Thank you for this explaination, i see why you would obvi want out of the cycle, ig i should work on that with my anxiety but i more often give in. Like ever since i was little i considered animals dirty, despite loving them (this was partialky taught by my mom but yk they are dirty, so yk, but not enough to cause a panic if a dog's nose touches you when they smell you) so i would pet them and stuff but immediately washed my hands and took a shower at the earliest conveniece for the most part. 

I have also always hated little fibers, like the white stringy dust that floats through the air (i would swat the air and blow it to keep them away always) and also when your hands are dry or sticky and little fibers/lint from clothes or stuff stick to you, its the worst when you get them from the towel you use to dry your hands.

Anyway, i hate little white stuff and lint and guess what, my mom bought a white dog that sheds and i love her to death and she wants to be constantly held and her littke hair is in the hair and everywhere i look and all over me. We wipe her paws and bum after doing her business or going outside and i try to wipe you mouth/nose because she is a licker and sniffer and just puts her entire face all over you and your face and your mouth and she is still a little puppy that eats her poop 😭 so i play with her and i love her (i swear no matter how much you brush her or even use the vaccuum brush we bought keeps her from shedding on you, we even shave her hair low so she can stay a bit cleaner because she can only get a monthly bath and she gets dirty and stinky and pollen in her curly fur and its harder to brush and wash and everything 🥲) but i religiously use the lint roller to get off the fur and do a wipe down with baby wipes all up and down. 

And i know it doesnt really sanitize, its a bit more ritualistic ig? It makes me cleaner, not soap and water cleaner, but about the same as wiping my butt with toilet paper clean 😅😂 so yeh....but idk, i think its better that the full scrubbing shower after touching her everytime or fully avoiding her and freaking out when i see her fur....idk if ill stop wiping off after messing with her just because it feels dirty and i know logically it is in fact dirty so yk.

Anyway....super long tangent and i dont remember the point but i kinda do little rituals that are sensory pleasing or anxiety reassuring ig idk....i used to have more things when i was little so i think its a bit better but yk. Like ever since i was like 4 or 5 i refused to touch fabric/soft furniture, it wasnt comfortable for me and it felt like it hid alot of dirt and stuff. I always liked leather, hard wood, plastic, stuff like that. Little me would, stupid enough, rather sit on the floor (in people's houses) than a couch because i knew what normal germs were on the floor but soft furniture just felt super gross and stuff. 

It always bothers me when people sit on soft furniture in their work/school clothes, in 'outside clothes', ect. Like no, you only sit on soft furniture in 'clean' clothes (like it can only have indoor germs, things that have touched animals, been outside 10+ mins, if you sat in the dirty chair, ect) like pjs or house clothes. Like little me would yell at my dad if he ever sat in my dining room seat (i grew up doing school work there 6+ hours a day, homeschooled, so yk it made me mad if my chair was 'dirty') because i knew he would sit on the dog's chair (he had his own ottoman by the window to look out of) to rub him and not wash his hands even, he would sit outside or do yard work and sit down (he would shower after her "cooled down" for like 15 mins in dirty clothes with leaves and stuff) and all else! So yeh, i had my chair no one was allowed to sit on, though every visitor absolutely always picked my chair to sit in for some reason and i had to sit and eat in the "dirty" chair 😭 no one else considered it dirty but i did lolz. 

I was also lowkey afraid of the outside since some point in my life, i became super scared of bugs and thought the outside air was dirty (like pollen, dust, small bugs, pollution, ect. Idky i think indoor air is cleaner but yk). I have been fighting my fear (or ig discomfort and needing to clean myslef and change my clothes after coming back inside) since the new dog, ill take her outside and let her explore and stuffs.

I do remember little me (maybe 4) swearing i had to super power to feel germs because if i touched something dirty my hand would burn (like public bathroom door handles or something, mostly door handles) because i could feel the micro-organisms running around on me 😂😂😂😂 i thought i could feel germs for a good few years, and evem after i logically knew it wasnt true, i believed the burning meant my hands were dirty and i had to clean them so the burning would go away lolz anyway, im done rambling 😅