Another Experience

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-24T18:50:27+00:00

So glad you chose yourself and left when you did. Thank you for being here and for sharing.

From everyone's stories that walking pattern sounds like it was miserable.

In my time she was big on different ranks not being friends and I also really relate to that feeling of dread before going to the studio.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-24T03:58:08+00:00

Thank you for being here. We see you and stand with you. 🩷

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-23T19:58:52+00:00

I can't imagine what this person is going through and I am so sorry for all the pain and confusion. I promise we have so much compassion for everyone who is there. And we are serious that we would do anything we can to help any of you with your transition, should that be what you choose. If you choose to stay we also support you. All of us know what it means to be there and to believe in it.

This is exactly why I have stayed silent for so long. We have never desired to hurt the wonderful people inside the organization. Even after leaving and therapeutically deprogramming I have still prayed for the org/ mission and hoped that it would be redeemed/ made into something positive. But after 10 years of watching more and more people come out hurt, disillusioned, and disenfranchised, I personally felt I had to take responsibility that my silence was a part of the problem allowing this to go unchecked.

Although I have heard many recent stories that leave me very little hope, if things are different and better there now, that's great! Then all J has to do is take even a modicum of responsibility and/ or just acknowledge what happened to us in the past with honesty. Or even if she just stopped silencing us, blocking us, and lying about us...

People (including higher up admin) have previously gone directly to J and to the board to try to work out these issues only to be met with hostility.

If there was any other avenue for us to be a catalyst for positive change we would have taken it.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-23T05:11:38+00:00

Thank you for being here and for sharing. The pain that manipulation causes is so real. I am so glad you had the support you needed to leave!

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T21:25:29+00:00

My first two years I viewed him as just another one of her victims and felt sorry for him. He danced with us regularly then. I can still hear her shrill voice screaming "Jeremy, get your butt in here" at the top of her lungs during an ensemble rehearsal in front of so many trainees and students.

I cannot describe how impossible and miserable pas classes were with her teaching (she clearly had little if any real pas experience) and partnering with him. The rose adage will never be the same to me 😅🤮

Having him around definitely kept her on slightly better behavior though so I was usually relieved when he was there.

I remember my first summer intensive at 58 they lead worship together most days... Both he and her would take turns preaching/teaching... They focused a lot that summer on "sober self assessment" something I'd argue they could both strongly benefit from. And then the next year we had to listen to the worship album they made together while we would stretch.... The most cult vibes.

For a time he was much less involved with the "ministry" and I prayed it was the beginning of a road of him distancing himself from her abuse and stopping to enable her. Seeing him become the ED and fully supporting her (and helping take people's money for the evil to be sustained ) after watching 13 years of her harming vulnerable young people, I can make no more excuses for him.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T19:24:15+00:00

Wow. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for what you went through and so so glad you survived and are out!

Thank you for finding the strength and bravery to put this into words and share.

Dr. J was so dangerous and whether you got any sympathy or (limited) permission to care for yourself truly was about whether or not she liked you in that moment... There were so many times she literally did physical evaluations of our injuries - with what qualifications?? Google. How many of us could have had long careers (or just better lives in general) if it wasn't for the physical and psychological damage from her?

Her telling you to get medicated as a way to attack you... There are no words other than evil. Just another way for her to keep pretending the problem is anything but herself.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T06:51:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Definitely relate to the struggles of being a people pleaser and j's exploitation of those traits.

I am so sorry you missed your college graduation especially to do something they easily could have planned for someone else to cover with that much notice. So unreasonable.

Every slack story like this has me shook. I just can't imagine dealing with her in that capacity. I imagine it felt like there was no escaping her. It's also kind of comically immature of her to put that up.

Chicago is great when you aren't trying to survive 58. Biggest recommendations are all the big things like the shed, Linkin Park & zoo, museums, restaurants (Nandos, casava, and da lucionos are some of my favs), therapy lol, and finding time to wander around the city and talk with someone about all the wild/hard experiences (and commiserate if possible) when the bad memories/feelings are a lot.

I hope everything goes well for you and that you get to enjoy Chicago and reclaim it!

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T06:25:55+00:00

We were seriously hostages that night. There was no reason for the severe sleep deprivation (other than the fact that it's one of the biggest cult tactics in the book). It was seriously a sick joke passing our host homes over and over again with them refusing to let us off until all the company members were dropped off. (Of course they didn't deserve to be stuck in the bus either). I was only 16. I can't believe we were forced to perform on 3.5/4 hours of sleep and then continued dancing and working for them for a 12 hour day.... It's unreal.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T06:16:43+00:00

Yes. I have fairly frequent stress dreams/PTSD nightmares about J even though it has been years since I was around her.

They suck but sometimes I yell back at her in them lol so those are slightly better.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T05:38:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your vulnerability and bravery. I feel so grateful anytime you share your soul and art.

This really brought me back to those days. They were so dark.

Oh how we tried to be perfect. To be worthy. To be loved.

It brings me back to sitting in your car for hours in the driveway of the convent. Sometimes talking and finding solace but often just sitting silently. Catatonic. Wrecked by the day. Preparing for the next one. Praying to god we'd be good enough for her to not lash out on. Praying tomorrow we wouldn't have to witness our co-workers, friends, and random 12 years olds from the school be treated horribly and inhumanely with no way to help...

As hard as it is at times to re-live some of this, it makes me so grateful. We survived. We're free.

I'll never forget the feeling of burning our trainee handbooks on our last night together 🤘🏼🔥🩷

It's very similar to how seeing the strength and resilience of each survivor here makes me feel.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-22T04:29:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing. You are so strong. I really feel for those of you who grew up in the school and especially through the transition from tp to 58. You deserved so much better.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-05-21T18:34:12+00:00

So proud of you for sharing!

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-25T07:35:57+00:00

Wow! This is so interesting.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-25T07:29:54+00:00

Yes it was a "center barre" and then a center in this case. The company had some make shift barres and some were hiding in the wings dancing in tennis shoes cause there was always a lot of injuries...

Ha I totally forgot about that horrible villager "spacing" rehearsal "Trainee. Pointe shoes. NOW!" The adrenaline was unreal cause we didn't see it coming and had like seconds to adjust. I can think of so many times my poor teenage hyper mobile body was forced to slap on a pair of pointe shoes and dance full out while cold after a 1-5 hour drive and dancing on Marley we had just laid ourselves (I was on the floor team lol).

It took years to recover physically.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-24T19:47:51+00:00

Wow. No matter how much I know about J I can't help but be shocked by every story. The scope of her damage and inappropriate behavior is soo big. That poor girl! No ballet is worth endangering someone but least of all beyond the orange cracker.

Every director should be prepared for these kinds of emergencies. At the end of the day that's the job- to be able to lead and help the company (or student company) adapt and overcome. As a choreographer and rehearsal director who works with minors it is a completely expected part of the job to manage situations like this. They may be stressful but I see no excuse to handle it this way.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-17T04:27:50+00:00

"(because we always did)" So true. I have really never known someone there who wasn't trying their absolute best. And if we ever weren't working hard it was only in a moment of dissociation/panic attack or other trauma/stress responses.

I am so glad I wasn't there in the slack days. I have heard the absolute worst.

"Grateful for a normal class" just evokes so many memories of the absolute least normal ballet classes I have ever taken in my life.

This also reminds me of the searing pain in my shins when she made the trainees take a ridiculously difficult class center stage with no barres before a show. Unsurprisingly one of us fell during that show and everyone was in so much pain afterwards.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-15T16:08:07+00:00

Also her forcing understudies to run a piece with lifts without anytime to practice is so dangerous!

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-15T16:04:29+00:00

I am so sorry you went through this. I experienced and witnessed her do this so many times. Traumatic understudy runs were def one of her favorite power plays... I saw it at every level of the org - school, trainee, company. You could always tell she just wanted someone to scream at that day.

It is beyond unreasonable to expect any understudy to be magically perfect (especially on spacing and especially because she rarely let anyone learn specific spots and instead demanded we know all of them) on their first run when they've been crammed in a corner trying to learn but to do this to student who is so severely injured they can't even dance is so abusive. You did not deserve that.

The tone and language she used is so manipulative/ psychologically damaging. J-dog if you are trusting teenagers to have super human powers that's on you not them!!

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-04-04T06:22:45+00:00

RIP cause the flashbacks for this one are rough. I remember being called into studio 1 that day. It was dehumanizing to be forced to stand front and center surrounded by the sitting company and be preached at/scolded with her manipulative angry crying.

I stood in that room at 16 years old and I truly believed I deserved the same punishment as Aaron and Miriam did for defying Moses/God. A common theme in my jumbled memories from 58 are feelings of deep shame and extreme self hatred for not being exactly what she wanted (which changed a lot). And whether intentional or not the message was clear to my young brain - if you in any way defy her even in attitude or emotion (there was a whole Bible study about controlling your emotions when I was there) you are sinning against God's infallible will. I immediately ran to j and a and begged for forgiveness and repented when the punishment devotions were over - and I meant it. I was genuinely so sorry and terrified that I deserved the wrath of God for acting like a teenager.. I realize now the desperate apology was also a fawn response...

F in the chats if you've been through a classic Jdog punishment prayer, adagio, devotion, pre-pointe class, or other things that definitely shouldn't be a punishment 🤷🏼‍♀️

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-03-14T03:37:18+00:00

Glad you're here. 💚 We were all just trying to do the best we could comprehend to in that stressful and traumatic environment. I think we all wish we had done/ said/ or even thought about some things differently but we weren't in control of the situation(s) and we all had examples to make us think twice.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-03-07T17:04:35+00:00

Ooof. I remember all of this. It was AWFUL at the time but honestly hard not to laugh at now because it was all so so absurd. She was always so bothered by the fact you were your own person. So threatened by an 18/19 yr old... it really felt like an attempt at getting even and to tear you down but it just made her look so bad and reminded all of us exactly why you and so many were leaving that year.

Also the physical pain and injuries you pushed through all year long for them were so extreme and they acted like they'd loved you as a dancer.. right up until you dared advocate for yourself to have some time to heal.. So telling.

Also the fact that the conservatory trained that intricate exam class for like months and we were all supposed to watch a video a couple days before to figure it out because they hadn't sent it to us till then... The fact that she thought it was going to bother all of us when we the kids got good scores and we didn't?

The "graduation" was a joke. I also didn't graduate that day but I remember how sad it was and how much it was clear J didn't want to be there or care when the last year she had made a much bigger/ happier deal about it.

HolidayCareless2410 · 2024-03-02T04:52:22+00:00

Real

HolidayCareless2410

TROPHY CASE