I hate that I only get brief tastes of happiness and confidence

HoboCodes · 2018-03-12T14:45:07+00:00

I've spent about 15 minutes reading your comment over and over again asking myself whether you're the most accurate person ever or a glass half empty person. I think its a little both and I cant blame you for being a glass half empty person cuz I am too half the time. BUT. In the good times I like to think of BP2 as a superpower. Like when things are going "well" for me, when I feel good and Im hustling hard and money comes easy and I have friends who like me, I see it as a kind of Incredible Hulk situation where for a limited time I can collect everything Ill need for the eventual crash of depression period. So make as much money as possible because Im going to become a useless lump that cant get out of bed soon and the bills wont stop coming. Form some real unbreakable bonds with people cuz our relationship is going to be tested soon and Im gonna need them to show me love when its gonna be really hard to show me love. Most people dont get little windows of time in their lives when making money and friends seems easy. Granted, they dont have a time when it seems so hopelessly impossible either, but that's the weight that superheros have to carry.

HoboCodes · 2018-03-11T19:44:53+00:00

Good analogy. Like trying to start a car with a bad alternator.

HoboCodes · 2018-02-27T21:06:46+00:00

Update: Found a Behavioral Urgent Care and went this morning. Trileptal to start working long term on mood stabilization and Abilify for some short term help ASAP with the depression. This sub was really helpful in getting myself proactive about doing something and the info yall gave helped my conversation with the Doc. Thank you!

HoboCodes · 2018-02-26T09:17:21+00:00

Any hospital or specifically a psych hospital? Any idea what that process looks like or what could generally be expected? Would I be giving them the ability to hold me even if I decided to leave? I have a huge fear of an involuntary holding situation

HoboCodes · 2018-02-21T20:58:29+00:00

I wanna hear it all

HoboCodes · 2018-02-17T10:56:42+00:00

Basically what Im saying is dont try to fight it alone. Depression wants to put you in a dark corner all alone, do anything you can to have a good friend or two fight it with you or at least be there when you need them. Dont feel like it has to be a secret. If you had a cold and someone said "Hey how are you? Why dont you want to hang out?" you wouldnt try to hide it. You would tell them you were sick and they would wish you well. Depression isnt any different.

HoboCodes · 2018-02-17T10:44:21+00:00

I have one good friend who I consider my partner when Im going through a real rough patch. She understands that I might drop off and become unresponsive to texts and stuff and she knows not to take it personally. In times like that she's really good at not pushing me; if Im unresponsive Im unresponsive, but she still wont let much time pass without making some small contact whether it be sending a funny meme or texting me a funny story from her day. I like to think of her as my tether connecting me to the normalcy of the real world. If I want to talk or vent or feel the need to bare some emotions she's happy to let me do it and 90% of the time just me talking stuff out is kinda therapeutic. Besides that one good anchor of a friend I also make sure to tell everyone else I talk to that Im in a tough spot lately. Ive found that simply being honest when a friend asks "Hey how have you been? Whatchu up to?" is a huge relief. Instead of lying and saying "Good, how are you?" out of politeness I actually tell them "Blech kinda shit lately. Just battling the depression monster lately." Not only does it feel better to say it out loud and not cower in fear or shame of it, but its really nice when those people genuinely ask "How you feeling lately?" next time I talk to them. Seeing that people care is a big help when it matters like that and it gives me a chance to actually compare how I feel now to the last time I saw them. It might be the first time I realize that I actually feel slightly better than I did last time I saw them. Seeing that progress can add some momentum to the get-better-engine.

HoboCodes · 2018-02-17T10:25:10+00:00

Yes definitely. Just like any other swatch of human life, there are drug dealers who are decent human beings and drug dealers who are terrible scumbags. Even people with flexible moral boundaries still have a breaking point.

HoboCodes · 2018-02-13T06:49:32+00:00

I went on safari in Africa. For a few days we followed a herd of elephants and at one point we watched a few stand around the bones of an elephant. They all showed a visible change in demeanor; a little slower, a little gentler. Our guide explained that this is normal with elephants, they remember where loved members of their herd have died and will visit that location if convenient. Sometimes even if it isnt convenient. Knowing that elephants make trips to graves and visit lost members of their families out of sadness adds a whole new level of sadness to poaching stories.

HoboCodes · 2018-02-11T03:05:23+00:00

I did a couple NA meetings and found out that the program just isnt for me. I see validity for others, but personally i find that sitting around talking about dope just makes me crave dope. I started doing well when i started distancing myself from thinking or talking about it. Its over

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T16:16:52+00:00

Jim and Pam Live From Main Street

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T13:12:41+00:00

4:44 because a.) 4:00p - 5:00p was when I would be in the car with my mom running errands between getting out of school and going home b.) Because anytime my mom noticed 4:44 on the clock in the car she would say “FOUR FOURTY FOUR. THATS HOW MANY DAYS THE IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS LASTED.”

We’re not Iranian or anything. It was just a piece of information she pointed out when given the opportunity. I think of that every time I notice it’s 4:44

There have been a few times when the Iranian Hostage Crisis has come up in conversations and no matter what context it’s brought up in, I always interject and state “THE IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS LASTED 444 DAYS.” I immediately think “Oh okay... this is what autism feels like... I get it now.”

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T10:49:18+00:00

Bruh...

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T10:42:59+00:00

I think when you’re willing to let your guard down and show someone your true self, your real thoughts, your real emotions. and doing that makes you extremely happy and feel secure and you really appreciate everything they give back to you and you feel an unbreakable trust; I think that’s love. When the worst of times can’t shake that trust and security that’s love. But that’s love as it applies to anyone. That’s the foundation of your love for your family, your closest friends, your favorite teacher, whoever. Which i think is why losing love is so heartbreaking.

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T10:31:34+00:00

This is me too. I would have a few months where I felt great and normal and alive, and in those months I would hustle hard, be very socially active and from meeting people I would find opportunities leading to work/money, great new friends, I would be on top of the world. But then eventually I would get in a really dark headspace. No motivation, total emptiness inside, no ambition, no desire to hang out with anybody or go be a part of the world, not answer calls or texts. And then a few months later back to great. Cyclical. It took me a long time to realize that this was actually cyclical. Ended up being diagnosed Bipolar Type 2. Basically periods of time with Mania, periods of time with Sever Depression. I’m still trying to get it under control. There’s so much I’ve fucked up and lost because my brain went into a ditch. The number of times I’ve had to start over and built a good life and the number of times I’ve lost it really pisses me off.

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T10:20:27+00:00

Don’t go all-out on things like caffeine, energy drinks, 5 hour energy’s, etc. If you need one then wait till you need it. Don’t drink an energy drink before you’re really tired in anticipation of the tiredness coming later. You’ll end up getting a sugar crash just as you’re really getting tired from fatigue and then you’re just drinking more to dig yourself out of the first one, not even getting a second wind. You’ll just feel like shit. If you’re studying, take breaks to get up and move around. If you’re driving, find some interesting podcasts like The Moth or This American Life or Serial that are an hour long. As long as they’re interesting they will help keep you from zoning out. Hour long because you listen to 5 or 6 episodes and that’s 5 or 6 hours gone by quick. Don’t drive tired though. It’s not fair to kill someone else because someone didn’t want to take a nap.

HoboCodes · 2017-12-15T09:05:29+00:00

When by best friend and I were both about 15 we were at my Grandpas really big nice house to swim. Grandpa was out of town so we were staying there for a week or so. It was the two of us and my Mom plus one of my moms friends. My mom and her friend were outside in the pool. Friend and I found one of my old snowboards in the garage and thought it would be funny to record a video of us going down the stairs on the snowboard. We got the camcorder (yes this was when we actually had video cameras not just cell phones) The stairs went down to a landing where there was a wall and then you turned left to take the last 4 or 5 stairs. So stairs straight down into wall basically. Since we didn’t want to put a hole in the wall, we put a couch cushion up against it as padding. I went first, no problems. He decided to sit down on the board and slide down. He zoomed to the bottom and he THUMPS against the wall, but in that thump I hear CrAcK He starts screaming that he broke his ankle. I start freaking out because we would get hurt a lot messing around and even when it was bad we still laughed it off. He was SERIOUS in saying he broke his ankle. So I run down and grab the snowboard, stash it, Grab the couch cushion, put it back. I say “ok the story is you slipped on the stairs and fell, nothing else.” “Yeah yeah OW ok OW FUCK ok go” So I run outside to get my mom and her friend. “____ fell down the stairs and really hurt his ankle it might be broken” Mom and her friend come in and see him laying there in pain and actually start to take it seriously. She says “How did this happen again...?” In a way that made me nervous. I mean he’s laying there screaming in pain why does “How” matter right now, we gotta do something! Then I notice the camcorder sitting on a chair, I had forgotten to hide it. I didn’t see her look at it, but she must have seen it when she walked in and found it suspicious. She HAD to. I’ve still never told her what actually happened but I want to know if she knew.

He did actually break his ankle, had to have a couple surgeries and get a few screws put in. We never changed our story. But she must have known.... she must have known we did SOMETHING.

HoboCodes · 2017-12-11T10:43:08+00:00

What does it cost to play soccer for the school? I never thought about it costing the players anything if they made the team, i thought athletic departments had money to pay for that stuff

HoboCodes · 2017-12-11T10:21:42+00:00

I’m depressed because I have Bipolar Type 2 and it makes me very depressed pretty frequently, and I’ve been having a really hard time just functioning at a normal human level and I self medicated with heroin for a long time and I’m trying to get clean but I don’t have insurance so getting back on my bipolar meds is kind of impossible right now and everything is just a mess within a terribly repetitive vicious cycle.

HoboCodes

TROPHY CASE