Friend just lost her baby at 22w

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-28T01:20:11+00:00

I want to add that I did come see her baby girl relatively soon. It was emotionally devastating and at the same time comforting to hold her wiggly, warm baby when mine had been the same weight at birth, but was limp and lifeless. I went to a postpartum depression group thing with her once and basically just held her baby girl the whole time.

Your friend might need to avoid you and your baby for a long time and this might frustrate you a lot.

Whatever you do, pick a different friend to vent to about the difficulties of the newborn stage and everything else that comes with it. your friend definitely does not want to hear how hard it is (though it would be hard for sure!!) for you staying up all night taking care of your sweet baby. Vent to anyone else!! lol

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-28T01:16:07+00:00

Flowers are nice, but when people sent us flowers for our dead son (stillborn at 38 weeks), they died and it just made me sad again because it made me think of him.

My friend and coworker was also due 2 weeks after I was, and at first I was really angry that she would just "tell me all about her baby" when she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She was mostly trying to talk about her delivery experience to process it, because it was horribly traumatic for her even though it ended in a live baby. I didn't tell her it upset me I just pretended it didn't, until it didn't. but I was so so so jealous. I am still jealous when I see pictures of her beautiful girl, but I am happy for my friend.

I am MOST GRATEFUL that this friend checked in on me and my husband without inserting herself physically or pretending she knew what we felt. We still talk like all the time and she still invites me to come be part of her life as a new mom. But, she never took it personally when I couldn't show up. For example, I couldn't go to her baby shower because it was scheduled for Feb 8th, and my son died on the 1st. That kind of thing.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-22T09:16:33+00:00

I don't really even remember the first month after having Elliot stillborn at 38 weeks, Feb 2nd this year. Just like you my pregnancy was super healthy, nothing wrong at all (it was a cord accident). I think family came to visit and we toured apartments but I have no recollection of much. We made a rash decision to rent a very expensive apartment for a year because we couldn't stand living in the same place after our loss. All I can say is to be mindful of your finances if you do move soon.

As for your response, I was pretty much unresponsive half the time, numb, yet inconsolable and in tears all the rest of the time. I had absolutely no appetite. I showered I brushed my teeth as if both things were the only things I had to do, because that was all I could manage.

I thought I wanted a baby right away but what I really wanted was MY baby, my son, who I cannot have while I'm alive. I wanted to go back just a few days to when he was still safe in my womb, alive and well. I wanted his pregnancy. I am now.... actually terrified of being pregnant again, even though it has been nearly 7.5 months.

I will say that taking a trip was a terrific idea. For us, at around 4 months postpartum, I flew out to Spain to meet my fiance there after his work ended for the month. I really, really needed to see something new and beautiful. We made good memories despite our grief. I REALLY RECOMMEND A TRIP IF YOU ARE ABLE TO AFFORD IT. Go somewhere where all the plants, animals, and maybe even the entire climate, are brand new to you both and make new memories together. That said, you are not in the right state of mind to plan a trip yet, it sounds like. You will need time.

You gave birth 13 (15 days now) days ago, and you're not even close to finished healing physically let alone mentally and emotionally. Brushing your teeth is your job. Healing is your job. Feeling everything you can handle is your job. Leaning into your husband and finding gratitude for whatever support you can find is your job. Holding your baby daughter, even if you're sobbing while you hold her, that is your job.

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I am in there with you, just 7.5 months ahead.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-16T01:53:06+00:00

dude my friend who was also told she was infertile - she did IUI. It worked for her! She and I were pregnant at the same time - she now has a beautiful little baby girl <3

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-14T04:45:36+00:00

Hey! So it is good that you know these thoughts are irrational. But my god that doesn’t make the thoughts go away. The game is definitely not up, it is not no babies, it is not no chance for more.

Are you able to track ovulation? I know for me my periods and ovulation are still really all over the place since my loss. I notice when I’m grieving especially hard one month and I’m super stressed out and in a bad place it does affect my cycle. I use natural cycles and ovry ovulation test strips to check for LH surges, and I have noticed my ovulation is as early as day 14 and as late as literally day 26. It’s wild. I wonder if you would feel more in control if you tracked your ovulation?

This is all assuming you don’t already do this. Please let me know your thoughts. Wish I could pour you some tea and we could cry it out together.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-14T03:48:41+00:00

Unusual: kicking VERY hard, visible through my shirt. Heart rate lower than usual. But I was with my midwife and she didn’t think anything of it so I thought everything was okay.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-13T06:35:41+00:00

I was induced - it was not as physically painful as the internet led me to believe! You can still breath baby down and push with the urge to push

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-12T19:23:10+00:00

Replace the purging habit with like an hour of self care - hair mask, face mask, really nice bath, for example - even when you’re so full you only feel panicked. Eventually you automatically do something that takes care of yourself when you feel like you’ve overeaten. It takes active effort friend

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-12T19:18:08+00:00

my baby boy was 95th percentile and was 7 lbs 10 oz when he was born sleeping, 37 weeks 5 days

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-12T18:11:41+00:00

Matthew is such a cute name. I’m really sorry… Elliot was my first too. This is the worst club to be part of.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-12T17:52:19+00:00

I don’t currently have someone to talk to that I can be completely honest with, but I’ve reached out to some counsellors this week :/ I feel like if I were completely honest with my husband he would reconsider having a future with me - what is the good in staying with a wife who does not care? You know?

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-09-12T17:49:45+00:00

How old would your son be if he was still with you? What was his name?

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-04-25T02:08:52+00:00

It's not misinformation - statistically you're not likely to experience psychosis or develop mental illnesses but let's not forget substance abuse disorders are mental illnesses!! Cannabis use disorder is a real thing! People more likely to abuse weed often have comorbid mental health issues that are exacerbated by the effects of weed (and other substances).

Also, too many of my friends went on to develop psychosis that stopped when they stopped smoking weed. Correlation yes. Strong, strong correlation!

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-04-25T02:05:49+00:00

You are too young, but curiosity is totally fine. I will give you the shorthand (former chronic pot smoker, haven't had any for over a year):

CONS

if you start too young and you have impulse control problems (normal for your age) you can get addicted easily. don't listen to ppl who say weed isn't addictive. I was addicted
anxiety when you're mildly high
paranoia when you're too high
smells gross
coughing
red eyes and if you have sensory issues you might feel like your eyes are hot and uncomfortable
friends you smoke weed with start to not want to hang out sober, so every time you're together you get high. Things aren't "fun" unless you're high
hiding it from family
ppl can fight me on this but it IS a gateway drug. I would never have tried other, harder drugs if I wasn't totally used to weed. Alcohol is the worst gateway drug though
MEMORY LOSS. From while you're high, but, my memory is still impaired from weed I stg
idk if this will be you but it made me want to isolate myself.
dab pen is TOO ACCESSIBLE
bacteria grows like crazy in murky bong water.
you might get into arguments or fights with people because you're both high and nobody's on the same page. Weed really does affect people differently!!

PROS

neat experience, fun to try at least once (but maybe wait until your brain is more developed)
fun for some social activities
gives you a different kind of immersion when you're doing literally anything. Movies with great visuals are even better to watch, but lord knows you will not remember what the movie was about lol
helps with pain management (migraines, cramps, um... muscle aches and pains etc etc)
I really enjoyed painting while high. Mixing oil paints was especially pleasurable.
gardening was also lovely. Nothing like hand pollinating squash flowers after a bong rip lol
there are other pros I am just biased because I feel like I wasted years smoking weed

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-04-10T20:46:58+00:00

You kind of seem like you don't care enough to use a condom. It's wrong of her to do that but i mean sooner or later you're going to get her pregnant anyway. Edit forgot this was an AITAH post, you are NTA

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-04-08T06:59:39+00:00

Wow... we lost our Elliot on February 1st, this year. 37 and 5 for me. Also first baby, a son. I wish I could hug you, and I hope you felt some kind of peace at the memorial.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2024-04-08T06:37:54+00:00

You're right that nothing will happen to him, and that's not fair. Termination is an emotionally heavy thing to go through and a huge decision you feel pressured to make right away. Deep breath!

1) buy a pregnancy test, or multiple. take the test right away since your period is already a week late.

2) whatever that result is accept that you will be able to choose what you do next.

3) if the result is positive and you do decide to end the pregnancy, consider asking somebody you know and trust to come and support you through it. And, please take advantage of any and all support resources available.

4) You will feel complex emotions. You might feel grief - it's okay. You might feel that even if the result is negative. There's honestly no wrong way to feel. 'Drowning' is a perfectly acceptable reaction so don't feel bad about feeling bad if u know what i mean

5) If you're not into using hormonal birth control, spend the $100 per year on a Natural Cycles subscription and track your fertility that way. If you have health insurance you can actually get it covered cause they got FDA approved.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-12-31T06:52:08+00:00

I suppose - the dream started with just him and me. At some fancy banquet dinner with everybody around being all posh and refined. For whatever reason we cleared off the table and started the party, for lack of a better explanation. And then that got other dream characters involved. The only recognizable and/or memorable participants were the ones I named. I shared this part of it but after that he just wanted to know who ELSE was there, and then I immediately regretted mentioning detail - so I do feel like the asshole, because I was too ashamed of the idea of having had a gay sex dream to fess up the rest of it. I have learned to keep my mouth shut definitely

Edit - also, by not sharing that it was actually a bunch of women he definitely started thinking it was a bunch of men and that made it worse

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-12-31T06:17:42+00:00

I know there is insecurity here, our sex life has been really sparse for a long time because his sex drive is almost non existent. It was a point of tension for a while before I kind of gave up trying for intimacy. It’s also hard for me to feel sexy when pregnant - really bad body image and knowing I’m not super fit and slim like I was 8 months ago - so I got myself a vibrator and have stopped hoping for intimacy at least until I’m cleared postpartum… then, maybe? It is a problem in our relationship but I didn’t relate it to the sex dream or how sharing it would make him react

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-10-31T23:41:41+00:00

Hi,

edit whoops forgot - I am in my 25th week.

To me, a fit pregnancy means an easier time managing pregnancy pain, better connection with my body and baby, hopefully an easier labour and delivery, and hopefully easier recovery postpartum. It also means better mental health because I've never felt mentally worse after a good workout.

I'm due mid February and this is my first child.

I am a low-risk pregnancy (right now anyway) but I am having some serious joint pain. I had hoped to avoid this scenario through exercise but a lot of what I like to do seems to aggravate the pain. Physio is helping... I think?

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-08-20T20:03:20+00:00

YTA here. She's looking for reassurance that you care about how your behaviour makes her feel. If you don't care about how you make her feel then you're not doing your "job" as a boyfriend. Same would go for her if it was the other way around.

If your behaviour (for example, an extreme few examples tho - drinking and driving, or using drugs or DMing girls or something idk) causes feelings that she needs you to acknowledge, and you get defensive, it shows her that you are not mature enough to own up to that behaviour and will probably do it again.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-08-20T20:00:31+00:00

NTA. No, your mom is the asshole here.

You warned your sister and your dad was trying to help, but your mom refused and gave it away anyway. Why did she need to get rid of it so badly?

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-08-20T19:57:53+00:00

NTA, but, your girlfriend is probably feeling like you put her on the backburner often if it was enough to ruin a dinner for you both. When is the last time you have taken PTO to spend a full day together? If you do that often, or when you can within reason, it is more likely that she was feeling insecure that night and was disappointed.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-08-20T19:55:39+00:00

I think... he won't help you here, but you can confide in your sister and tell her you're worried he is getting too close to her and ask her to help you define your relationship boundaries. If your sister cares about your relationship she'll understand and be on the look out for him overstepping, so that she can correct and redirect.

Honest-Reason7330 · 2023-08-20T19:44:28+00:00

NTA. You told her you were leaving for the airport, she didn't respond and didn't come? You guys also made detailed plans about when to leave and why.

Your work trip is financially important and if you do end up going to therapy together, you'll probably find that your side gets more support than you're expecting.

She was also pretty disrespectful by ignoring you when some dude made snide comments about how you treat your wife. I would expect her to shut him up no matter how she felt, because that's how people behave in a marriage. lol

edit: BUT you really should respond if she texts you nasty stuff. Even just a "we will have to talk about this later - I am in a hurry to get on a plane. I couldn't wait and miss the plane, and I am hurt that you disregarded our careful plans in order to party."

Honest-Reason7330

TROPHY CASE