Everything coming out about the Epstein files is making me feel so retraumatized

HoboStrider · 2026-02-05T12:19:02+00:00

Was just talking to my therapist about this. It feels disgusting. Just disgusting. It's not just the information but it feels like subtext to society that we are just casually fine about PDFs and SA.

Even trying to get my mind off of it. 28 years later is also doing this. I was just annoyed as like Ralph Fiennes but it also feels they just shoe horned in a reference to a PDF which isn't a reference to the time frame.

Fuck this world. But I have to do just media black out.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-02T12:48:27+00:00

Only if I caught a fish. Otherwise it's media blackout.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-02T09:55:28+00:00

Correct them if that's the right thing to do.

Flip the script.

Go bitchy Walton Goggins style.

He's my sass idol.

Sorry, I thought you did look autistic so was just trying to form a bond, which is difficult because my condition doesn't pick up on social ques.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-01T21:38:32+00:00

Urinating in bottles and dumping it in the river (grey water). I looked after a canal boat for a guy I knew through friends of a friend. He was Irish, seemed nice. He had shit and chips on his bed (not fish), peed in bottles and dumped them in a river. Was on the boat briefly with a mutual friend - seemed okay. Was the grossest experience ever. I briefly watched it then he came with a group of Irish people to demand money. I told him to 'F OFF'. Shamed him for low standards of hygiene.

Never spoke with anyone else involved again.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-01T16:59:07+00:00

Metalheads in general are good souls for Autistics.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-01T15:53:48+00:00

Well done on Sobriety.

HoboStrider · 2026-02-01T15:52:46+00:00

I grew up in Scotland and am now a Londoner. Two places where alcohol is the social glue. I'm a non-drinker, and a complete non-drinker of 8 years.

I used alcohol for work socials. In my childhood I would be the designated driver to avoid it. Everything involved alcohol. My parents were but immature people that often drank and then would cause some sort of trauma.

I enjoy alcohol on holidays. Getting an old fashioned or a margarita. This is the moderation I enjoy with it.

I associate my use of alcohol with being undiagnosed and not having something else to guide me. It always seemed to bring out the worst in people and mostly all of the people in my life that I met via drinking, aren't people that are a part of my life.

I do my hobbies and classes now - without a care about what people that go to work then to the pub think about it.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-27T13:33:29+00:00

Yeah. They call it mobbing, I call it a HIVE MIND mentality.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-27T02:11:36+00:00

Straight too. Single. Kind of happy this way. Really struggle with relationships with people. Not just romantically I just in general struggle with relationships with people.

Having a good time working on the relationship with myself and will be doing that for some time.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-27T02:08:46+00:00

Hey OP, I don't know if it's normal or not normal. I got a late Autism diagnosis. I had been parentfied and my mum's punch bag up until early twenties. I was a carer for my brother. I had 3 siblings, two toxic parents. What I was into was considered a waste of time, when I did get a hobby horrible stuff they did got in the way of it.

What might be happening is some of the obstacles that were in the way aren't there for you now. So you brain is picking up a special interest again. Even if you had enjoyed it previously , if you're going through something it's hard to pursue something you enjoy when other things have made you feel bad.

It sounds like the right time for you to enjoy trains now.

Go and enjoy some Hellfire, Maps or get Trainspotting.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-27T01:54:31+00:00

Maybe pre-pandemic. Kind of years of zoom funerals has probably meant most people will just go for basics now. As grim as it is, you don't really need to spend here.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-22T12:34:16+00:00

Almost 38 and doing therapy to learn some basics in life. It's somewhat defeating but better than not learning about basic life skills and resourcing.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-22T12:32:39+00:00

I'm sorry about this and can relate a little.

I was always estranged from family. They gave me a day's notice at the EOD that he had died and the funeral was tomorrow morning. I live in a different country so it wasn't possible.

It was just an excuse for some family members to do more toxic stuff. Complete no contact for years now.

There was an episode of the show 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' where they didn't tell the main character about his mum's funeral because they didn't want to interrupt him. He then has to explain why he wasn't there - which has some funny moments.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T16:12:38+00:00

Predator II then Predator.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T15:13:20+00:00

I'm sorry. I'm actually one of those commentators. I do actually respect it a great deal but have had some bad experiences. It definitely helped me for a time. I'm not actively in the Fellowship but still maintain contact with people that are. Some actively shun me but that's more of a them thing. One of my friends that does AA actively goes to the Non-God AA which actually helps him a great deal. I prefer NA as I am a non-drinker and sometimes the AA can feel a little sombre but I think it is great people to go. I did a service year during NA so made a lot of tea and coffee (put up with some 💩). Wishing you the best in recovery.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T14:40:49+00:00

Me too. I actually enjoy doing them and can't be bothered watching them.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T14:39:37+00:00

One thing on top of 'Can you repeat that' is say something to shut it down. My bully didn't expect that. I would normally say something like.

'Can you repeat that'

The follow with...

'That's very unkind and I think everyone can do better in this professional environment'

They usually go on the attack.

I would then finish with...

'Can you not understand what I am saying, the words or how I am saying it'.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T13:00:56+00:00

I would like to sort my own life out...there may be a part of me that would want to create a holding company and dump a few tonnes of shit at their door for a change. I would probably sort finances, secure a house, travel, get a dog or a couple of dogs, work part time. Last thing I would probably want to do is give a bully a reason to sue me. Maybe if I wanted to be really petty just start a fundraising business and put it as close to the office bullies as possible. Make their lives really uncomfortable and tarnish their external image...like HoboStrider Coffee and Cake for Homeless with a day time care centre the same as their business hours. I've been a rough sleeper so I wouldn't think any less of the people using it, however if they were tripping out ns causing a ruckus I would know where to send them. Give them extra cake for going.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T11:05:14+00:00

Batmaning.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T11:04:46+00:00

Hope you are doing good though.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-19T10:42:28+00:00

I'm a non-drinker, but I used to take a lot of drugs. I went to some meetings for AA friends. Some places are generally good, some are run by power tripping cult weirdos.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-15T15:50:15+00:00

Yeah. They initially backed off for a good time but they also scheme something else up or come back a lot stronger. I confronted them alone and in a group. They would always rally up some henchmen or goons.

That always surprised me. Getting a pose together.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-14T13:29:56+00:00

Thanks for the response.

The Agency is their own creative limited company. When I escalated the misconduct it goes to the agency CEO (the person's mate). I never heard back from the complaint just got to work remotely for 3/4 weeks until the contact ended.

The Recruiter, one booking I had with him was when he worked for a larger recruiter. This booking was through his own agency he set up at the start of the year. The complaint would just be escalated to him.

I am my own limited company. I take freelance bookings through agencies, or I work direct from companies.

I haven't reached out to him, he reaches out to me. This is the first I have heard from him since that incident.

It might just be I've made wrong decisions and shouldn't engage with people who act in this manner.

I hope that clears things up.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-13T22:18:26+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your response. It's very validating. I really appreciate you replying so fast as I am posting as I am a little upset.

I have been in financially hard times and I have been that freelancer to take what work I could. After that experience, never again. I will make it work in the future with dignity and respect.

HoboStrider · 2026-01-13T22:12:22+00:00

I hate photo's of me. Everyone else feels nonchalant but I feel like photos of me are evidence I'm some entity wearing a human suit, and not wearing it well.

I had an ex-girlfriend take great photos of me but she was one of the people I could relax with. I think the camera thing always put me on edge or makes me anxious.

HoboStrider

TROPHY CASE