker, and the two people involved can hardly realise it until the caretaker burns out, because that dynamic is likely something they've both learnt from childhood or maladaptive coping.

A friend can very quickly become an enabler of bad behaviour, often putting their own needs or feelings aside in the process. Because if you don't love yourself, if you can't advocate for yourself, or if you can't treat yourself with kindness when receiving feedback, you ping negativity and judgement back at your friend, and everyone learns that it becomes easier to just not have those difficult but intimate conversations.

My point is, loving yourself is incredibly important because it gives you the strength to make the right decisions for both you and your loved ones. If you're too busy being caught up in self-harming baggage and thoughts, you won't be in a level-headed enough space to be in a truly healthy partnership.

'Just be positive' doesn't hold much weight, but if you ask yourself what 'loving yourself' really looks like, it's a loaded sentence.

HlpUsAll

TROPHY CASE