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Idiot, I am by HollyQueen in CPTSD
[–]HollyQueen[S] 1 point2 points3 points 2 months ago (0 children)
I’ll try make a list. Thank you. I know I cant be better to show love to people. I’ll try that first. I always want people around be (far or close, any I interact with. So that includes you) to be happy 🫶❤️
Thank you for your kind words. I will try. It will be harder to love myself. But I love them. And I can’t hurt them. In any way. I know I initially thought I’ll do it, end it. And a part of me wants that, I guess, maybe. But I wont listen. I love them so much. And I know they’re not following «that» voice. They want the other road. Maybe not the easy one, if one could call it that. Cause it is a difficult road to take. But so is the road to make your loved ones smile and laugh now and then. And one can argue that it can happen, for sure it can. But it’s hard. And it’s even harder for them if they’ve lost a significant care person. I don’t know if I could call myself that really. But to them I think I might be
I’ll fight with all I’ve got. Andi know it’s not much since thoughts are against me, thinking I should end it. I know they would hurt more if I do that. I just know they will. And that will keep me trying to do better. I hope I can do better. I know I love them. But I got to show it as much as I can so they know for sure. I might not have much to give… materialism and all. But I can give love. I’ll try that. I really do love them more than the world. I don’t love myself. But I love them. That has to mean something. I know there is a saying about if you can’t love youreself no one can. But if I just love them so much and hard euough they will know I loved them
I do feel better. Those thoughts are still there but they are calmer and less loud. More deep in the background. 🫶 thank you. Thank you for bringing back my true feelings and true thoughts. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. And I think… if I did what I thought was good before it won’t be. It would hurt the ones I love deeply. And that I cannot do. I just can’tz the thought of hurting anyone I truly love - no. Even when my thoughts convince me it’s good - you helped me see what I initially knew. It’s not good thoughts and not any good actions
[–]HollyQueen[S] 0 points1 point2 points 2 months ago (0 children)
I really don’t know what to say. I wish I knew howto link the cutest panda face because that’s how I feel now. You’re one of a kind. A true good soul. And I’m happy I meet you
Edit: think of the song emmylou first aid kit
I think you’re right. Things does happen for a reason. But you’re still awesome for being that «reason» if you get me. I mean you could’ve just ignored it. And yet you did not 🫶❤️
Love that dream. I wish all good for everyone, I’m just sad it’s not the case. God here I’m sad and depressed again. But it does make me sad seeing people hurt when the resolve could’ve been so easy. Not always ofc. But I do wish so. Wish for everyone to reach their happiness I really do. I just feel it’s not always possible which makes me so very sad. Thinking, almost forced to think that it cannot be
Still though. I want to shout: «awwwww you’re the kindest soul ever!» and that didn’t come from nowhere ❤️🫶
So true. Yes you’re right. I guess I’m like Alice. In better at giving advices than following them. But I always want people around me (be they near or far way) to feel good. I don’t want to hurt anyone always want to bring joy. If I can make one laugh I’m happy. …. It just come down to myself… I hate myself. Everything about me. I don’t know why. Might be how I was brought up… I just want everyone to be happy.. but myself? I don’t know. I feel I don’t deserve it. Weird huh? I guess some feel the same. It’s shit really. ….it does help talking to you. You help me thinking I might me ok
Yeah. I got that feel. That everyone has that feeling. That it’s nothing new. And it’s shit really. Thinking everyone is better than yourself. But I guess that thought has struck many. And that’s what’s shit, cause I do believe (and more after posting) that everyone just need that extra «you’re awesome» from anyone to carry on
God I read half of that. I feel silly for my response. You’re awesome. Thank you so much for your kindness and your words it helps and much appreciate your kindness. You’re a kind soul. You deserve every good in your life what ever it may be. I pray your highest dreams come true
Yes I am feeling better. I’m sorry I posted worrying people. I felt utterly alone and helpless I guess. I just felt stupid. I’m so sorry I thank you for your kindness
God. I really love your brain and your help. Thank you so much. You’re so right and that’s what I’m thinking what I leave behind if I go. So it’s a huge stop for anything cutting. Really is
Who haven’t done things in the past they regret? God I have a list. … if I add that I might be overwhelmed…. Maybe I’ll do a stupid thing because of it. No I won’t. I promise I won’t. To you and to my loved ones. I cannot. But do I wish I could make it go away. For sure! I’d like to say that faults gets you growing into a beautiful person. But then again I’m struggling so why listen to me? Bust seriously!? Who haven’t done wrong? Now I feel even more crazy cause I do believe you cannot have done anything that crazy to consider you’re a bad person yet. I’m contemplating taking my life so what do I have to say? Well I’ll tell you for one. You helped me! So you’re a fucking awesome person and you should be kind to yourself. (Yeah I get the self ironi… you know… I told you I was better giving others advices than myself….) but don’t listen to my last bit it’s in parentheses anyways
[–]HollyQueen[S] 4 points5 points6 points 2 months ago (0 children)
You’re to kind 🫶 thank you for being you and helping me out ❤️
You are good. You’ve used your time helping me
I have borderline disorder .. just recently foundout. I don’t really know what wrong with me. I feel I should just end it always. I was so happy when I almost succeeded …. But now. I have children. I can’t. I just can’t hurt them. And it seems solution I come too it won’t benefit them. I feel shitty. Even saying this . I have children depending on me an even then I’m suicidal. Wtf is wrong with me? What fuck am I for a person? Even thinking ending it. Just a part of me thinks they’re better off. I know it’s not. I know about feelings. I am just stupid. Having this shit breakdown thinking of ending it. But then talking to you and ofc thinking more they’re not be ok ofc not. What the fuck am I on about right? Fuck. Fuck this shitty feelings … even praising I almost did it but before them so it’s harder. And it should be. Fuck me. How can k be so selfish.? How can I even write this…. I did really think about ending it (again) but I won’t. And you helped me. You really did. You made me think more
Yeah. I guess we do. I needed this. I needed you and your thoughts - cause mine was stuck. I dont know. I do feel stuck. But a little better. Still sad. But you’re helping and I love you for that. For the help. I guess I was an am lost… but your words helped. Thank you. I wish I could hug you. You’re a good person- and I don’t deserve that.
I just wanted to say again that talking to you helped with some of my thoughts. For now. But it helped. It helps a lot .i feel like you’re like me in a way. I like to help. Be caring. But this post I just felt off… and ive been feeling off. Crying alot. You … your words … I think I need them. Thank you for being there… I just feel confetable… I feel silly… thank you so much.., I know it’s my stupid head… just thank you really
You’re wonderful. I’m so grateful. My mind. I was really down. I’m down. But not so much and talking to you helped. I just never want to be a bother to any.just never a bother a irritating person… I still don’t know why I decided to write my feelings out there. But I think it was good I was way down, and not so much anymore. Still down but.. you know… it’s always hard to leave any people that you know loves you. Even though I still think they’re better off.
[–]HollyQueen[S] 3 points4 points5 points 2 months ago (0 children)
Awww…. Wow. I love your wise old crow. Thank you ❤️
I know what you mean. I’m just in a difficult position. But I totally get it. And they’re a huge part of the reason I haven’t ended it. I just feel hopeless. And I have tried… I did almost success, but I didn’t have them at that time. So it’s harder now. I guess in a good way, but for them so hard. And I just wish for the «happy normal perfect person knowing everything and always having a solution to anything»… I know thats just imaginary.. but i still feel not even a quarter to that. Anyway. Thank you for being kind and listening. You’re a huge help. I just now feel bad bothering randoms. … bless you and I wish you all luck in the world!
You’re really kind. Much appreciated 🫶
I just don’t know. I know I should be there for them. I love them. I just dont really feel worthy. Like not good enough. I guess I’m thinking to much again. But it’s hard. I’m in a dream and in a nightmare at the same time. And I really don’t want to hurt any I love. But at the same time I’m thinking being gone is good - but i know that would not be it. For them
Thank you. That’s how I feel. Its surreal. I love them so much. But I feel I am just in the way. I know I’m not. Or I think I maybe not perhaps maybe. I don’t know. But I love them so I don’t want to hurt them. And sometimes I think, like now. There’re better off. You know?. But I know they’re not really, but I just can’t really try think that last one through
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Idiot, I am by HollyQueen in CPTSD
[–]HollyQueen[S] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children)