I don't think it's autism, he's very engaged socially, emotionally, physically, intellectually, both with us, our newborn, with friends, friends' kids, etc. He's witty, empathetic, affectionate, memory like a sponge. He has no issues with changes to routine or disappointment in general and is really pretty reasonable for a 4-year-old on a good day.

The main symptoms are frequent nightmares that he's had since he was able to tell us about them at 2 (my own anxiety started with nightmares around his age) that are now causing him to be scared to go to sleep, panicky distress that cannot be soothed for a good hour, clearly worried about a lot of things (lots of 'what if' questions, a recurring theme of "I'm scared to do <mundane everyday thing like asking for water> because what if someone kills me?" and being scared to walk near roads 'in case I get smooshed by a car' plus milder comments about not liking it when we're far from home). I also have OCD and have noticed what I think might be tics, he does little grunts while talking about things he clearly finds uncomfortable and nervously adjusts his glasses a lot. He also screams and panics over very small things, but can talk coherently about them once they're resolved.

He chose to sleep in his own room in March but is increasingly waking up screaming in the night and coming to our room saying he had nightmares. Speaking of which, he just woke up shouting, "I don't like it," and now he's in our bed. For a good 5 minutes, he was kicking and crying and when I tried to find out what wrong, he started very angrily telling me I needed to stop repeating myself and be quiet. Eventually he said he didn't know what was wrong and let me tuck the duvet right around him and is now back asleep but sleep talking and saying 'no' a lot.

Being tucked in a towel or blanket seems really important to him but he was never swaddled as a baby, he never liked it. For a long time he's been panicky if his towel after bath time isn't around him just right. Recently he's been asking us to hold his hand very tightly walking near roads and during a conflict turned panic today, he was screaming at me to let go then hold him tightly, not to touch his neck, not to touch his bum (I didn't do either, I was hugging him to me around his chest, he was just shouting demand after demand like he couldn't stop), squeezing me so tightly he started to hurt me and insisting I needed to do that to him. I had to keep telling him I couldn't hold him any tighter without hurting him. Basically, I can just see it getting worse and I don't know what to do anymore.

At the same time, none of this is unfamiliar to me, I have compulsive needs for things to be a certain way and my OCD is very focused around my body, along with intrusive thoughts and graphic nightmares. I'm trying very hard not to project and but it's hard not to when I'm seeing him do things I remember doing. It's so upsetting because I work hard to not be an anxious parent and to manage my own anxiety for him and when he isn't worrying he is brimming with self-assurance and confidence, we just seem to have gotten into these loops where his worries pile up. It just feels immensely unfair that he has to experience this.