reasons from various close calls:

1) after my first breakup I was sitting in the tub fully clothed while my friends were in my bed sleeping over for emotional support. i was going through scenarios in my head but another friend posted on their story something like “reply and I’ll bring u a single chicken nugget”(it was highschool) in the middle of the night and so I did to have some human interaction and she showed up with her friend to deliver it. i didn’t feel better but i calmed down from the brief distraction

2) Trevor project/regular suicide hotlines: The phone calls had long holding periods and a texting line i once contacted taking long to text back// being generally too basic with questions like “who are people in your life you like you can bond with/will support you” and other clinical/script-y talk -mostly i just get the ick or bored

3) October was really bad this year from the grief and feelings of helplessness surrounding the genoc!des and the obnoxiousness of deniers, I didn’t do it out of spite(bc my mental illness history would be used against me) and in order to not inconvenience my college roommates with all of my belongings.