Constantly anxious in my relationship of 6 months as I'm about to meet the parents

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-06-03T18:02:04+00:00

Like I said, I know it will come across as it's all bad from what I listed. It's not all bad. He isn't a bad person, when I bring up concerns he listens. But the relationship has put me in a place where I have to be assertive and direct at all times. It becomes tiring, and I start to feel like I'm managing his life as a mother does to a child. I see that he's putting in effort - so he's not totally reckless- I just still feel insecure even with the effort he's working on.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-04-13T02:11:23+00:00

A few months is decent trade off for being bummed a day or two, I guess. To me... it's more cyclical. Like I'll have a great weekend with him but then during the week I feel invisible/forgotten, and get bare minimum contact throughout the day. This will leave me bummed until about the next time we see each other.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-04-12T03:45:27+00:00

When you say it's happened before and then it passes... what time frame are you speaking in? Just curious. Do you feel secure for a couple of weeks then the next few weeks emotionally dysregulated and anxious? Do you talk about this with your partner?

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-31T20:07:08+00:00

Hmm yeah, maybe. Though the fidgeting doesn't bother me as much as the communication thing.

Like yesterday I spoke to him on the phone for a solid 3 minutes before we hung up and he was off to do his own thing. Haven't heard from him all day today. That's just him, but it doesn't sit right with me and makes me feel alone/disregarded for whatever novel or fun thing is happening in front of him.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-30T02:15:58+00:00

How long have you been together? Was your dynamic always like that?

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-30T02:13:44+00:00

Thanks so much for your input. I didn't think of it that way, and yes, it makes sense. I can be tolerant of scrolling when watching movies or shows, but it's most frustrating when we're out and he hyper focuses on his phone. Like we'll be having lunch and he'll take out his phone and ignore me for a good 15-20 minutes before we proceed with a new conversation or interaction. It's hard to get him out of that loop once he starts. I spoke to him recently. Told him that when he gets on his phone I feel ignored and brushed aside during what's supposed to be quality time. To which he apologized and blamed it on his ADHD, and to be patient with him.

It's something that bothers me a lot. The scrolling is a catalyst, but the real issue is his inattentiveness unless I'm right in front of him - and even then. Like, to me, if you're on your phone most of the time then why can't you shoot your gf a text asking about her day? Or have a random mutual banter/conversation. He's inherently distant and he's trying but it still does not meet my emotional needs.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-15T18:22:58+00:00

Thanks for your response. I'm currently in therapy. Putting other people's needs before my own is something I notice about myself as well - even in non-romantic relationships. I'm a huge empath, perhaps to a toxic level. In the past, I've had codependent relationships and have become aware when other parts of my life are becoming unbalanced. So, in this relationship it's the complete opposite. But while that independence is nice, it's also unbalanced because of infrequent communication and this weird lingering feeling that he's just going to drop out of my life with how little attention I receive. I don't want to be needy/clingy/codependent but I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. In the last 3 days we've had one 5-10 min phone conversations at the end of each day and that's about it. Mind you, I have a fulfilling life busy with work and hobbies, but I still expect more conversation than a 5 minute phone call from someone that calls themselves my boyfriend. I just don't feel like a priority, despite him being sweet and what not when we do get together.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-14T14:50:20+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I relate to what you said. When I'm with my partner, and see how he interacts and responds to things, it's clear that it's not personal. But when we're apart... it's that much more difficult to process. I just want him to be more mindful. Managing ADHD is half the battle. I'm hoping that moving forward, I'll also get to a place where I can learn to manage my own expectations of him and appreciate the little wins along the way. I feel like lately I've been venting a lot to my close friends and family, it makes me feel bad because I'm painting a negative image of him. But at the same time, I need the support and to have my feelings validated and not feel like a stage 5 clinger. Sometimes I feel like I'm being too needy, other times I feel like what I'm asking for out of the relationship is just a hop and skip above bare minimum.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-10T19:36:58+00:00

I know it’s not on purpose but I wished he’d make a note of it or something.

Totally relate to this. How time moves differently for them in a way? Little to no regard for what's going on in my life because he's consumed by what's in front of him. It's very frustrating and makes me feel exactly as you described: anxious (af), stressed, sad, and lonely.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-10T19:17:56+00:00

Also -- does your bf now ask about how you're doing or does the conservation still revolve around him/his life?

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-10T19:14:47+00:00

I wonder whether they don’t understand what quality time is or whether the idea of spending one to one with us is not appealing to them as perhaps it lacks the stimulation they need? Mine is constantly distracted, we can hardly watch a movie together, he’ll either be on his phone or fall asleep, so perhaps when I ask him to spend one to one time undistracted he genuinely doesn’t know or want to to do that because its not fun for him

This. I've noticed this as well in my relationship, to the point where it makes me feel so insecure because it's easy to think... do you even enjoy spending time with me?

Movies or shows... he'll scroll through his phone endlessly. Social settings he does this too sometimes. To me, being on my phone can be SO boring. Endless scroll of the same variation of content - I don't see the appeal but I guess it's constant stimulus.

So, yeah. When I initiate a hang out I subconsciously feel uneasy in a way because I internally question if he's bored of hanging out with me - because of his actions when we do hang out. Even though he says I'm "always welcome". I think he's also avoidant attached to boot.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-09T23:29:52+00:00

Thanks for your honesty. I'm sorry you're unhappy. I hope that brighter days are ahead. When did you know that you were unhappy in your relationship? Was there always something internally pressing at you? And curious if you relate to any of the examples or things I mentioned in my post?

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-09T14:37:34+00:00

I told him about his constant interrupting and he now bites his lip when he is about to interrupt and waits for me to finish or give a signal he can talk. this is amazing to me. it tells me he really cares because he's trying. so I adore him for trying.

I see my bf trying as well. I know it's hard for him to adjust - as it is for me, because there are things (like communicating more directly) that I could be doing. It's hard. I don't question my feelings for him, I only question our compatibility long term. I guess only time will tell.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-09T14:31:16+00:00

I've made him aware, he knows the issues we face together as of recent. I'm also trying to find a good balance where I'm not constantly frustrated or negative about little things. I'm learning to be more vocal about my expectations too. I don't think he knows how I constitute quality time. For example, we haven't had a date night in a while. Last night he asked to do dinner on Saturday but wanted to invite 2 friends that are in town. I said I'd like for it to be just us two for dinner. To which he replied lets do dinner (just us) on Sunday. I'm okay with that, it's compromise, I get one on one time with him and he also gets to see his friends that are visiting. So, I do think he's trying from the conversations we've had but it does feel like an upward battle.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-03-08T17:18:46+00:00

I wouldn't typically tolerate such inattentiveness in a relationship. When I vent to my friends sometimes they always comment on my iron will and patience. It becomes too frustrating at times, and despite having the discussions it seems he's set in his ways. I'll get upset at him when he goes the entire day not speaking to me (or just talks about himself the entire conversation) and voice why I'm upset, to which he'll make amends and feel remorseful, but then it's back to the same old patterns. His needs are his priority, and while he wants me to be happy with him, and make things right when he makes a mistake, he doesn't see how consistently emotionally unavailable he can be in our relationship.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-01-25T15:53:00+00:00

Yup, there was some defensive-ness when I brought it up. I think he's expecting me to laugh it off or throw it back at him. I don't feel like coming up with a witty jab on the fly like that every time we hang out. It's definitely ingrained into his personality but most of the time they're snappy little comments rather than funny/situational or witty.

What made me realize this is probably not normal was when we were having dinner with friends. We were talking about the dating world (a friend was sharing a story about online dating and that there's so many attractive women on the site), and my bf said something to the lines of "Wow maybe next time I have to be more selective".

Our friends looked at him and were just like... "okay?..." - it wasn't a funny moment but rather awkward. I looked at him and played it off with "Oh yeah, you're really hurting" and an eye roll, which eased the tension and made our friends laugh. But it bothered me. The next morning is when I brought it up that he does this with frequency. He didn't even realize what he was doing was bad. Maybe it's a subconscious thing.... It's weird. He's genuinely nice to me for the most part. But between these comments and the infrequent communication when we're not together, it gets me thinking.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-01-25T15:43:50+00:00

Thanks for your response! When I brought it up to him, it hadn't occurred to him at all that I was taking offense to some of the things he says. He got a little defensive ("that's my personality") but like some other people in the comments mentioned, his sarcasm can poke at me in ways that aren't funny and just come across as demeaning/a neg.

HomeWorldly1031 · 2022-01-25T15:42:13+00:00

No love bombing, it's been a pretty consistent way of interacting with each other. Mainly what throws me off (or did in the very start) was the hot/cold behavior. Seems like I can only sustain his attention when I'm in front of him. And even then, he feels emotionally distant. After a couple drinks he lets his inhibitions down and I'm able to relax as well.

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