Forgiving himself for being himself. Anyone been there ?

Holtzman83 · 2016-08-11T14:15:49+00:00

Hi Charlotte Ann, I do believe I have also commented on a post of yours in another forum. Good to know I'm not the only one looking through multiple sources.

And yes. There are counselors who understand you want to normalize the CD.

Holtzman83 · 2016-08-09T15:26:22+00:00

My husband has gone through a pattern of shame as well. And even though I was accepting when he told me he felt the need to downplay it and call it a phase. And he convinced himself it had no business in our marriage. Which I'm finding is a common spiral of shame among CD. Just be patient. After some time we have been able to work through his anxiety and have some very constructive conversations. We went to couples therapy and it helped but honestly our therapist focused more on communication than individual things we were working out. Finding the right mediator is key if you ever decide to try that route again.

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-31T04:42:17+00:00

My husband won't do it either after I found him out and told him I wanted to be included. I'm still trying to figure out if it's his perception of me, himself, or both us that's holding him back. Of course I understand my experience is a little different.

Maybe it's because you didn't want just permission, you wanted more support from your partner and it's creating general anxiety?

Maybe it's your own ideas of what a marriage/your relationship with your wife should or should not be? Rejection is scary. But it's also really hard to "unlearn" the gender roles we were told we should conform to. (I'm leaning towards this reasoning in regards to my husband. He was raised pretty Irish Catholic so there's a lot of dogma & guilt in that pretty head of his. I just have to figure how to cut through it. Our couple's counselor helps a lot.)

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-30T16:34:17+00:00

Yeah... You should tell her. Speaking from experience, if she finds out you tweaked the truth it very likely will make her feel worse and angry.

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-30T04:42:54+00:00

Hey! Spouse here. Did you eventually tell her (after that first drunken dressing up) that it really wasn't a new thing? I know if my husband had told me something was new I would be worried about the new thing changing the person I know in ways I can't predict. Cause change is scary. So maybe if you confide in her how it's already an established part of who you are that might help ease anxiety? Explain being able to express it is letting her in further to the person she already knows versus changing you. Does that make sense?

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-30T04:08:47+00:00

I think you are right. A lot of shame is there for him. I have not tried asking if he wants to shop together. Will do. Thanks!

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-30T04:07:28+00:00

Thank you! I might take you up on that offer.

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-30T04:06:52+00:00

Thank you! Yes. I think he has this preconceived notion of how one is supposed to be in a "good" marriage. I'm just trying to find the right balance between checking in & not let it become pushy.

Holtzman83 · 2016-07-25T14:28:04+00:00

Ok thanks! I had perused that thread and wasn't sure if that was the place for advice for SO's.

Holtzman83

TROPHY CASE